I haven't really written on here for a long time, reasons unknown, but mostly because of fatigue I could say.
I suppose I can write about my strengthened interest in astral projection, physics, dimensions, the study of the universe, space travel and what not. I have been reading books on holograms and physics. I think the subject had a breakthrough on how I see myself and everything around me. Reading this stuff was mind shattering, because it is very hard to wrap your mind around these theories, some that propose that we are not living at free will, or that we might be the only intellectual species that exists in the universe... heavy stuff. Reading about these things has had a very big impact on me, and with that a new found, reshaped philosophy of life was born.
Quite shaken, but grateful, maybe shocked, yet calm, would be the state that I have been in for the past couple of months. I really should do something with my life; I mean based off of what I have been reading, researching, or even by looking around with basic knowledge; being alive and here on this planet is a very rare occurrence.
I have been having trouble with school. I don't know why I don't feel like studying, I just want to lay and do nothing. I have been so tired, I tried taking vitamins and drinking green juices but my fatigue yet remains the same. I have had to resort to energy drinks like monster, which only gives me like 3-4 hours of energy. Anyway, school has been really hard this semester, we are touching functions of mathematics in chemistry. I really don't know why I have been so tired and uninspired with school. I usually was really good with this type of stuff. School does get more difficult the more further you go in. Sometimes I think I don't belong in a STEM major but everything else seems boring to me. I tried sociology, psychology these subjects are okay. I like nursing its fun to help and meet people. Microbiology, my major is fascinating to me, I really like learning about microorganisms, how they get people sick and how the medications stop the microbe from continuing to replicate. It's awesome.
I once read a quote that said: Everything you are going through is preparing you for what you asked for. Yes I suppose that is true. My class so difficult I am forcing myself to do any work, this is the most challenging class I have ever had. I was thinking that maybe, also one of the reasons that I am so laid back is because I see life as something that I shouldn't waste feeling stressed, or in any pain. So I think that might be one of the causes of my lack of inspiration to do any work, which isn't good.
I just stayed up all night and watched a movie, did nothing of my responsibilities that were school related. But I did get this really good quote from the movie, it was pretty good.
Anyhow, life has been shit, as it always has been. For some reason I now frequently keep finding myself craving a bottle of scotch and a cigarette. I now see why a lot of people become smokers and/ or drinkers, or just basically addicted or have a craving towards something, that gives you a temporary state of euphoria. This is because life looks black and white, and people crave emotions, adrenaline, happiness. If we haven't been feeling, loved, happy or anything, is why people then find other ways of obtaining temporary states of emotions. Drugs and alcohol do make you feel something different.
I am scared because I feel like I am being sucked into the norm of living. I am doing ordinary things, these things are essential to life- that being work. Without work we wouldn't have a way of supporting ourselves.
It just as time goes by I know that there is no point to living. I really don't even feel like doing any travels, doing well in school, or doing anything at all. I find no joy or any emotions within me right now. I don't really know what to do about this.
I suppose I can write about my strengthened interest in astral projection, physics, dimensions, the study of the universe, space travel and what not. I have been reading books on holograms and physics. I think the subject had a breakthrough on how I see myself and everything around me. Reading this stuff was mind shattering, because it is very hard to wrap your mind around these theories, some that propose that we are not living at free will, or that we might be the only intellectual species that exists in the universe... heavy stuff. Reading about these things has had a very big impact on me, and with that a new found, reshaped philosophy of life was born.
Quite shaken, but grateful, maybe shocked, yet calm, would be the state that I have been in for the past couple of months. I really should do something with my life; I mean based off of what I have been reading, researching, or even by looking around with basic knowledge; being alive and here on this planet is a very rare occurrence.
I have been having trouble with school. I don't know why I don't feel like studying, I just want to lay and do nothing. I have been so tired, I tried taking vitamins and drinking green juices but my fatigue yet remains the same. I have had to resort to energy drinks like monster, which only gives me like 3-4 hours of energy. Anyway, school has been really hard this semester, we are touching functions of mathematics in chemistry. I really don't know why I have been so tired and uninspired with school. I usually was really good with this type of stuff. School does get more difficult the more further you go in. Sometimes I think I don't belong in a STEM major but everything else seems boring to me. I tried sociology, psychology these subjects are okay. I like nursing its fun to help and meet people. Microbiology, my major is fascinating to me, I really like learning about microorganisms, how they get people sick and how the medications stop the microbe from continuing to replicate. It's awesome.
I once read a quote that said: Everything you are going through is preparing you for what you asked for. Yes I suppose that is true. My class so difficult I am forcing myself to do any work, this is the most challenging class I have ever had. I was thinking that maybe, also one of the reasons that I am so laid back is because I see life as something that I shouldn't waste feeling stressed, or in any pain. So I think that might be one of the causes of my lack of inspiration to do any work, which isn't good.
I just stayed up all night and watched a movie, did nothing of my responsibilities that were school related. But I did get this really good quote from the movie, it was pretty good.
We're afraid that we will never escape our past; we are afraid of what the future will bring, we're afraid we won't be loved, we won't be liked, and that we won't succeed."
- Lady BirdEveryone can probably relate to this quote. I am afraid of my past, I am not a good person to say. The future scares me because I haven't been able to reach any of my dreams. I am still stuck in the same place that I have been for a long time. I have tried to move forward and out, and accomplish some of my dreams,but they never seem to happen. "We are afraid we won't be loved" this can be tied into that psychology thing, I think its Maslow's needs diagram, we need love, its one of the basic and fundamental things a human needs. We won't be liked, this can be tied into the work place or any new environment that we find ourselves in. "And that we won't succeed." This last part just ties the whole quote. It is terrifying to look back in your life and think wow I didn't do anything that I really wanted to do, I didn't go to school, or travel, whatever it is that you wanted to do in your life; that really scares me. I feel like I am becoming ordinary.
Anyhow, life has been shit, as it always has been. For some reason I now frequently keep finding myself craving a bottle of scotch and a cigarette. I now see why a lot of people become smokers and/ or drinkers, or just basically addicted or have a craving towards something, that gives you a temporary state of euphoria. This is because life looks black and white, and people crave emotions, adrenaline, happiness. If we haven't been feeling, loved, happy or anything, is why people then find other ways of obtaining temporary states of emotions. Drugs and alcohol do make you feel something different.
I am scared because I feel like I am being sucked into the norm of living. I am doing ordinary things, these things are essential to life- that being work. Without work we wouldn't have a way of supporting ourselves.
It just as time goes by I know that there is no point to living. I really don't even feel like doing any travels, doing well in school, or doing anything at all. I find no joy or any emotions within me right now. I don't really know what to do about this.
