Yin and Yang

I have been having a lot of trouble realizing and noting the good things that have been happening in my life. I think I have been numbed to the realization of the good around me. I had something happen to me that should have yielded a reaction, but instead I was unaware of what the gesture meant. I just carried on like nothing had happen. It's weird that the universe makes things happen when you least expect it or when you least want something to happen. With that I close the spring semester at school.

Lotus Eater: n. a member of a people represented by Homer as in a state of dreamy forgetfulness and idleness as a result of eating the fruit of the lotus plant.  

Who isn't a dreamer? We are all guilty of playing scenarios in our minds as an escape from the life that we live in. With imagination we gain a little bit of euphoria, but when you stop; open your eyes, get out of bed or go to work, you see that your dreams and your desires only exist in the neurons of your brain. Of course we then fall into sadness because when we compare our life verses the one in our head they don't match up.

It's summertime right now and I have some time to finally think, read and relax. I have been mostly stuck in my mind, replaying parts of my life, changing actions that I have taken and making up different outcomes for different actions taken. I suppose that is how I keep myself sane, also with movies I like movies about philosophy, life, and weird positions that a character is in that are not of norm.

Sometimes I feel like I am wasting my life. I don't really do much except go to work and school, both take up a lot of time and are vital. I am trying to find a balance to living life. At this point of my life the only thing that I should be doing is focusing on school and work. Those things are good but what about travel, adventure and entities that are yet to be discovered by oneself. That is the part I have been having trouble with, and I am sure most people have trouble growing too.

"You should do what you said you were going to do that one time before you got all tired and then got super busy and pretty much forgot... you really should." 

I ran into this quote. I had seen it before a couple of years ago; and it reminded me of how I wanted to study in Glasgow, Scotland. I thought of how badly I wanted to move out of California and into Europe. Moving away and being somewhere completely different was always something that I wanted to do. At present time I have lost the desire to move, in fact traveling to different places isn't something that I think about doing anymore. Everything feels bland to me. I have lost my dreams and desires; aren't these a couple of things that make us human?

What happens if you don't feel like doing the things you once wanted to do? It's like the dreams you've had died and the wanting to do all these things doesn't exist in me anymore. Should I try to do these things? Might that ignite a light of emotion within me, if I pursue my dead goals?

Good and bad things happen in life, it is noted that if these things happen it means you're alive. It's kinda hard to note the good things that are happening, but we can always go to the basics for that. Food, shelter, health, having a job and being able to go to school are a couple of things that I can count as blessings. The bad well I suppose I could change it, or at least I think I could.

I did something that I feel bad about and that is regarding some friends. It is definitely a long story and a story that I didn't know was happening that involved me. Things were said, words are translated differently, it happens, it is one of the oldest things that we know. I really till this day don't even know what exactly happened. But I do feel bad for casting out a friend. I just don't know why she didn't let me understand why or if the things said were true, although she did admit to some things. It leaves still many open questions that may never be answered. I like to think that I try to understand things and this is something that I've wanted to talk to these people about. I wanted to figure out what was happening and if the things I were told were true. Anyway the thing is that I have known these people for a long time so I was ready to forgive and forget as they say. People are not perfect so that is what I had in mind while hearing these things as well as a lot of rage, and man I haven't felt rage like that in ages.

I am an adult I thought, I am open minded and I do not make up my mind quickly without hearing details and trying to understand what had happened. Long story short, things were said about people and they were not good things. As always you can't believe everything you hear about people so I asked and some of the things said were confirmed and others weren't acknowledged or answered. Anyway I really wanted to clear things up, put a patch on it and move on as if nothing happened.

I was really mad, shocked, surprised and kinda sad because the things that were said were mostly about me and they weren't good. If the things said were valid, then I didn't know I was that much of bitch to be around with. It didn't matter to me if it was one or two or how every many were acknowledged as being said. I was mad because I have known these girls for the longest time and I wouldn't say things like that to other people about them. That's what disappointed me, is that I wouldn't do that to them, and yet it ended up happening to me. And they aren't perfect, no one is, so I could have said somethings about them as well.

I've know these people for a long time so a little thing like this shouldn't have blown up to what it did. So I tried to get us all together so we can talk, chill over some coffee and figure out what had happen. One of them didn't wanna show, at one point she said she could and then she said she wouldn't because of the other girl. Anyway it was so stupid. I was just completely over how childish the behaviors shown were. They had their own drama from parts of what I have heard. Two of us were cool with meeting and talking, we were both putting aside our egos and wanting to find peace, because, or at least on my behalf we know that stuff like this happens, no one is perfect and we have known each other long enough to let a little thing like this set us all apart, on my end at least.

There are infinite possibilities that could have caused this to happen. Yes, I have even considered the possibility of myself as being a spawn of evil and/or life ruiner among other things,that may have been why this happened. Or we can blame it on the fabric of the universe and say the universe had this planned all along, and that things happen for a reason. There are many ways or things we can say to try to justify what happened. Anyway, it happened, it might be able to change but that is if someone has guts to try to make us all try to unscramble the mess that happened.

Point in life as a growing adult; I have read so many things about, oh you'll regret this or that if you didn't have the courage to change or pursue it. There are a lot of quotes, books, knowledge and advice that people give on that sort of topic. As a person who has lived for a while and has had experiences, that I have wished I could have had the guts to pursue what I wanted or said something that I wanted to say; I am saying that life does move fast and it is really short. So it doesn't matter what it is that you want to do, you should do it, even if it doesn't go the way you wanted it to go, at least you won't have to spend your life wondering about the different outcomes of situations; the " what ifs..."

Yin and Yang, cannot exist without the other half, good and bad, negative and positive exist together. Positive and negative exists within us. I remember someone told me that that is why bad things happen, because the good cannot exist without the bad, and the bad cannot exist without good.

Alone in The Universe

I haven't really written on here for a long time, reasons unknown, but mostly because of fatigue I could say.

I suppose I can write about my strengthened interest in astral projection, physics, dimensions, the study of the universe, space travel and what not. I have been reading books on holograms and physics. I think the subject had a breakthrough on how I see myself and everything around me. Reading this stuff was mind shattering, because it is very hard to wrap your mind around these theories, some that propose that we are not living at free will, or that we might be the only intellectual species that exists in the universe... heavy stuff. Reading about these things has had a very big impact on me, and with that a new found, reshaped philosophy of life was born.

Quite shaken, but grateful, maybe shocked, yet calm, would be the state that I have been in for the past couple of months. I really should do something with my life; I mean based off of what I have been reading, researching, or even by looking around with basic knowledge; being alive and here on this planet is a very rare occurrence.

I have been having trouble with school. I don't know why I don't feel like studying, I just want to lay and do nothing. I have been so tired, I tried taking vitamins and drinking green juices but my fatigue yet remains the same. I have had to resort to energy drinks like monster, which only gives me like 3-4 hours of energy. Anyway, school has been really hard this semester, we are touching functions of mathematics in chemistry. I really don't know why I have been so tired and uninspired with school. I usually was really good with this type of stuff. School does get more difficult the more further you go in. Sometimes I think I don't belong in a STEM major but everything else seems boring to me. I tried sociology, psychology these subjects are okay. I like nursing its fun to help and meet people. Microbiology, my major is fascinating to me, I really like learning about microorganisms, how they get people sick and how the medications stop the microbe from continuing to replicate. It's awesome.

I once read a quote that said: Everything you are going through is preparing you for what you asked for. Yes I suppose that is true. My class so difficult I am forcing myself to do any work, this is the most challenging class I have ever had. I was thinking that maybe, also one of the reasons that I am so laid back is because I see life as something that I shouldn't waste feeling stressed, or in any pain. So I think that might be one of the causes of my lack of inspiration to do any work, which isn't good.

I just stayed up all night and watched a movie, did nothing of my responsibilities that were school related. But I did get this really good quote from the movie, it was pretty good.

We're afraid that we will never escape our past; we are afraid of what the future will bring, we're afraid we won't be loved, we won't be liked, and that we won't succeed."

- Lady Bird 

Everyone can probably relate to this quote. I am afraid of my past, I am not a good person to say. The future scares me because I haven't been able to reach any of my dreams. I am still stuck in the same place that I have been for a long time. I have tried to move forward and out, and accomplish some of my dreams,but they never seem to happen. "We are afraid we won't be loved" this can be tied into that psychology thing, I think its Maslow's needs diagram, we need love, its one of the basic and fundamental things a human needs. We won't be liked, this can be tied into the work place or any new environment that we find ourselves in. "And that we won't succeed." This last part just ties the whole quote. It is terrifying to look back in your life and think wow I didn't do anything that I really wanted to do, I didn't go to school, or travel, whatever it is that you wanted to do in your life; that really scares me. I feel like I am becoming ordinary.

Anyhow, life has been shit, as it always has been. For some reason I now frequently keep finding myself craving a bottle of scotch and a cigarette. I now see why a lot of people become smokers and/ or drinkers, or just basically addicted or have a craving towards something, that gives you a temporary state of euphoria. This is because life looks black and white, and people crave emotions, adrenaline, happiness. If we haven't been feeling, loved, happy or anything, is why people then find other ways of obtaining temporary states of emotions. Drugs and alcohol do make you feel something different.

I am scared because I feel like I am being sucked into the norm of living. I am doing ordinary things, these things are essential to life- that being work. Without work we wouldn't have a way of supporting ourselves.

It just as time goes by I know that there is no point to living. I really don't even feel like doing any travels, doing well in school, or doing anything at all. I find no joy or any emotions within me right now. I don't really know what to do about this.