It's been hard trying to keep myself alive lately. I feel the older I get the more my soul dies; what once were my dreams and desires have lost their ability to ignite any emotion within me. I am beginning to feel as though there is nothing in the world to live for. It has been hard to deal with these negative feelings, so I try to keep myself distracted with an overload of work, and school hours. These things wear me out sometimes, but once I settle myself, and grow used to the amount of work given, and I start thinking once again about life and its purpose.
I felt really hollow today, as though someone had ripped my heart out. That feeling of emptiness and pain drove me to want to die. I prepared myself though, got dressed and went to work. I keep trying to give my life a purpose, I want to feel love and happiness, I want to feel like I am living. Therefore I am going to try to set up a plan to try to bring life within me.
I started school about three weeks ago, I am still trying to get used to everything since I haven't been in actual college for a while. I think I gave up on school when I applied to the University of Glasgow, I got accepted there and was going to go, but there were some financial and school problems that happened. It really messed me up that I wasn't able to attend school in another country. It messed me up so badly that, I actually forgot that I could continue my education here. I guess I saw Scotland as a dream, a place where I could be happy, and explore in.
So I finally decided on my major- Microbiology. I really like Science although it is very stressful and hard to understand, it is the only subject that doesn't put me to sleep, that is except for when I have to study or do homework for it, I get really exhausted because it is a lot of work, the subject is really interesting though. I don't really know why I get so anxious and overwhelmed when I do heavy school work or try to move forward with my life. Is it because I am afraid of the unknown? Well I suppose so I do tend to overthink things.
I haven't been feeling well lately. I haven't been attending class, I missed a whole week of math to find out that we had an exam that same week, so I know I failed it because I didn't study. I tried to study but I was just so exhausted to the point where my brain didn't function. I had three quizzes, the math exam and 150 chemistry problems that were all within that week. I know I did fail the exam but there isn't anything I could do about it now except to redeem myself for the next three.
I recently joined this STEM program at Cypress College, it's a really great program that keeps you informed about different information meetings, research and internship opportunities at four year Universities. We just had one today for CSULB which by the sounds of it, has gotten even more harder to be admitted into over the years. Well I was told that we should apply to any internship and research opportunity that is in our scope of major. So I suppose I will apply to the one we were introduced to today at Long Beach State, which by the way only admits like 10-15% students from colleges, you need two letters of recommendation, and you need to write a personal statement for consideration. Well I will try and I will apply because if I do get accepted the program is beyond perfection for science majors.
I am really happy about joining the STEM program, I have learned a lot and I have been in the program for about a month now. They are having more meetings and mandatory workshops that you need to attend, but its worth it.
Since I know I haven't been doing well in school I know I need to really buckle down and study. I used to be really good at school but I think its because I haven't attended for like a year is why I forgot how painful and how much work it actually is to get good grades. Its not possible to work full time and go to school full time so part time will have to do. Some student from CSULB said that the school actually makes you sign a form saying that you are not supposed to work while in school. Yes, that's how hard it is to be a STEM major. He also said that you might be a starving student, lets hope not but we will see.
So I have been having like second thoughts about my major, ranging from quitting school to changing my major completely. I thought about doing Neuroscience over Microbiology so there is that. I am not really sure what to do, but I need to figure this out right away.
I have been having trouble finding any motivation to do anything. I know education leads to having a better job, which leads to having a steady flow of income to not be stressed about bills and so on. I am really trying to be motivated to study and be a good person. As always life is full of transitions and I just underwent a couple of major ones over the past couple of months, schooling being one of them, and just life stuff that gets harder everyday. One of my friends has been telling me that she is loosing interest in stuff which is a sign of depression. I hope she doesn't have to undergo that hell, so I am trying to help her get rid of it. I am also feeling another type of depression as well, one that I think is because of these weird transitions that I am going through. I feel really different, I am in pain and I feel like my depresonalization and derealization are sky rocketing. When I sleep and I wake up I have no sensation of the things around me, its gotten worse because now I can barely feel peoples energy. I am really scared that this might get worse. I don't know what to do to cure myself from it. I don't feel like I am alive, I can barely feel sensations on my skin and of course visual sensations feel like a dream; I feel like I am watching TV.
I don't really feel like continuing with my life. Based off how I am doing now with my derealization I know that external stimulus might be completely gone the older I get. I don't know why this is happening to me. I have been trying to tell myself that I am in a rough patch and that on the other side I will find peace and happiness but this is just getting to be too much. I keep trying to think of my dreams and hopes for the future, but as a realist I know most of them won't happen.
What do I want from life? I just want to live. I want to immerse myself in greatness, adventure, happiness, emotion and just things that make people feel alive. I hope I feel better. I am scared that my soul is dying. I keep trying to find things that light a fire within me, things that once made me feel happy still have some effect on me but they aren't as potent as they were before.
My birthday is coming up, I feel quite odd about it. I hope it turns out to be an okay day. I have some plans, although I work on that day and go to school I will be celebrating my birthday on the following day- Friday. I kind of want to go to the beach and get drunk but I know I want to watch the Van Gogh movie called Loving Vincent, I want to go out and have dinner and then have a cup of coffee or something. Anyhow I hope I gain some positive energies by being around my friends.
I am afraid of the future. I am afraid because I cannot control what it will be like. I just really want to be happy. I don't want to get old and know that I didn't live the life I wanted, that I never experienced heart stopping memories. Memories are what you hold on to and its important to make the very best of them. So forth I will try to make my life a story worth telling. And god help me because I am not feeling so well. I feel like a hole is being burnt into me. Anyways I hope to have a good birthday.
I started school about three weeks ago, I am still trying to get used to everything since I haven't been in actual college for a while. I think I gave up on school when I applied to the University of Glasgow, I got accepted there and was going to go, but there were some financial and school problems that happened. It really messed me up that I wasn't able to attend school in another country. It messed me up so badly that, I actually forgot that I could continue my education here. I guess I saw Scotland as a dream, a place where I could be happy, and explore in.
So I finally decided on my major- Microbiology. I really like Science although it is very stressful and hard to understand, it is the only subject that doesn't put me to sleep, that is except for when I have to study or do homework for it, I get really exhausted because it is a lot of work, the subject is really interesting though. I don't really know why I get so anxious and overwhelmed when I do heavy school work or try to move forward with my life. Is it because I am afraid of the unknown? Well I suppose so I do tend to overthink things.
I haven't been feeling well lately. I haven't been attending class, I missed a whole week of math to find out that we had an exam that same week, so I know I failed it because I didn't study. I tried to study but I was just so exhausted to the point where my brain didn't function. I had three quizzes, the math exam and 150 chemistry problems that were all within that week. I know I did fail the exam but there isn't anything I could do about it now except to redeem myself for the next three.
I recently joined this STEM program at Cypress College, it's a really great program that keeps you informed about different information meetings, research and internship opportunities at four year Universities. We just had one today for CSULB which by the sounds of it, has gotten even more harder to be admitted into over the years. Well I was told that we should apply to any internship and research opportunity that is in our scope of major. So I suppose I will apply to the one we were introduced to today at Long Beach State, which by the way only admits like 10-15% students from colleges, you need two letters of recommendation, and you need to write a personal statement for consideration. Well I will try and I will apply because if I do get accepted the program is beyond perfection for science majors.
I am really happy about joining the STEM program, I have learned a lot and I have been in the program for about a month now. They are having more meetings and mandatory workshops that you need to attend, but its worth it.
Since I know I haven't been doing well in school I know I need to really buckle down and study. I used to be really good at school but I think its because I haven't attended for like a year is why I forgot how painful and how much work it actually is to get good grades. Its not possible to work full time and go to school full time so part time will have to do. Some student from CSULB said that the school actually makes you sign a form saying that you are not supposed to work while in school. Yes, that's how hard it is to be a STEM major. He also said that you might be a starving student, lets hope not but we will see.
So I have been having like second thoughts about my major, ranging from quitting school to changing my major completely. I thought about doing Neuroscience over Microbiology so there is that. I am not really sure what to do, but I need to figure this out right away.
I have been having trouble finding any motivation to do anything. I know education leads to having a better job, which leads to having a steady flow of income to not be stressed about bills and so on. I am really trying to be motivated to study and be a good person. As always life is full of transitions and I just underwent a couple of major ones over the past couple of months, schooling being one of them, and just life stuff that gets harder everyday. One of my friends has been telling me that she is loosing interest in stuff which is a sign of depression. I hope she doesn't have to undergo that hell, so I am trying to help her get rid of it. I am also feeling another type of depression as well, one that I think is because of these weird transitions that I am going through. I feel really different, I am in pain and I feel like my depresonalization and derealization are sky rocketing. When I sleep and I wake up I have no sensation of the things around me, its gotten worse because now I can barely feel peoples energy. I am really scared that this might get worse. I don't know what to do to cure myself from it. I don't feel like I am alive, I can barely feel sensations on my skin and of course visual sensations feel like a dream; I feel like I am watching TV.
I don't really feel like continuing with my life. Based off how I am doing now with my derealization I know that external stimulus might be completely gone the older I get. I don't know why this is happening to me. I have been trying to tell myself that I am in a rough patch and that on the other side I will find peace and happiness but this is just getting to be too much. I keep trying to think of my dreams and hopes for the future, but as a realist I know most of them won't happen.
What do I want from life? I just want to live. I want to immerse myself in greatness, adventure, happiness, emotion and just things that make people feel alive. I hope I feel better. I am scared that my soul is dying. I keep trying to find things that light a fire within me, things that once made me feel happy still have some effect on me but they aren't as potent as they were before.
My birthday is coming up, I feel quite odd about it. I hope it turns out to be an okay day. I have some plans, although I work on that day and go to school I will be celebrating my birthday on the following day- Friday. I kind of want to go to the beach and get drunk but I know I want to watch the Van Gogh movie called Loving Vincent, I want to go out and have dinner and then have a cup of coffee or something. Anyhow I hope I gain some positive energies by being around my friends.
I am afraid of the future. I am afraid because I cannot control what it will be like. I just really want to be happy. I don't want to get old and know that I didn't live the life I wanted, that I never experienced heart stopping memories. Memories are what you hold on to and its important to make the very best of them. So forth I will try to make my life a story worth telling. And god help me because I am not feeling so well. I feel like a hole is being burnt into me. Anyways I hope to have a good birthday.
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