A Valid Point

I am going through a new transition, one that was bestowed upon me unexpectedly and very vigorously. I won't really complain about it for it was about 75% good and 25% bad. So I have a new job now because of something stupid that happened in the workplace at my other job. I am not really sadden about it because I felt like that place was sucking the life out of me and probably about 90% of the people there were shit so I am feeling okay by not working there anymore. This new job is alright I am working graveyards and the people here are mostly friendly. The other half of this transition is that I am studying to become a Medical Assistant. I swear I didn't know that I would pursue this vocation until the last second, something pushed me to the study. I know that I want to do something involving science and medicine so I think this will give me an intro to those studies. I have also changed my major back to Biochemistry, I felt like I was forcing myself to study to become a Nutritionist. Biochemistry is a really hard major, I hope I can do well in it, I do enjoy learning the heavy sciences.

I have been feeling a little off lately, I feel very depersonalized as always and I have been starting to get anxiety and depression spells. The feelings usually happen because I feel like I am missing something in my life. I try not to think about anything that might trigger the bad emotions but it catches me when I am asleep and sometimes I wake up with shortness of breath and the bad emotions within. I had one yesterday, I was awaken and I thought and felt that I will always feel like I do now; alone, without a feeling of being alive, without a feeling of happiness and without a feeling of hope. I thought about people and their ability to make you feel something, right now I have no one, I have no friends or anything, I feel calm but something happened at school that triggered the thoughts of loneliness. There was this man, this guy well he was cute and you know, well I couldn't look at him in the face even though he kept looking at mine. I felt like he wanted something, but what?  So I didn't look at him. About 3 weeks later I saw him again but he didn't notice me because he was on his phone and then a couple of hours later I see him again and I suppose he didn't recognize me because of what I was wearing, I think people look kinda different in scrubs. Well that happened and I began to have those thoughts about people, about how people can make you feel things, about how a friend can make you feel warm and not alone, about how a boyfriend can make you feel loved and can boost your self esteem. I then realized that I was kind of alone, with the opposition of my family. I had never had a boyfriend and I have never really had a friend, I guess those were kind of chances that I could have taken. People are risks and I suppressed them so I wouldn't get hurt. At times I wish that I could go back in time and accept people, but I feel like I didn't know how to communicate with them especially with those who were a love interest. I do regret it and I have learned but I haven't acted upon what I have learned, I am still tentative on people. If I continue like this it might kill me.

My search for happiness still continues, I think becoming an MA will help my self-esteem and might help me look at things differently. I still do plan on attending the University of Glasgow even if for the summer term. I need a breath of fresh air, a new canvas but I feel like I have nothing new to paint with, all the previous things are still with me, what I feel is that I need a new person. This is where validation comes in, the boyfriend or friend validates the other person they give them this sense of purpose and they validate them as a human. I do not have at this time, I do hope I become validated soon. The thing with a love interest though is that I am so fucking depersonalized that I can barley feel reality, this is really killing me. I don't  know if I might end up like Van Gogh, one of the loneliest people, he was really depressed and tried to look for a people or at least a person to pour out his ideas and thoughts to. I don't know if the guy was depersonalized or not maybe his drinking problem made him feel depersonalized to numb some of the pain from his depression. The guy spent a lot of his life trying to be loved and to give something back to the world as to leave a positive dent in his time frame that with hopes might ignite something of love and tenderness to the future generations. It pains me to hear about his life like that, I hope that he found some relief to his pains well I suppose his art helped. Maybe I am actually the opposite of Van Gogh, he tried to find people who were like minded and I kinda close myself off to people. He gave so much of his belongings to people who were even less unfortunate than he was, and I? I don't know.