The Secluded Blogger

It's been hard trying to keep myself alive lately. I feel the older I get the more my soul dies; what once were my dreams and desires have lost their ability to ignite any emotion within me. I am beginning to feel as though there is nothing in the world to live for. It has been hard to deal with these negative feelings, so I try to keep myself distracted with an overload of work, and school hours. These things wear me out sometimes, but once I settle myself, and grow used to the amount of work given, and I start thinking once again about life and its purpose.

I felt really hollow today, as though someone had ripped my heart out. That feeling of emptiness and pain drove me to want to die. I prepared myself though, got dressed and went to work. I keep trying to give my life a purpose, I want to feel love and happiness, I want to feel like I am living. Therefore I am going to try to set up a plan to try to bring life within me.

I started school about three weeks ago, I am still trying to get used to everything since I haven't been in actual college for a while. I think I gave up on school when I applied to the University of Glasgow, I got accepted there and was going to go, but there were some financial and school problems that happened. It really messed me up that I wasn't able to attend school in another country. It messed me up so badly that, I actually forgot that I could continue my education here. I guess I saw Scotland as a dream, a place where I could be happy, and explore in.

So I finally decided on my major- Microbiology. I really like Science although it is very stressful and hard to understand, it is the only subject that doesn't put me to sleep, that is except for when I have to study or do homework for it, I get really exhausted because it is a lot of work, the subject is really interesting though. I don't really know why I get so anxious and overwhelmed when I do heavy school work or try to move forward with my life. Is it because I am afraid of the unknown? Well I suppose so I do tend to overthink things.

I haven't been feeling well lately. I haven't been attending class, I missed a whole week of math to find out that we had an exam that same week, so I know I failed it because I didn't study. I tried to study but I was just so exhausted to the point where my brain didn't function. I had three quizzes, the math exam and 150 chemistry problems that were all within that week. I know I did fail the exam but there isn't anything I could do about it now except to redeem myself for the next three.

I recently joined this STEM program at Cypress College, it's a really great program that keeps you informed about different information meetings, research and internship opportunities at four year Universities. We just had one today for CSULB which by the sounds of it, has gotten even more harder to be admitted into over the years. Well I was told that we should apply to any internship and research opportunity that is in our scope of major. So I suppose I will apply to the one we were introduced to today at Long Beach State, which by the way only admits like 10-15% students from colleges, you need two letters of recommendation, and you need to write a personal statement for consideration. Well I will try and I will apply because if I do get accepted the program is beyond perfection for science majors.

I am really happy about joining the STEM program, I have learned a lot and I have been in the program for about a month now. They are having more meetings and mandatory workshops that you need to attend, but its worth it.

Since I know I haven't been doing well in school I know I need to really buckle down and study. I used to be really good at school but I think its because I haven't attended for like a year is why I forgot how painful and how much work it actually is to get good grades. Its not possible to work full time and go to school full time so part time will have to do. Some student from CSULB said that the school actually makes you sign a form saying that you are not supposed to work while in school. Yes, that's how hard it is to be a STEM major. He also said that you might be a starving student, lets hope not but we will see.

So I have been having like second thoughts about my major, ranging from quitting school to changing my major completely. I thought about doing Neuroscience over Microbiology so there is that. I am not really sure what to do, but I need to figure this out right away.

I have been having trouble finding any motivation to do anything. I know education leads to having a better job, which leads to having a steady flow of income to not be stressed about bills and so on. I am really trying to be motivated to study and be a good person. As always life is full of transitions and I just underwent a couple of major ones over the past couple of months, schooling being one of them, and just life stuff that gets harder everyday. One of my friends has been telling me that she is loosing interest in stuff which is a sign of depression. I hope she doesn't have to undergo that hell, so I am trying to help her get rid of it. I am also feeling another type of depression as well, one that I think is because of these weird transitions that I am going through. I feel really different,  I am in pain and I feel like my depresonalization and derealization are sky rocketing. When I sleep and I wake up I have no sensation of the things around me, its gotten worse because now I can barely feel peoples energy. I am really scared that this might get worse. I don't know what to do to cure myself from it. I don't feel like I am alive, I can barely feel sensations on my skin and of course visual sensations feel like a dream; I feel like I am watching TV.

I don't really feel like continuing with my life. Based off how I am doing now with my derealization I know that external stimulus might be completely gone the older I get. I don't know why this is happening to me. I have been trying to tell myself that I am in a rough patch and that on the other side I will find peace and happiness but this is just getting to be too much. I keep trying to think of my dreams and hopes for the future, but as a realist I know most of them won't happen.

What do I want from life? I just want to live. I want to immerse myself in greatness, adventure, happiness, emotion and just things that make people feel alive. I hope I feel better. I am scared that my soul is dying. I keep trying to find things that light a fire within me, things that once made me feel happy still have some effect on me but they aren't as potent as they were before.

My birthday is coming up, I feel quite odd about it. I hope it turns out to be an okay day. I have some plans, although I work on that day and go to school I will be celebrating my birthday on the following day- Friday. I kind of want to go to the beach and get drunk but I know I want to watch the Van Gogh movie called Loving Vincent, I want to go out and have dinner and then have a cup of coffee or something. Anyhow I hope I gain some positive energies by being around my friends.

I am afraid of the future. I am afraid because I cannot control what it will be like. I just really want to be happy. I don't want to get old and know that I didn't live the life I wanted, that I never experienced heart stopping memories. Memories are what you hold on to and its important to make the very best of them. So forth I will try to make my life a story worth telling. And god help me because I am not feeling so well. I feel like a hole is being burnt into me. Anyways I hope to have a good birthday.

Erased

I once read that in order to live life to the fullest it is essential to immerse yourself in as many things as possible. I now see where the person got their philosophy, I used to think that it was to make yourself a better person, I still think that. I now I have time to do things, but I also sometimes find myself in a bore. I am trying to move forward with my life as everyone else is, but I seem to lack the fundamental fuel for perseverance. Why am I studying this? Why am I doing this? A couple of questions that have been on my mind for a while. As always in order to achieve something one must set out a plan. I think that by the Fall I should be done with the Medical Assistant program that I just started about 3 months ago. The reason I am attending is because I want a better job, I want to know more about the medical field and I want to move up in the workforce.

I am starting to see a little more complexity in life. When I was younger I was really disciplined and rooted, I only thought about school and moving up that ladder. Now I am not really rooted into this study program, but I am thinking about life in a more calming way, which is that; it's good to go to school and get a good job but to take it easy, travel, rest and to take care of yourself. Back then I would only do school work, thinking that I would receive some type of reward for my panic attacks and hard work, of course I got good grades, but my social and love life were non existent. In fact I had refused to have a social or a love life thinking that it would get in the way of my focus of my studies. Now I see that chances sometimes happen once in your life and that I should take advantage of such things.

My depersonalization has been weird lately it has bitten into the emotion section. I can't really sense other emotion other than a constant blur of unidentified pains. It is getting really bad, I think about things that I wanted to do with my life and they don't hold meaning or value to them anymore. I have been having a lot of headaches lately, I need to see my doctor and get a blood test. I sleep and I wake up just as tired as I was before, maybe it is my anemia? I haven't been taking my iron pills but last time my levels were okay. What freaks me out is the worst thing that it can possibly be is a brain tumor. I spend too much time looking at my phone or at the computer and that can give you eye or brain cancer. Well I am going to see my doc I will schedule an appointment and see if a head scan is essential.

I have been thinking a lot of this transition that has happen to me recently. One of the people that works where I used to work just told me recently that people are questioning her about what happened to me. A very extreme thing happened, one that I never thought would happen, but people at the other job that I had, told the managers that I had been making them do tasks that weren't in my spectrum of power. Well that's what they told me, they said that I had been making people do my job, and that I have been telling the employees to do work that they weren't supposed to be doing. I couldn't even understand who would say that about me, they said that I have been doing it for years, if that is true why would they just tell me now? I think someone just had something against me, but whatever, I needed to get out of there, but I didn't think that I would walk out like that. What pisses me off more is that they are bothering people trying to get information out of them about me. These people are 45 years old and up, they need to grow up. If I were in their position I wouldn't be bothering people or talking about what happened even months after the occurrence. That's how most people are though, and it is one of the many reasons why I don't really like to associate with anyone. I can't trust anyone because I know that there are many points to a person and that's why I never fully trust anyone, even if I have known them for over a decade.

I was looking at how my life is now, I am actually grateful for not working where I used to work anymore. I was stuck in a labyrinth, I couldn't move forward, the vibes and people around me were sickening, with their hypocritical smiles and selfish gazes. I can compare it to walking into a pit of snakes, with their slithering movements and evil auras. I had to leave, I had to go, the whole place was killing my soul. I couldn't take it anymore, every time that I'd have to go to work I would have to kill myself, you can feel the negativity in their being, they know nothing about peace and harmony, their only desire is to make others feel as tormented and fucked up as they are. I write as they are spawns of demonic beings, because I have been told they still try to keep my demise from the labyrinth alive, with constant murmurings of my odd departure.

I am in a stage of repairment, one that is only categorized by the unknown, struggles, and new environments. I keep telling myself that I feel better for not being around such people but I still feel their serpent venom in the air even though I am away from them. I hope to God that he repairs me, I do feel a little better for not being constantly stung by the demons. I am in recovery, soon this will pass, I shall rise to my optimum, and leave all the shreds of pain and suffering behind me. People have done me so much wrong I don't even know why I still talk with them, probably because I know that not everyone is the same, the human is very complex and extremely unstable, which is kind of the opposite of me. I pray that I forget about those people and I pray for the strength to leave when people don't want me to, I pray for the courage to move on when I know I am being taken advantage of, and I pray to never walk down the same path again.

There are so many complexities that I am being faced with right now. I have good and bad, good being I am out of that job and into a new one, I am studying to be a Medical Assistant and might be done with it by this Fall; bad things are that am still rough on what just happened to me, it is still lingering within but it shall be gone. I don't really know what to do for this thing is still stuck to me. Everyone as a past, present, and a future, they say to leave whats in the past in the past so I'll do that.

There are many things that I wish that I could have done differently in my life. I have this bad tendency to put everyone else's needs above mine. I have had many opportunities to have shaped my life differently than how it is now. I've had chances that I deemed unsettling to those around me, and so I choose the other path instead of the risk. I know that I shouldn't dwell in these "what ifs" but sometimes I just slip into the world of: what if I took the risk?  How would have my life be now? What would I be doing now if I had gone down the other path? Many details run through my head, about the life of the courageous me.

I often think of him, a person who would have been a very big change in my life. He seemed like a nice guy when he acknowledged me and made a remark about my shoes. I saw him and I saw what he wanted, no guy comments on a girls shoes without wanting to start a conversation that might lead to something of a love pool. I didn't know what to say, and when I was about to say something my voice didn't expel my reply to his comment. So I smiled and left. My god, what did I do? I think about it all the time, what he must have thought about me, what thoughts could have gone through his head? I have tried many times to put myself in his place and see what thoughts I would have received. Maybe he thought I was kinda rude for not replying to him which saddens me, but isn't surprising because what other thought would have gone through your head? I often think of what would have happened if we would have had a conversation. What if he was an amazing guy? What if we ended up together? Well that is the past now and I can only learn from it. I quite feel like Jim Carreys character in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind when he says " Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?" Quite a good movie about love complexities.

I have had a recent twist in my life that is of most positivity. I have reached out to some people and they have accepted my upfront invitation for a hang out. It is quite amazing what could happen when you are just plain real and positive. I feel way better, I suppose these people have cleared my aura that was beaten by previous negative vibrations. I have been reading more and looking at more information about world and natural phenomenon. I have been feeling a lot better and I hope that I continue my escalation towards becoming a person filled with lots of knowledge, love for life, love for justice and equality, and just basically a person with lots of positivity. I am very happy that I am going to hang out with these friends, lots of who I haven't seen in years.

I am tired from work and school work, perhaps when I sleep in an hour I will wake up well rested. I don't know what is going to happen in the future, what is there in the future for me? I know we have some power over what will happen, I am wondering on the social aspect of it because I had a fallout with the only two people that I used to talk to. One was due to not being on the same thought passage on an occurrence. The other was because after I stopped working at the place before, we just didn't talk anymore and I didn't really take notice of it, since I work overnight and am asleep during the day, but then it caught up to me, and I really didn't know how to spark a conversation with her after it being a long time with no word. Just today one of them said that they missed me and then of course if they will be so blunt with their emotions I too cannot be cold, so I told her that we should meet and talk. I don't know what will happen or if we would ever meet.

I am in a state of wondering how much information I don't know about the world. I have run across many articles about history, and of course the conspiracy theories that are out there. I am just realizing that there are so many things that I haven't read about or looked into.

I suppose what is left for me to say is to take risks and to see the value of the moment you are in. There are many things that go unseen or unnoticed and when the time is gone you might wish for it back.  

A Valid Point

I am going through a new transition, one that was bestowed upon me unexpectedly and very vigorously. I won't really complain about it for it was about 75% good and 25% bad. So I have a new job now because of something stupid that happened in the workplace at my other job. I am not really sadden about it because I felt like that place was sucking the life out of me and probably about 90% of the people there were shit so I am feeling okay by not working there anymore. This new job is alright I am working graveyards and the people here are mostly friendly. The other half of this transition is that I am studying to become a Medical Assistant. I swear I didn't know that I would pursue this vocation until the last second, something pushed me to the study. I know that I want to do something involving science and medicine so I think this will give me an intro to those studies. I have also changed my major back to Biochemistry, I felt like I was forcing myself to study to become a Nutritionist. Biochemistry is a really hard major, I hope I can do well in it, I do enjoy learning the heavy sciences.

I have been feeling a little off lately, I feel very depersonalized as always and I have been starting to get anxiety and depression spells. The feelings usually happen because I feel like I am missing something in my life. I try not to think about anything that might trigger the bad emotions but it catches me when I am asleep and sometimes I wake up with shortness of breath and the bad emotions within. I had one yesterday, I was awaken and I thought and felt that I will always feel like I do now; alone, without a feeling of being alive, without a feeling of happiness and without a feeling of hope. I thought about people and their ability to make you feel something, right now I have no one, I have no friends or anything, I feel calm but something happened at school that triggered the thoughts of loneliness. There was this man, this guy well he was cute and you know, well I couldn't look at him in the face even though he kept looking at mine. I felt like he wanted something, but what?  So I didn't look at him. About 3 weeks later I saw him again but he didn't notice me because he was on his phone and then a couple of hours later I see him again and I suppose he didn't recognize me because of what I was wearing, I think people look kinda different in scrubs. Well that happened and I began to have those thoughts about people, about how people can make you feel things, about how a friend can make you feel warm and not alone, about how a boyfriend can make you feel loved and can boost your self esteem. I then realized that I was kind of alone, with the opposition of my family. I had never had a boyfriend and I have never really had a friend, I guess those were kind of chances that I could have taken. People are risks and I suppressed them so I wouldn't get hurt. At times I wish that I could go back in time and accept people, but I feel like I didn't know how to communicate with them especially with those who were a love interest. I do regret it and I have learned but I haven't acted upon what I have learned, I am still tentative on people. If I continue like this it might kill me.

My search for happiness still continues, I think becoming an MA will help my self-esteem and might help me look at things differently. I still do plan on attending the University of Glasgow even if for the summer term. I need a breath of fresh air, a new canvas but I feel like I have nothing new to paint with, all the previous things are still with me, what I feel is that I need a new person. This is where validation comes in, the boyfriend or friend validates the other person they give them this sense of purpose and they validate them as a human. I do not have at this time, I do hope I become validated soon. The thing with a love interest though is that I am so fucking depersonalized that I can barley feel reality, this is really killing me. I don't  know if I might end up like Van Gogh, one of the loneliest people, he was really depressed and tried to look for a people or at least a person to pour out his ideas and thoughts to. I don't know if the guy was depersonalized or not maybe his drinking problem made him feel depersonalized to numb some of the pain from his depression. The guy spent a lot of his life trying to be loved and to give something back to the world as to leave a positive dent in his time frame that with hopes might ignite something of love and tenderness to the future generations. It pains me to hear about his life like that, I hope that he found some relief to his pains well I suppose his art helped. Maybe I am actually the opposite of Van Gogh, he tried to find people who were like minded and I kinda close myself off to people. He gave so much of his belongings to people who were even less unfortunate than he was, and I? I don't know.