The will to live has walked out of my life again. The arts,
travel, adventure, love, hope and passion have left me. I am in battle again, I
have lost the stimuli to search out why I should continue to live. In fact I am
exhausted; tired of living. There was a point in my life when I decided to die,
but I held myself back due to curiosity, I wanted to know what would have
happened to me in the future. So I continued to live and found out a few good
things. But it’s back. I reached out to pursue my dreams of travel and
immersion of arts and culture. I got so close to moving out of this country,
and into Europe, I was happy, excited and in quite disbelief that I was
actually going back to the continent known for it’s history, arts and most
beautiful architecture. I thought, finally I have been a good person, I am a
good student, I have made my parents proud, finally I get to do something that
I really want to do… travel.
It was due to some system error from the university that I
had to delay my departure to Europe. I delayed my entry once, and now a second
time. The delaying caused me much pain, and now it seems I might not even
attend university in Europe. The deferment of adventure killed me, I have been
waiting my entire life to do something that I actually liked. I’ve suppressed
many emotions, and I have suppressed my passions because they were frowned
upon. Well here I am, I am trying hard to bring myself to life again.
We are entering the end of another year and all I have to
say, is that all I have done is nothing but work and some schooling. This is
what I was afraid of becoming - barren, with little sign of life within and
with little desire to have an adventure. I am actually planning on going to
Scotland by myself for about a month or two. I casually ran this through my mom
and she said jokingly to take her in one of my suitcases, so that is my plan. I
have some research to do because I want to see the northern lights and there
are a lot of places that are amazing in Scotland. I don't think I would need a
visa to stay for a month in Scotland but I will have to double check on that. I
also wanted to go to Amsterdam, they have a Van Gogh museum there that looks
amazing. I don't know if I'd be heading down to the Netherlands though because
of expenses and time. I think this trip might be reserved for Scotland and
maybe Ireland or England. I am somewhat excited to take this trip I think it
might do me well.
Meanwhile I am stuck in California which isn't bad it's just
that I haven't taken a trip or gone to the beach in a long time. So my sister
and I are currently planning a vacation to Las Vegas and Area 51 or Big Bear.
So we will see I actually don't mind where we go as long as I get out of this
routine. As with all things lots of planning has to happen for the solo trip to
Scotland and the trip to Nevada or snowy Big Bear, California. Bad thing is
that I would have to be the one to drive up the mountain to Big Bear and its
snows there so we would have to use chains for the tires. I actually don't know
if I would be able to drive up there I remember we went about 8 years ago and
the snow was already melting and even then we needed chains. So yea, everyone
wants to go to a National Park in January but it's snowing by then, even
Yosemite was freezing in the summer nights through the mornings. I think I
would feel more comfortable driving to Vegas.
About the my life currently; well I have or am undergoing a
major transition right now. I have decided to let go of the people who are
negative in my life. So I did and now I don't feel so stressed, I feel more
peaceful. The thing is that sometimes I keep getting short attacks and spurs of
anxiety and panic. Just yesterday I wished death upon myself and I felt like I
did back when I was really mentally messed up. As for right now, I don't feel
any reason why to continue to live because I feel nothing. I think about things
that I used to really enjoy like music, Europe, travel and shopping but it
doesn't bring any emotion or feeling to myself. I think I am dying, I am scared
of this because I think it might be hard to turn back. Right now I don't have
much purpose to my life, I am going to school and I work a lot but that is it.
I just drain all of my energy on those two things, I feel like I am not moving
forward. I try to tell myself that I do have a purpose and that school and work
are stepping stones to moving forward in life. Well I think about it, I think
well lets see if I go to school all that is going to do is give me a job that
is going to have me stuck in an office or hospital for the majority of my life.
I am working and I am gaining more experience in the health field, I am
becoming more familiar with symptoms and medications. But that is it, I mean
isn't there supposed to be more to this life? I am becoming what I didn't want
to become. I've been thinking about it too, life with a job like that and I
mean nursing is cool, distracting and interesting but what about my soul? I
feel like all of the things that I liked to do are dead. I don't want to
continue to live if I am going to become a machine.
So what are these things that cause emotion. People? Travel?
I have tried them you know and I am bored to death because they are all the
same. People are the same and traveling is just seeing a place that is unique
to the eye. I think I know everyone because exposure to different people have
no stimulation in me, and travel I think I have seen pictures of the world
through media all the time, what difference would it make if I were to see it
in person.
I am the same as I have always been, or at least under the
eyes of others they always see me as a hard working student and employee. I
sometimes get scared because I feel like I am reaching a deeper state of
depersonalization. Someone could stab me right now and I wouldn't feel any
different.
So this is me trying to live. I am fighting, I know that no
one can save me but myself, but what if I don't want to be saved...
I just feel like I should vanish if I don't do anything to
change this damn world. There are so many bad things happening to people and
yes one person can make a difference. I just don't know what I would do. I feel
like, if I am thinking this way and others aren't then maybe it's my duty to do
something about it. Maybe I can do something.
