What’s wrong with me? I used to be able to study for 8 hrs straight. Now I can’t even open the book without wishing death upon myself. I used to be good. The best. But man I got tired of the waiting game. I kept telling myself hard work pays off. I guess in some aspects it does. Excellent grades, honors this honors that. Meaningless now. Life is quite unstimulating without pressure and reward. Unfortunately to me it became a plateau. It was easy to achieve scholastic goals. Then I began to wonder if I had been living my life behind the walls of school. I began to evaluate the more, I guess you can say philosophical side of life. For since I was a child I have been most obedient to my patents. I placed that blind fold on myself. Convincing that because they are older they know more about how life works, so be obedient to their orders.
Now I see. All too late. My life behind the regulations of elders. So I took a look at the time I had wasted. Wondered where any of the “thrill of life” was, and realized I was living behind a shadow of what people wanted me to be. Sure some of my personality got through but not enough to wish for my life to continue.
I never really contemplated suicide. More than rather the killing of my emotions. I felt too much and now that I’ve found a way to surpress them to an extreme, I find life a bitch to live without them. How can I go to Europe and not feel the rich culture, the history, the glory of art and architecture? I’d rather die if I couldn’t feel any of it. So I’ve been trying really hard to find my heart again. It’s most difficult to rationalize with that thing. It wants more, always. But I know what happens when you let it run, my god, too much emotions.
Education is important. So they say. It gets you a well paying job, which might have been true a long time ago. So what now? Either way I’m stuck. I can’t balance these two opposing forces. Scholastics vs. life, like what is that.
I’ve been feeling really bad lately. It's been hard to sleep. When I do sleep I am scared to be awaken with another throbbing pain in my chest, accompanied by sharp shortness of breath. They have a name for that sort of thing, it has to do with the body’s natural defense to keep itself from dying during sleep. Anyways. It fucking hurts, it's basically a panic attack that wakes you up during sleep.
So there, tired and unmotivated. When now I should be most motivated. 1 year from now I’ll be in Scotland. Which I’ve never been to, but here we go. It’s quite sad that I don’t even want to go anymore. In fact I feel my brain depress when I bring it up. It’s supposed to motivate me, but I am so tired of being let down. I was for a while excited to go, but after the admissions mess up it reminded me that everything that brings me a speck of happiness disappears. It’s been like that my whole life. Try living it, you would come to know the afterlife to be a bliss. So I think I’m just tired of my dreams and aspirations not coming true. I put the work in and everything just fucks up. I don’t think I’ve done anyone wrong. If we’d talk about that it would be that everyone has done me wrong.
I’m afraid to be like I was before. My depression and anxiety we’re too much. They didn’t let me get out of bed. Hours would go by and I would just be in bed. I can’t get like that again. It messed up my schooling. Especially now that I’m going to Europe for study. Depression is no game I can’t let that embedded itself on me to that level again.
So, Sandra. What will get you to open that book and give it a shot? You can try stabbing yourself with the "because good things don't ever come that easy," blade. Or maybe you can try "you are so fucking close to reaching your fucking utopia." Look at the facts:
A. Your going to Glasgow Uni next year
B. Wait what I really am going? Really!?
C. Your Mom more than anyone is helping you reach your goal. If not do this for yourself do this for her.
D. Please don't give up. I know you feel like shit because nothing has ever worked out for you. You don't have anyone, no one, it's always been you, by yourself. Look at you, your going to Europe. Europe!
E. The game is always the same. Every time it gets harder, the stresses become harder to overcome. But when you do overcome them you gain strength and knowledge.
F. If you want to be a god, you'd better start fighting like one. Remember ambition is your sword, that's how you take shit down.
G. One day you'll find someone who you can finally talk to and that person will understand. (I kind of have a feeling that person will be yourself.) People get kind of offended when you talk so raw about life. You will finally find refuge within. So go out there and well slay.
A. Your going to Glasgow Uni next year
B. Wait what I really am going? Really!?
C. Your Mom more than anyone is helping you reach your goal. If not do this for yourself do this for her.
D. Please don't give up. I know you feel like shit because nothing has ever worked out for you. You don't have anyone, no one, it's always been you, by yourself. Look at you, your going to Europe. Europe!
E. The game is always the same. Every time it gets harder, the stresses become harder to overcome. But when you do overcome them you gain strength and knowledge.
F. If you want to be a god, you'd better start fighting like one. Remember ambition is your sword, that's how you take shit down.
G. One day you'll find someone who you can finally talk to and that person will understand. (I kind of have a feeling that person will be yourself.) People get kind of offended when you talk so raw about life. You will finally find refuge within. So go out there and well slay.
