The Plan

     I often think about my life. In the times when I am forced to look into the beam of living. It hurts and it tears me apart, knowing that this is who I've become. When I was younger I didn't picture my future like this; painful, tiring and so depressing. This is my life. I see others enjoying it their life more than I. But I guess that is because its them, they deserve it. They deserve to be happy. I guess I'll lay in this bottomless pit of hell that is my life. I always try to distract myself from the present, by watching movies, being in school, studying or just playing one of my instruments. Those are some ways that I try to keep myself from the loser feeling to sink into me. I often think about my future. I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Unfortunately this is my future and I am sitting, blindly at it's throne. I have the power to change my life, or that is what everyone says. But how? How do I get out of being a loser. I have no friends, no car, no job. So yes, I am a loser. I need to get a job fast; and a car even faster. It has been a little over a week since I graduated as a CNA. I haven't found a job yet. Perhaps that is because I've only applied at two places. But this is another thing, I will not say but, I have to do something before I start applying everywhere, and that something I still haven't done. I don't think I would be able to tell you all what that thing is because Its one thing being a loser and another thing being... a shame or a disgrace. Yes disgrace that is me. I don't even know what to do anymore. What am I to do if I don't get a job. How will I pay my school? How will I move out of my parents house? How will I buy a car? Oh yes, and not only am I a damn disgrace, I am also fat! I am so stupid too. This life... This life is unstimulating. What is the damn point of living!?! I hate this I hate myself, and so does everybody else. I have become a slob, I can't even cook! What is my purpose here? Other than to be the laughing stock of everyone. All I do is sit here on my laptop and hope that something will happen, but I never take initiative.
   
    My life is a sad story. When I was a young girl we were invited to this church of people who dressed not so differently but, the females didn't wear make up, or jeans or shorts or shirts that were above their elbows or showed a lot of chest. So there it is in High school guess who was different and because of this didn't or wasn't allowed to try out for the track team or any bloody team! I hated that. But now I do dress differently in a way. I don't wear make up though and I haven't cut my hair really short. Although in that religion we are not supposed to. Anyways if there is a God and a Devil or whatever and what comes along with those two, a heaven and hell, well I will obviously go to hell. But yes, I need to change. I think this is what I am going to do: First, get that thing done, then call all these facilities and ask them if they have job openings for CNA's, third I will hopefully get an interview and a job. Fourth, I will be paid, which means I will have money to buy a car and pay for school and books. Fifth that would be good to have a car and money to help me. And sixth I will be able to move forward, by going to school and moving out and what not. I really, really, really need a job I don't even care where it is. I just need it, as a rite of passage. Also my siblings keep you know bothering me calling me stupid, ugly, fat and you know just telling me right up front to move out. I know its pretty, you know pressuring. So I must get the hell out of here to let my mind eat me. That way I won't be in anybody's way, that way I can let everybody be in peace without me being in the way. You know sometimes I wish that in the middle of the night I can pack some bags, start my car and just drive, somewhere with a beautiful view of the forest trees. Perhaps then stop at a hotel drink some coffee, stay up reading a book, or watching a movie. Then having a breakfast. But just letting my mind and soul to be released of stresses, to just be care free for even just a while, to not constantly be reminded of what a bad world this is and how you yourself are a bad person. 

    I wrote the two paragraphs above yesterday. Today is Sunday. I need a plan to change myself. So I have decided that I don't want to live my life behind a computer screen, well at least not all of it. I like looking at Tumblr and writing but I must get out there sometime. Like today when I was saying goodbye to my family members I felt the cold wind on my skin, I breathed in and I felt alive and I also felt like there was so much more out there. I felt like I did in Europe it was like, magic. It was a good day today. We threw a surprise party for my aunt, this is the aunt who has cancer. She has been in pain for a couple of days, I heard today. I feel bad for her I can't imagine having cancer I bet its scary and it might feel like you're trapped. I hope she gets better. Well there has been a problem with the family but today they solved it out, or they didn't fight, well yell at each other they all acted normal. My godmother, which I didn't even know that I had a godmother told me to never give up (on my studies). That was motivational to me. I need to work hard to get to where I want to be. So today my cousins godfather came to the party for a while. He is a doctor. Which is whoa like you'd expect it to be. I have thought of becoming a doctor but perhaps I am not built for that type of study or work. I really don't know who or what I am but I think I am starting to figure it out. I have made a plan...

    To change myself I need motivation, because lately using personal gain or whatever is not motivational to myself, so I have decided to use my family as a motivator. Like today at the party I was doing my hair in the bathroom but I could hear my mom and my aunts talking. They were asking about my studies and they were talking about their daughters studies and achievements as well. Everyone wants to be praised, so I must help my mom be more proud of my achievements, and that is why I have made this plan. First I need for the life of mine to find a damn job! Work and make money for a car and for school. Study hard and get into a good university with a good name. Yes name does matter here my aunts studied at universities and I well started off at a college. So then I really need to get into cal state Long Beach, because they have a really really good nursing program. Their passing rate for the nursing exam is 100%, so going there will really help me. I really need to get into Long beach state, so I'd better get above a 95% on the TEAS test that is the test that we have to take to apply to the program. I have also looked into West Coast University it has a passing rate of 87% but you know Long Beach is where to go. I have been thinking about this topic a lot. Long Beach accepts pharmacology and pathophysiology that have been taken at another school, West Coast doesn't. I am thinking, should I apply to the Nursing program for the spring since I graduate this Fall or should I wait and take these classes to give me better grades? I have no idea what to do. But I do know that I have to call Cal state Fullerton tomorrow to check on the financial aid thing.  I hope they give me money to attend or pay my classes which is what they do but ah if they don't then I'll just take one class there and call it a semester, because I only need one class to graduate that is Microbiology. But I am taking a music class, and maybe something at cal state fullerton. But jeez the classes there cost a lot of money. I may want to stay with the counseling class or well any class that has a good teacher. So I do hope I get financial aid for the university. I must call tomorrow, also I must call the facility that I applied to. My gosh do I need that job, I really really need that job! So I must also do that thing that I told you guys about but that I cannot say. Well I also need to call other places to see if they have openings for CNA's I hope I can get a job.

    So there we go I need a bloody job. And a gym to go to. I need to get back into shape that way I can be healthy and, well, thin. Well that is what I must do. I need to change myself I am the only person that will allow myself to be happy. I am the only person who is in charge of my future. If I don't take hold someone else will. There you go all. I hope when you feel down remember that you are the only person that can make you feel like that. Others can try and can bruise you on the outside but it is up to you to make yourself feel sad. That took a while for me to figure out. Don't let others drown you alive. Take hold of your life. You are the one who writes your future, you are the one who has control. You are in control.

The Stepping Stone

   Hello everyone. I haven't written in a while so of course I have a lot to say. I did some things and I as well accomplished some goals. First I would like to start with the goals, I passed my drivers test so I am now officially a licensed driver. I passed the state test and I am now a CNA, in which I can get a job in so that is what I am going to do. So that is that. I was supposed to be a licenced driver a long time ago but I was just scared of failing because my parents hold me to a high standard. I don't know what else to say, but I feel like I have grown to be wicked these past couple of weeks. I have filled myself up with jealousy and hatred, not to mention other things for which I feel that my life shouldn't continue no more. I am confused, am I really alive now, is this really who I am? I try to hide my feelings, but I guess because of that is why I am now being hated more that I already was. Not only by my "friends" but now by my family. I don't know who I am, but I do know that who I am becoming, I hate... I have become greedy, competitive and just an unemotional being. There are too many things that I hate about who I am becoming. I believe it's because of the way I am treating or feeling about that one "friend" that I have told you all about. Once I started getting happy or feeling like I was going to be free and do what I want once I gave her her things back and never to speak to her again. That, in that moment is when these bad emotions and a bad stem dug into my personality. I need to change. To be who I was before this stem came in. Before I let it in. I don't know how to change. How is the question. I need help, I need to shed this hatred and know that people are not perfect. I think I know that, it's just that once a person continues to do the same thing over and over again for more than 6 years. And you forgive everyone of those times and they continue to do you the same harm again and get a laugh out of it and involve people that know nothing of who I am. That is just too far. I know that no one is perfect. How do I let this supposed friend go and just let it be like nothing happened, like I never knew who she was. How do I forgive this whole burden, all this hurt, all this pain, all this hell that I won't be able to give back, this hell that will follow me forever, that would be tied to my heart, my soul, my being.

    Well I guess I'll forgive her this last time. Last time because I don't want her to "be that close to me." This is the thing once you go into college all those friends that you had in high school don't follow. That is because they are majoring in something else than you are or they are going to another school. So if you are still in high school and reading this don't think that those friends in high school are going to be there for you 100%. Everyone is going to build their own future, that may exclude you. The thing is I was aware of that before I started college and it didn't really bother me. This friend that I told you about followed me into my major, school and social life. I mean its okay if you follow me into 1 or 2 of these things but all 3!? No. People need their space. Plus if she wasn't acting or being the way she is towards me then maybe I wouldn't hold these thoughts about her. I just feel that she needs to grow up, and realize that no one is going to put up with the bull shit that she gives. Unfortunately she wasn't taught well, by me. I forgive and forgive everything but it seems like the message doesn't get through to her brain. I think after 6 years of being "friends" that she would be able to get the message. I even told her verbally. Okay so how to do this... I think that first I will have to giver her her things back. I know I haven't yet and that is because I don't have a car and previously because of school I had no time. But now I do, now that I am out of school and on a little more than a month of vacation. So I'll give her her stuff back, and I don't know about the whole her having my number to text me and stuff. But I have been distant from her this summer. Perhaps I will ignore her messages like that one friend did to her other friend. But perhaps I shall grow some gut and tell her that I don't want to be her "friend" no more. But what? What to do. What road would I take.

    Okay so I gave it about a whiles thought. In October it is my 21st birthday. She said that she was going to in simpler and less words make a fool out of me. Okay here is what she said in paraphrasing words: On your 21st birthday I will make you drink. Me: No. Her: I will force you to drink and if not I will make fun of you the rest of the night. What kind of a "friend" is that? I told her that she isn't invited to my "party". I put party in quotation marks, because I don't really enjoy parties that much but I do like having like a dinner and just having a talk, with a couple of people. Okay well I have been writing okay a lot. For my 21st I would just like to have a dinner with my family. That is it I don't want heavy drinking or anything crazy. Just a dinner at a restaurant called Boca that is somewhat close to where I live. It is an Italian restaurant, my family and I have been there before in Las Vegas. I guess part of the reason why I don't want a big party is because I have never really had big parties in the past. All I have gotten for the past, perhaps 7-10 years of my birthdays is just a happy birthday from my family. That is it no cake, no presents, just sometimes money. And that is it. Just really simple.

     Since she wants to attend my birthday well dinner; I will just tell her no because she is going to make me look like a fool. And I know my parents will ask where or why she didn't come, or well at least my mom would. I think she knows though that I am pushing her away a bit because when she texts me I answer very vaguely, not thoroughly like I would. So that is a clue to her. Once I giver her her things back another clue. And once I decide what to do that would be the last and I will tell her straight up that I don't want her in my life no more. Thing is I never consider someone a friend until they have proven themselves to me. I know people make mistakes so I am not hard. I will just see if you like to make fun of me for long periods and don't change or if you mess with my family that would be the end. There is another friend that is somewhat in the same red spot, if you will as my "friend" she somewhat has a chance. I am giving her a chance. I give lots of chances because if I do, I see how far you take the next messed up thing that you do. I guess I'll tall or write about this person when I hang out with her in a few days or so. So yea my sister when I told her that I and my friends were making plans to go to the beach and if she wanted to come. She asked me if ... oh jeez I almost wrote her name. But she asked me if this "friend" of mine was going. I said "I don't know," and she replied saying "I want her to go." I told her that some other friends of mine were going. Some friends that she already knows. She said that she doesn't like this other friend that I told you guys that I'll write about later. So now I don't know what to do about the situation. I mean I don't want to go with that "friend" with the other mutual friends that we have because, they both know and I guess my sister knows too that she makes fun of me. It's like a rush that she gets when she makes fun of me or insults me. You should see her face, filled with a big smile when she hurts me. So I don't know I just now thought of something. What if I do invite this "friend" over to the beach. See if she acts the same, because she always does when there is a circle of people that we talk to, or even are acquaintances to. I think that is what I am going to do. Invite her and see how she acts. Then tell her if she acts that way that I don't want her to be in my life no more. I don't want her to be my acquaintance and I don't want myself to be her rag doll. So it is settled then. Lets see how this goes. Ah me and my chances. I will provide an explanation if she acts so.

    Okay now that that is settled. That is how I shall perform. Another chance that well is not so deserved. But alright. So I must tell you guys that I am going to pick up a job application tomorrow and I am going to turn in a job application. Oh gosh I am so nervous because what if the facility doesn't want me to work with them. Jeez I am scared. I want and need a job badly. So wish me luck guys I guess tonight I will have to sleep, well before 1 A.M. Because I am going to school so the people there can help me with the job application and so I can ask them some questions. I think we got somewhere today, with this writing. Its one of the reasons why I like to write, so I can see what I am doing and to express myself. Alright then I guess I must go now, because I have to clean my room and fill out the rest of the application. Goodnight everyone.

Alone

     Today is Tuesday, and one of my friends, Zaida keeps trying to try to find out my URL to my blogger site! Zaida is someone that I met in the CNA program. She's cool. Well it is now Wednesday I think a week passed by because when I said that today is Tuesday well it was last Tuesday that I wrote that sentence. Well then. I didn't write last week because I had a lot to do. By a lot to do I mean that I had many tests and quizzes that I had to study for. Today is Zaidas birthday. She is 19. Which is good. I am happy for her because she is always so happy everyday. I have never met someone like that. I know I am not happy everyday. Tomorrow is the fourth of July so I have no class which is good, but I have to read for my psychology class. I hope I pass the class because its hard. I underestimated it. Which sucks. I have never taken an online class, so this is the first and last time that I will because I just don't know what to focus on. It is too much reading and I don't know what to memorize. That is why its hard and I don't want to read everything but I still do and its hard to keep it in memory because its way too much. Too much because I also have to study for the CNA class. The tests for my psychology class and the CNA class are always back to back so it is very stressful. I am still going to try though because you know you have to. Okay well since my blog is about life, my life and just life in general I will write about that. I feel good today. I feel good when I get a break from school and everything, just to reflect on how I am doing and to get inspired by what I read on Tumblr. Lately, I have been feeling life really strong. I feel like I am starting to live. I feel like I am taking baby steps towards higher goals. I have read some things about life and I am starting to see. I know that life is difficult but I just want to be happy. I know that is such a cliche but yes I want to be happy, be successful and fall in love. I mean after all you only have one life. Why not live stress free and happy, fall in love, live and fly.

    I just really wish I can hold on to good feelings. To good vibrations that come to me. I feel good sometimes like now. Now that I am resting, getting inspired, and listening to calming and relaxing music that fills my soul with emotions. Beethoven radio is really good on pandora. I am listening to a song called Treasure Falls by David Nevue. I am getting serious feelings about life. I mean I am 20 years old. This is the time when I shall shape up and live. The most important steps towards your future are now. How you choose to spend your time will determine who you become. I just feel like I need help. I am unable to really feel emotions that well. Primarily because I trained myself to block them out. Now I want to feel. Now that I have a chance to get out of the slump and to change, to become someone better than who I am. I went on facebook for a bit and one of my friends posted this:

"All of a sudden two decades have passed and you still have not kissed anyone with tongue, or kissed anyone at all for that matter, or had a 3AM conversation with someone who would rather look into your eyes for ten minutes straight than talk. You have never worn a lover's sweater or "forgotten" it at home in your bedroom just so you would have an excuse to see them again. You have never even stood face-to-face with someone who makes you hands shake so hard it feels like they're both having a separate anxiety attack. This causes you much guilt and self-blame and sadness but above all, an overwhelming curiosity. Are you really that ugly, that unwanted, that uninteresting, that boring, that no one, absolutely no one, has ever looked at you like the only thing on earth? The answer is no. The better answer is that someone out there, someone in the world, is "wondering what it's like to meet someone like you," and they have two decades worth of love stored in their veins like a shoot-'em-up drug,  and they're just about ready to inject it into someone else's bloodstream. All you have to do is roll up your sleeves and wait for it to happen. At times you felt so lonely you could stand at the edge of a cliff with nothing beneath you but air and grass and a long, long way down, and you'd still feel emptier than the canyon itself. Maybe you even danced with yourself alone in your room a few times, arms outstretched around a ghost, pretending someone else's hands were on your wait, someone else's eyes boring into yours. Or maybe you fell temporarily in love with strangers on public transportation, fell in love with anybody who so much as accidentally brushed your hand on the way past. For you, falling in love with dozens of people a day was a coping mechanism for not having anyone to love you in return. But people are not eggs and falling in love with a dozen of them does not mean your shell will remain uncracked. One day you're going to hit the point where you're so desperate for human contact that you're going to snap in half and all your love will bleed out like egg yolk. But someone out there is eating a bowl of Ramen noodles right now, or putting on slippers, or settling into bed. They are  just like you. They have cellulite and extra fat in all the wrong places and goals and fears and doubts and bad handwriting. The truth is that they are just like you, and being just like you, they're looking for a lover too. They're what you might call a soulmate. They think they're all alone in feeling the way they do, but you're really both two halves of a whole. And one day you'll meet them, bump into them on the street, and your two halves will be put together, and you'll make one." - Writings For Winter- For Twenty Year- Olds who have never been loved

 Isn't that beautiful? I feel like it was talking about me. What a wonderful write. I am starting to feel what the quote is saying. To feel desperate for human contact. I have never had a boyfriend. I know this is selfish of me but I am afraid to get hurt, I hope I overcome that emotion. Sometimes when I am alone in my room, like now I feel sad, alone, and dead. Sometimes when I am writing I feel tears coming in my eyes. Because I can't feel. I am so alone. In part I myself have set this environment for me. But now, now that I am here, now that I have rid of people in my life. I now know that, people, they help you, even though they might hurt you at times. I do understand that if people hurt you over and over again with the same technique that it is time to let that person go. I now understand that people will hurt you. But they will help you and give you memories to live by. Hopefully not memories, I wish they would stay. I never knew how much human contact is needed by the soul. To feel loved, to love in return and to make each other happy is what we do. Unfortunately I became I guess angry and that made me block my emotions and thoughts about people. I didn't want anyone in my life, I have been hurt so many times. But then again who hasn't been hurt. Because of my anger I began to block people out of my life. Some only one I had to block out because it was affecting me. About that person I still haven't made it official to have blocked her out perhaps tomorrow I will. Tomorrow I hope things go good. I think I might go to the beach or to the theaters. I wish sometimes that I could have one of those teenager nights. You know the ones where they have fun and just experience something new. The nights where you feel alive. I haven't had one of those. The closest thing to that experience was prom night. My two friends and I after the dance went to dennys to eat. And of course as a high school student the emotions of wanting to block out emotions had taken place. Afraid of hurting, afraid of attachment, therefore I had no date to the prom. I know how silly. I mean some guys asked but I.. I didn't feel confident enough, I am shy and I didn't want the pain to come to me. But now, now that I see what it is, a part that life is about. Here is what I believe to have learned from years of solidarity and being to overprotective of my feelings. The point in life is to have moments that take your breath away. Even though they are going to end, the point is that it happened and now you can have that memory. Even though sometimes you might miss the time or the person that gave you butterflies, the goal or perhaps the gain is that the moment happened.

    Today is the fourth of July. My family and I are alone once again. Well this time my aunt came over. I don't know if its because she said something bad about her sisters daughter and because of that she isn't invited over to their house. Well she is well you know supposed to be wiser than that. I heard that she said something bad about my aunts daughter. The thing that she said I heard in person. I heard that my other aunt that was with us at the time that my aunt said it, my aunt told my other aunt about it. Because of what she said and because my other aunt told my other aunt is why now no one wants to invite her for dinners and stuff. So now I have been seeing her a lot in my house. Previously she wouldn't be here. The only reason that the "family" has been getting together more or has been getting together is because of my grandmothers death. May she rest in peace. Before that sad event I wouldn't hear anything from my aunts or anyone. Now that one of my aunts has cancer, now I see them more. Well enough of that, I was just telling you guys that way we are on the same page. Earlier today I came into the house from the store and felt alone. I saw my aunt. She is alone. Her son lives in Panama and I don't know about my uncle. I have never heard anything from him, never even knew that he existed. I still don't, and I don't know if I ever will know a thing about him. So in my mind I haven't linked my aunt with a husband. She has always been alone. Which is sad of course. Perhaps because she lives alone and because she is alone is why she acts weird around people. By acting I mean saying or doing inappropriate things in front of people. Like the thing she said about my cousin. Or the act that she was doing in my aunts new years party. I am not even going to write what she was doing. Perhaps because she is alone she acts that way. But I would still try to control it. Okay, well when I came in I felt a strong emotion pressing down on me. To my understanding it was life calling out to me again. It was teaching me a lesson. I glanced at my aunt for a second. She was alone. I saw in her eyes sadness and a need for human contact by having a good talk or something of that sort. I am experiencing to a degree what she is. By looking at her and having that feeling I saw my parents. So closed off. The only thing they do for entertainment is watch tv. How sad I thought. I don't want that to be my only window to the outside. So I thought that next year I would like to go somewhere, perhaps Europe or somewhere cool.

    It is 9:17 PM here in California. The feeling comes once more, as I listen to the sound of fireworks outside. I think, I should be at the beach or somewhere watching these fireworks with a sweetheart. But instead I am here writing how I would like to be getting that experience. I hope one day I do. But for now I must push forward to get out of my shell. Although I know that I am going to be alone I shall be alone exploring. Exploring and hoping that I might find someone to make my heart sing. Someone who I would love forever and they shall love me.