Mind in Darkness

   I have been reflecting a bit about my life. I mean we only have one life to live, if we don't do something that makes us happy then its just a waste. I keep seeing people succeed in what they set out for themselves which is good. But then I think why can't I have that success? They all look so happy. I can't... I don't even know how. Its getting to me now. Like really getting to me. I know its going to get worse. So I have to get my mind out of the darkness and well, not numbed anymore. I feel like my mind, my brain is paralyzed. Perhaps its because I am supposed to be having the time of my life. Instead I am stuck doing the same thing over and over again. Its making me sick and tired. I don't even know what life is anymore. I feel nothing, except for this immense headache all the time. I wake up every morning and hope that my life might change. But so far nothing has happened. I just want to be free to feel and be happy. Just like I was when I was young. Now its just going through school and being a loser. I know that going to school is good but you all know the problems I have been having. I was so inspired when I was beginning school. But I slowly started to fade away. I have never felt this way before. It sucks. I have been prescribed like 2 years ago to ibuprofen for my headaches. I know taking meds is bad so I stopped. Now this headache has come back hard. As for the numbness it has been growing, and it hasn't stopped. I just need something really powerful to change me. To restart me. I keep trying to have a positive outlook that I will find that restart change. But I have only been drowning deeper into well nothing, just sadness and unknowingness of the future or anything. I know that no one knows what their future holds. I just really want to get out of this dark place that I am at. I try to suppress the emotions of this drowning. I think its because I want my life to be perfect, but its not. No ones life is.

   So I am always saying that I am going to get rid of that "friend" well yea I am I just need to give her her things back. That way she won't call me for anything. Maybe I'll check and do that today. But yes it is the weekend and once again I am so very bored and have nothing to do. This is exactly why I need to get my drivers licence and a get a job. That way I can go where I want to and buy stuff, like lots of clothes and shoes. I have changed my mood a bit as you can tell because that last paragraph was really dark. I suppress the depression as much as I can, but then it gets to the point where I can't hold everything in and then I have to let it out. I am so bored. I need to study like always for a test coming up this Tuesday. I have to memorize 17 chapters and I haven't started. So now I don't know what to do. Well I need to study but I don't want to. My friend just asked me if I wanted to go to the library I said no. As you can tell I am digging my own grave to fail in that upcoming test. I have today and tomorrow to study but I don't want to. And I just ah! I think I don't want to because my back hurts when I have to be hunched over to read the book and its hot. I am so tired of doing nothing though. I should study then I will make myself an iced coffee and change my long sleeved shirt.

   Well then as always I hope everything is going well with you guys. I hope my whole situation gets better because I can't function like this. I need to know that things are going to be okay and that no one is going to get in my way to success anymore, not even myself. I sometimes think I am crazy for going to school all the time, but its the only thing that I do. Once I get my licence and job then it would join with school. I hope that everything goes well and that I change. I must fight this depression and move on. One day I will be where I want to and I will be happy. Well then time to hit the books, I hope I do good. I mean 17 chapters! man thats a lot. I am scared for the other tests too, especially the final and the state test to get my certificate and be able to work but that will happen four weeks. I must push forward but I don't even know for what. So I must convince myself that things will be better with a job, car, attending two schools in the fall and for that long vacation that I will have next year that I need to save money for to go where I want to. I want to go to Italy but you know I have no idea if that would happen or if I will end up going somewhere in the U.S. like to see the grand canyon or to yellowstone. Well goodbye I will be back soon. I really hope things get better and I know that it takes awhile for it to happen it would also take some work on my behalf. Oh I forgot to tell you guys I start my online psychology class on Monday. So I don't even know if I should take that class. Also that another friend that is well I don't know shes kinda different I would say but let me tell you guys about her that way we are on the same page. Well she is 23 and still lives with her parents, she doesn't have a job, she has a medical assistant certificate so I don't see why she keeps asking me if I know somewhere where they are hiring, ah well she is kinda cool but then she showed me her ugly side. She kept saying that I am ugly! I know I am but there is such thing as having respect. Plus she said it repeated amount of times. She used to always bother me saying lets hang out or somethings like that. When she was younger she didn't like church but now she is going and that is because she knows that those people are going to stay there and she could be part of like a group. This is a group of friends that I am talking about. Well enough of her. She asked if she could join the CNA program that I was doing ah! I know I need people in life to talk to and stuff but I have learned better. Its a good thing that no one that I know doesn't read my blog, at least I hope they haven't found it. But yes I am tired of people trying to follow me everywhere! Just leave me alone because you bring me down with your negativity and pressure. Well then that is it. Plus even if she joined she would have dropped out because she always drops her college classes. I told her to take online classes but you know. Oh well.

    Once I get myself up and out of this shit hole that I am in everyone is going to start to want to hang out with me or whatever. I know it will happen. I just won't let them because the aided in drowning me so fuck them! I am sick and tired of this shit life that I am living. So I must stand up and put a stop to all the shit happening. Ah, yes I just explained my emotions of how it feels to be a fucking loser. I will succeed in getting better and everything will be just fine as soon as I give my "friends" shit back, that would be the end of her in my life. I have given her way to many chances to change so fuck her, I won't help her anymore.

   That should top off this blog entry, have a great weekend everyone.