Midpoint

   I have no idea what is going on now. I probably shouldn't be writing this because it's kind of lat and because I have to get up early tomorrow to do clinicals. So I might post this probably during the weekend so I can say everything that happened this week. Well I had a test this Tuesday that I didn't study well for but I got a B. So that is okay because I am not fighting for an A or whatever. I started my psychology class this Monday. I have read the syllabus and its a lot of work. But I can probably do it, I just really need to focus. I need to get an A in the psychology class. I don't know if I should try to get an A in my CNA course. I'll think about it and read some stuff online about it as well. Well today is Wednesday and I posted something as my status on FB (I know but I swear this is like weird what one of my friends wrote). Okay I wrote that in order to move forward you have to break down barriers, meaning like habits, negative influences and negative people if you have to. So then my friend comments saying oh everyone likes to feel like the victim and what not. I really do not like to be the victim because being the victim means dealing with shit. I didn't write that because you know if you lose control like do kind of when writing means that your kind of crazy. Sometimes it does. Okay but seriously I mean would you guys like it if I would follow you around and call you stupid, ugly, and make people that I and you don't know feel uncomfortable because I say stupid things like oh don't show him/her that because it might provoke them, or I know she so stupid the answer was so obvious, I can go on forever with this list. But this "friend" has done this things to me. So would you all like me to do that to you? No. Right? First of all this is disrespectful, rude and annoying to everyone. Second you are a grown person, you are not a little kid going through the puberty phase in need to push someone down to feel better about yourself. The friend that commented said that there is this book that he read that talks about learning to accept people or whatever, something like that like that you are the stress of your life. Yes that's it that nothing can bother you as much as your mind does. Well let me tell you something I believe that people can bother you more than your mind if it gets to the level that I am on. Its her the person who keeps making my life a hell. I went a semester without her. I took different classes than her, the only way I was able to do this was because she failed Chemistry and Anatomy so she had to take them over again. Well then. I have to tell you guys more about the "friend" because then maybe you will able to see it how I see it. But the mind I understand how its a stressor because its constantly trying to analyze, to solve, to seek the most efficient way out of something, basically always deducting our life. Well, I have to go because I have to wake up early and go to school and I also have to get my stuff ready for tomorrow and what not. I'll be back soon probably on Saturday. Till then, then.

    Hello, I am back. Today is Saturday. I have three exams this upcoming week. So I must study but I can never seem to find the feel to study during the day. I must, or I will go to sleep and then get up at night to study. I think its because its hot during the day and because I am lazy and don't want to study. Well everything seems to be going well. I feel good today. This morning I woke up and felt like I was a kid again. My mind was free of worries and stress. I held on to the feeling for a while then it left but I feel good still. Ah. Oh about the CNA program it is weird too much hard work I always come out feeling weird and tired when I am done with clinicals. On the last week of school we go all that week to clinicals. Which is good and bad; good because we practice skills bad because I am so dead after each day. I really do hope everything continues to go the way it is because I feel good. I still am not at the reach or the point where I want to be with my studies. But I am trying. I should really stop writing and get to studying. Jeez, I play a bit of piano but I want to memorize a piece, maybe Beethoven or Mozart or something easy. I need to really focus on school. Like always. I should hit it hard because next year I am going to have 8 months off of school. So that is good, I shall keep that in mind when I am about to die while studying. I keep breaking down a lot. Like right now I just felt like crying I don't know why. When I was studying this week I actually did cry. I just couldn't capture or hold in anymore. I haven't had a break from school so I think that is what it is. But next year, oh next year will be great. This year its going to start getting good that is if I get all the things that I need to get done. I need to get my drivers licence, I know I have been saying that a lot that is because I was scared to get it at first and I still am because I don't want to fail it I want to pass it the first time. Well that is going to happen 4 weeks from now on a Friday is when I need to take it because that will be the only day off that I will have. Okay then I just feel so weird now like I am flying. It's good. I tried chipotle yesterday heres a picture:

It was good. Made from organic food. Or so they claim. I feel the urge to go hiking or to travel right now. But I will have time next year. I hope. I hope to get accepted into CSULB or WCU. I need to find other nursing schools around me that offer a BSN because I don't want to do ADN. Well then ah, I feel tired today and I am drinking coffee! Okay I just vacuumed my room a bit, I have to do laundry and study. I need to start getting serious about everything I am 20 years old! My time to live, to be hardcore, to be happy starts now. Unfortunately it comes with hardcore times like studying to have a good job and stuff. I just keep hearing that it is going to be worth it in the end. Oh I went to Starbucks yesterday and me and some girl started talking. She was nice, 23 and moved to Anaheim a while ago she told me. She is planning to go back to school and study business. She told me that school and studying will be worth it in the end. I should start paying attention to people because yea you know I also think it would be worth it because you will be good financially and have a good house and what not. I feel good. I keep saying that I will try to hold on to this feeling and I will try to change but its so hard to change.

    Okay this past Sunday Drake Bell was at Disneyland! Ah I am never going to meet a famous person am I. The thing is that he is always there I heard and saw. So hopefully he comes back that way I can meet him, because I grew up watching him on Drake and Josh. I can't wait till I am done with summer school because then I am going to get a break and I am planning on going to the beach or somewhere before I start the Fall semester. I am somewhat excited on starting the Fall semester because by then I will have a car, I will be attending University and I will be working. I hope to work at Kaiser Permanente, where my aunt works as a CNA. So I was thinking if I do like volunteer work there and if my aunt can help get me in then that would be good because they pay your school if you attend. I really need to find a third school to apply to for their nursing program I don't know which one. I really really really!! Want to attend CSULB! But that school is so difficult to get accepted into for their nursing program. All I can do is hope and try to get accepted. Oh my gosh! I forgot that I am supposed to be studying for the TEAS test! Jeez I am supposed to take it in December. But first I am supposed to find a school that offers it in December. Gosh that test is going to kill me because its simple but its that simple hard you know the type that focuses on every little detail. I have to memorize conversions for this upcoming test and for the TEAS test. I am going to try to stay up tonight and get as much studying done, I mean its so hot to study. Maybe I should have gone to the library with my friend. I hope I don't fail anything. 

    Okay I guess I'd better get going now I don't feel like doing anything. But I hope I do get stuff done today or tonight. Well then everyone have a great summer. I am going to try to get some things done. I really hope I can its just the heat! Jeez Cali. I know its worse in other places though. Till next week everyone have a great day or night depending where you are at. 

Mind in Darkness

   I have been reflecting a bit about my life. I mean we only have one life to live, if we don't do something that makes us happy then its just a waste. I keep seeing people succeed in what they set out for themselves which is good. But then I think why can't I have that success? They all look so happy. I can't... I don't even know how. Its getting to me now. Like really getting to me. I know its going to get worse. So I have to get my mind out of the darkness and well, not numbed anymore. I feel like my mind, my brain is paralyzed. Perhaps its because I am supposed to be having the time of my life. Instead I am stuck doing the same thing over and over again. Its making me sick and tired. I don't even know what life is anymore. I feel nothing, except for this immense headache all the time. I wake up every morning and hope that my life might change. But so far nothing has happened. I just want to be free to feel and be happy. Just like I was when I was young. Now its just going through school and being a loser. I know that going to school is good but you all know the problems I have been having. I was so inspired when I was beginning school. But I slowly started to fade away. I have never felt this way before. It sucks. I have been prescribed like 2 years ago to ibuprofen for my headaches. I know taking meds is bad so I stopped. Now this headache has come back hard. As for the numbness it has been growing, and it hasn't stopped. I just need something really powerful to change me. To restart me. I keep trying to have a positive outlook that I will find that restart change. But I have only been drowning deeper into well nothing, just sadness and unknowingness of the future or anything. I know that no one knows what their future holds. I just really want to get out of this dark place that I am at. I try to suppress the emotions of this drowning. I think its because I want my life to be perfect, but its not. No ones life is.

   So I am always saying that I am going to get rid of that "friend" well yea I am I just need to give her her things back. That way she won't call me for anything. Maybe I'll check and do that today. But yes it is the weekend and once again I am so very bored and have nothing to do. This is exactly why I need to get my drivers licence and a get a job. That way I can go where I want to and buy stuff, like lots of clothes and shoes. I have changed my mood a bit as you can tell because that last paragraph was really dark. I suppress the depression as much as I can, but then it gets to the point where I can't hold everything in and then I have to let it out. I am so bored. I need to study like always for a test coming up this Tuesday. I have to memorize 17 chapters and I haven't started. So now I don't know what to do. Well I need to study but I don't want to. My friend just asked me if I wanted to go to the library I said no. As you can tell I am digging my own grave to fail in that upcoming test. I have today and tomorrow to study but I don't want to. And I just ah! I think I don't want to because my back hurts when I have to be hunched over to read the book and its hot. I am so tired of doing nothing though. I should study then I will make myself an iced coffee and change my long sleeved shirt.

   Well then as always I hope everything is going well with you guys. I hope my whole situation gets better because I can't function like this. I need to know that things are going to be okay and that no one is going to get in my way to success anymore, not even myself. I sometimes think I am crazy for going to school all the time, but its the only thing that I do. Once I get my licence and job then it would join with school. I hope that everything goes well and that I change. I must fight this depression and move on. One day I will be where I want to and I will be happy. Well then time to hit the books, I hope I do good. I mean 17 chapters! man thats a lot. I am scared for the other tests too, especially the final and the state test to get my certificate and be able to work but that will happen four weeks. I must push forward but I don't even know for what. So I must convince myself that things will be better with a job, car, attending two schools in the fall and for that long vacation that I will have next year that I need to save money for to go where I want to. I want to go to Italy but you know I have no idea if that would happen or if I will end up going somewhere in the U.S. like to see the grand canyon or to yellowstone. Well goodbye I will be back soon. I really hope things get better and I know that it takes awhile for it to happen it would also take some work on my behalf. Oh I forgot to tell you guys I start my online psychology class on Monday. So I don't even know if I should take that class. Also that another friend that is well I don't know shes kinda different I would say but let me tell you guys about her that way we are on the same page. Well she is 23 and still lives with her parents, she doesn't have a job, she has a medical assistant certificate so I don't see why she keeps asking me if I know somewhere where they are hiring, ah well she is kinda cool but then she showed me her ugly side. She kept saying that I am ugly! I know I am but there is such thing as having respect. Plus she said it repeated amount of times. She used to always bother me saying lets hang out or somethings like that. When she was younger she didn't like church but now she is going and that is because she knows that those people are going to stay there and she could be part of like a group. This is a group of friends that I am talking about. Well enough of her. She asked if she could join the CNA program that I was doing ah! I know I need people in life to talk to and stuff but I have learned better. Its a good thing that no one that I know doesn't read my blog, at least I hope they haven't found it. But yes I am tired of people trying to follow me everywhere! Just leave me alone because you bring me down with your negativity and pressure. Well then that is it. Plus even if she joined she would have dropped out because she always drops her college classes. I told her to take online classes but you know. Oh well.

    Once I get myself up and out of this shit hole that I am in everyone is going to start to want to hang out with me or whatever. I know it will happen. I just won't let them because the aided in drowning me so fuck them! I am sick and tired of this shit life that I am living. So I must stand up and put a stop to all the shit happening. Ah, yes I just explained my emotions of how it feels to be a fucking loser. I will succeed in getting better and everything will be just fine as soon as I give my "friends" shit back, that would be the end of her in my life. I have given her way to many chances to change so fuck her, I won't help her anymore.

   That should top off this blog entry, have a great weekend everyone.

Scrap

   Hello. I have just completed my first week of the CNA program. It was weird, I have to tell you. I felt uncomfortable. I think it was because we have to get up early, like sometimes we start class at 8 AM and sometimes at 7 AM. So that throws me off because I don't like getting up early and I don't perform well under those circumstances. I have this really weird feeling in my head right now. I have had it for a while. By a while I mean for about 7 years. 7 years is when it grew. The feeling is that I have no feeling for knowing that life is real. My emotions or senses that are specifically for knowing that I am awake and not in a dream have not been working for 7 years. I have told you all about the how I can't feel emotions that well anymore. I can't which sucks. Music somewhat moves me to a degree. It used to move me a lot. Along with that I haven't grasped the fact that I am an adult. I mean I don't feel like an adult. I am 20 years old. I have done 3 years of college work. Looking back at those three years I have lost a lot, because in the beginning I was so inspired, so happy, so ready to change. But because of that "friend" that I was too I guess nice to tell her to leave, or I guess to tell her to stop being a bitch, or to stop being stupid and arrogant. Because of that person... she did so much harm to me. She is the one who turned me into a emotionless person. She took my dignity away. To anyone who we met, because she always wanted or wants I shall say wanted because I am not going to let her out of my life. I guess I am a coward because I am just going to give her her stuff back that I borrowed, but I am not going to tell her that I don't want to be her friend anymore. I should right? Just because you know I would have something, but I will if she wants me to hang out with her or if she wants to come to my supposed 21st birthday party. I say supposed because I rarely have birthday parties. I just might go out to eat with my family and then go home and relax, if my birthday doesn't fall on a weekday. I just checked the calendar and my birthday falls on a Saturday. Which is good because well maybe I don't know how the school situation is going to be then.

   Oh, yes I keep getting freaked out by the whole school situation because well I can't remember saying that I wanted to take the violin class in the fall, but I do, and the school is offering it. The whole school thing is so complex right now because I am going to be attending the college and university of Fullerton. So yea. I just found out that the microbio and music class fall on monday wednesday so that is good, because I am going to or am planning to attend the university on tuesday thursday. So I have to finish the orientation for the school and then check their schedule and what not. I am hoping to get ethnic studies and maybe a counseling class or something easy that is 3 units to have a full time status at the school. I have to have more units at the university than the college so finding an easy 3 unit class I need. I am excited to take the violin class. Even though the schedule doesn't say who would be teaching it. I have to pay the college tuition out of pocket unfortunately. That is why I am going to get a job hopefully as a CNA, to get money to pay the class and books and what not. I mean I could take the microbio class at csuf but its only 4 units there and 5 units at the college. I need to get an A and I will get an A. I will because I will be focused, I pray. But also free from the bitch. Maybe me calling her a bitch seems confusing to some of you. I shall tell you the story why she deserves to be called that, perhaps in my next blog entry, that way we can be on the same page, and you guys won't be wondering why I call her that. 

    Well then I start the second week of school tomorrow. I should think myself crazy with all the schooling that I am doing this year. I must be focused but my headaches have been with me the whole way. I guess I must do yoga in the weekends and what not. Perhaps also keep away from the laptop but that is my only form of entertainment. I mean you all know I have no friends and no boyfriend and whatever. I am now thinking about those guys that wanted to date me but I purposely did something to keep them away. Ugh, but its like my family is going to like say ooo Sandra has a boyfriend and whatever. I don't like those things. So I don't know what to do about a boyfriend. I went to study on Saturday with a couple of acquaintances that I have at school. It was good. I got a ride there from an acquaintance. Then when we were done my Dad picked me up, we went to go get pizza and then I watched a movie (which is what I do for entertainment because you know) then I got ready to go to Kohls and Starbucks around 10 PM. Here is a picture of what I bought at Starbucks:  

It is a vanilla bean frappuccino and a cheese danish. It was good, and that concludes my Saturday. Today Sunday I went to church, not the one we "usually" go to but one that my moms friend invited her to. We went it was okay, I just felt that they prayed more than preached. Or so does the guest speaker. So I guess I can't judge the church by that person. Well that was weird. After the service, which my mom, my brother and I went to, we went to t-shirt outlet, then to eat at Del-Taco the we went to Kohls again but that was to get the stuff that we put on hold and to get more stuff. I got a cute skirt. It is striped. The weekend I guess was okay. But it is this damn headache that has been following me everywhere I go. I have no idea how to get it off or get rid of it. So I am just going to try yoga and tea, hopefully that works. Well, I must go now I have to get up for school tomorrow. Wish my luck guys I wish the best for you all too. Goodnight or good morning depending on where you are at :) 

The Fall

     Today was the last day of school. I have taken 2 heavy science classes. I know I have failed one and the other I am just waiting to know my grade. There is nothing I can do now. The college teachers have voted on having a short semester which means that the finals are all in one week. I know if it were the other way when we had two weeks to do finals that I would have gotten the grades that I wanted. There is this thing that I haven't been wanting to face and that is the fact that I do not want to become a nurse. I know its bad for me to say that. I mean I know the job pays good money but the work is just not stimulating me. When I was younger I wanted to become an artist. Then I got told by mom that I should stop drawing and get doing math or science reading because drawing wasn't going to get me anywhere. It's difficult to be a parent. I mean I am not a parent but the way you act, what you say and your philosophy in life will greatly impact what your child would believe when he or she gets older or what he or she would do when they get older. I am getting older. I haven't faced life to the extreme yet. I haven't done the basics in life to help prepare for the future. When I was in high school I didn't know what I wanted to study when I was going to go to college. I didn't even know what college I wanted to go to. At first when I was in the last months of high school. I started thinking about what I wanted to study. I told my parents that I wanted to study psychology. I liked psychology. It was interesting to me and that wasn't the first time that I thought about being a psychologist. Plus in my psychology class I got the highest grade of all not only for that class but also for my economics class. So I was thinking about doing one of those things. I also thought about studying business. But my parents wouldn't let me study what I was interested in. The last thing in my mind was studying for something in the health field. They rejected all of the things that I wanted to major in so I purposed nursing. With the hope that they would say no. They said that that was a good major to study for, but I didn't feel a connection to nursing. Like sure its good that you are helping people or saving lives or whatever but I just don't know. It wasn't what my soul wanted to do for the rest of life.

   I don't feel like doing nursing for the rest of my life. I am now thinking about studying something else after I am done with nursing. Probably English or something that I think is cool. The funny thing is that I was considering med school before I felt this way. Before I noticed that I don't want to kill someone or something like that. Before I noticed that I had numbed myself for too long. That now I have to be free. That now I must choose in life. That now I am facing reality and emotions. I am having trouble writing, I feel bad like the back of my head hurts. I have switched my position. I am laying on my belly. Well, then I will tell you all something. Well I guess that had to wait a while. I was going to tell you all something yesterday but I believe that it will come up when the time is right. I want to get this post done today so I will. I have been leaving blogs saved to finish later, which is not good because then I loose the feel to what I was going to write about.

   Well, today Monday June 3, 2013. It was my first official day in CNA class. It was hard because we had to sit there from 8 AM to 3 PM. The teacher let us out early, our class was supposed to end at 5 PM so imagine that. I literally was falling asleep in class. I mean I have felt tired before in class but not to the point where my eyes were rolling to the back of my head to sleep. Perhaps because what he was talking about wasn't that interesting. It was mostly basic stuff, and we all had to sit there and listen to him. We got through about 5 chapters. I am not sure on how many but yea. It was not good. Then when he started talking about the hospital setting and skills, skills the things that we have to do that involve us actually using our bodies. That is when we all woke up. Well at least I. Ah, I was so sleepy. But now that I have drank soda, that is what is keeping me writing. Yesterday was Sunday. It was my aunts birthday. It was like every Sunday because we have been inviting my aunts and others over so it has been going on for a while this whole Sunday dinner thing. Well towards the end, like when everyone was going to leave in an hour or so, we decided to talk about school. I said that I didn't want to be a nurse. But this was when we were like half way done talking about that topic. Then my cousin the one that I thought was going to CSULB for nursing school actually quit that because her mom was forcing her to study that. Which was exactly what was happening to me. So now everyone is like okay you can study something else. But now that I wasted 3 years studying for it. Anyways I know why my parents want me to study nursing, that is because you have a guaranteed job. So I am just going to stick through this whole process, then when I am done I will study something else. I was thinking biochemistry or astrophysics. Guess which one is in demand. Yea, biochemistry. The hard degrees to get are in demand. But I'll see what will happen in the future.

   I don't know if I should write about the real revolver of my life, well one of the major pieces that come into play. I will leave that for later. Now for nursing I hope I like it a bit, it seems okay, but I'll make a better criticism when I finish the program, criticism on my behalf which doesn't account for everyone but just my point of view. So 3/4ths of my final grades are posted on my transcript right now. I got an A in chemistry, but got hit in the face by the C in physiology. Which in reality doesn't hurt my persona because well you know I am not passionate about that topic. Which was probably why I got that grade. Now I cannot apply to CSUF. I am thinking about just going to West Coast University (wcu) and hopefully transferring to CSULB. HOPEFULLY. Well then that is what happened. I have never gotten a C in a college course before so that physiology class was the first. My lab teacher in Physiology said that anatomy was the easiest, then microbiology then physiology. I thought that microbiology was going to be the hardest. But it wasn't. I mean I have no idea because I haven't taken that class yet. So I am just going to still apply for CSULB, WCU and I have no idea what other schools. But if I leave Orange County then I will have to work and get a roommate. So I don't know if I am ready for that transition. But we'll see in the future. Since Fall of 2014 I would be enrolled in a nursing program. Well then that is mostly all I have to say besides the fact that I am always a loner in small classes. I mean today the one person I met on the first day sat with someone else then told me to join them so I have no idea because I wasn't presented to the other person. And the person that I met on the first day wants to have lunch tomorrow. God help me because I have no idea how awkward that lunch is going to be with the other person that I don't know there but kept bumping into a lot. AH. Wish me luck guys I am going to try to finish the orientation for CSUF and then get some things ready for school tomorrow. Good luck to you guys in whatever it is you are trying to achieve.