If I had made my own choices. Who would I be at this point of time?

    Well, as always I am never able to study at home because everyone decides to blast their music out loud or the TV out loud. But you know what I hate even more than not being able to study? Not enjoying what I am studying. I don't hate the sciences, they are interesting but they don't fascinate me. How am I going to be a good nurse if I don't like what I am studying. That's like someone forcing their child to study to become a Doctor. If they don't like it then they are going to live their life in misery. Well that's the boat I am on. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a writer, or an astronomer, or even be in an orchestra. Those dreams were shot down when I was a kid because people would remind me that I wasn't good enough for them. I wasn't good at mathematics , not good at the sciences, not good at the arts, not good at reading music... not good at anything. So what in the world would I have to study if I am not good at anything? Of course, I would have to study what they want me to study. And that would have to be a mixture of everything that I am bad at. The sciences. Ugh what a pain. They are interesting, but they don't feed my inner being. For example, for us females it would be having a closet full of close you hate and having to wear them everyday. For males, well mmm it may be perhaps playing a very bad video game, and being forced to play the series. Well that is how nursing studies are for me, they suck. I have all these goals that are not fulfilling me. My whole life is a lie, the decisions have been made for me throughout. Being forced to study something that doesn't fulfill me, being baptized when I wasn't ready, dressing the way people want me to dress, acting the way people want me to act. Who am I? Really, who am I. If I had made my own decisions where would I be now? Who would I be now?

    Now that I have gotten that off my chest, it is back to reality. I haven't really told anyone what I wrote in the paragraph above. That's because I know people just judge you, and even though I have took hold of all those decisions that people made for me, they still talk shit and make you feel like it too. Sometimes I wish I had taken the rebellious route and made my own decisions, but I don't know who I would be now. I wouldn't have broken the law, I just would have been happy. The only decision that I have made in my life was to become a vegetarian, and of course they tried to destroy that. It pains me that my life is really not my own, but just made up of actions that others forced me into..... For that reason I long to find who I really am in the future. Although, I never really had a childhood I long for a good adult life, in hopes of finding who I really am, that is all I really desire.

     To walk alone... I have been doing it for so long. For it is better to walk alone than to walk with people who bring you down. I must not open up to anyone. Because if someone knew about this they'd tell everyone. I am just writing it here because you guys don't know who I am, and because of that you can't judge me. But those other people they can torture me because they think they know who I am, but its just an illusion that I put up, so that way they can see that they haven't had any effect on me.

    Sunday. I have two science exams back to back this week. Hooray *sarcastic voice* I have no idea in the world how I am going to be able to study or even get half of the studying done for my chemistry class which I haven't looked into. I guess I must go then, and "study" even though I can't focus on the reading or anything. Wish me luck for today I do a lot.