Fate

    Does fate exist? Is there a set point for who I become for the rest of my life? I feel so lost. I have been feeling this way for the longest time. Who the hell am I? I feel no pleasure in living life, I feel no excitement, no nothing. There is no point in living for me. I am just alive for the simple act of being alive. I get this way when I am stuck at home doing nothing. Like I wish I could get a my drivers license and get a car, that way I could go out. And no its not that kind of going out, like going to clubs and getting drunk or whatever people do. Not that kind of going out, the kind that I could go to school, and go out to eat by myself and whatever. Because I have no one to hang out with, no one to talk to when I am home except my family, but I don't know what to talk to them about. Today all I did was watch movies and eat, no wonder I'm fat. I am always bored on the weekends. I don't really like to go to school, because you know you have to listen in class really well and do lots of work. But I'd rather go to school everyday than being stuck at home without doing anything. Today I slept from 1 to 4, because I didn't get to sleep at night because I couldn't sleep. I am not feeling life. What kind of a way to live is this. I find no joy in anything that I do. My sister and I are planning to get a treadmill to resolve that problem of staying home all day on the weekends. I mean we are in the age that we are supposed to be hanging out with friends on the weekend or whatever. But I never really had a solid friend. My parents always found a way to isolate us from people when we were younger, so I guess that is what stuck till now. It kinda sucks and its kinda good in a way. It sucks because we lack social skills and because we are isolated. Its kinda good because we are not that close to people which means they wont be able to hurt us easily.

     Well, I basically hate my life at this point in time. I have nothing to do ever, except for homework of course. My life basically consists of school and doing nothing more but that. I guess one of the stepping stones to get myself out of this shit hole is to get my drivers license. I hate to drive because I have to drive two different cars, my moms Nissan and my dads van. Obviously they are both different to drive. I think I might take the driving exam this upcoming week, but nothing is set in stone. I have been saying that for the longest time, next week, next week and next week. But you know things happen and I don't have a car to drive on the day that I am off of school which is Fridays. But I just hope I learn to drive better and right. I think its the different shifts of cars that I drive, the brakes are different and everything. I hope to master both of the cars. But most of all I hope to get my own car because that way I wont have to shift between 2 different cars and I could drive myself and anyone who I have to take with me.

    I have nothing to do on the weekends, as I have stated before. To study is the only thing that I have to do, but I am tired of focusing on school. I am not a good student and I think that is because I don't have any motivation and because I am so tired of just thinking about school every single day. So then because I don't want to think of the stresses school gives, I get into bad habits. Bad habits of being alone all the time that make you resort to bad things like spending a lot of time watching tv shows online and just being online all day. Which might sound good to some people but it sucks. It sucks because you have no one to really talk to all you do is sit around and watch movies/tv shows, grow a belly and depress yourself because all you are doing is sitting or laying down and eating. You see nothing really comes from doing that, so that is why you  go into a depressed state. It sucks, I hope to get out of this state. That is why the first step is to master the driving skills needed to mobilize myself and to you know just have a damn car. Like today I needed to go to cal state Fullerton but both of my parents were at work so I couldn't go, unless I took the bus but I would have taken forever to get there. So yes if I had a car I would have been able to get out of the house for an hour or two. Then that would have been a good thing to revolve around for today.

    By getting my license and a car, I would be able to feel a bit better because then I wouldn't have to bother my parents to take my to and from school. They could relax and I could be independent. I really have to get shit done. For school which equals life in the future. The second stepping stone would be well a 2 in 1 deal, it would consist of me working out to loose weight and to get good grades. I am not doing so very well in physiology class. That class is very difficult. So, I guess I cant stay up to study because my mom is over her crying. Ugh, I hate how when my dad gets her mad she comes over here and releases her stress on us. FML seriously, it is impossible to be the perfect family because not one exists so shut up. This is why your kids turn into rebels you know. So don't imprint your stress on them for no reason. Well, I guess there is a reason for me to be put under stress and that is because I do everything wrong, and I am a shit daughter. Well I believe that for me to get out of this depression state I would need to change, meaning loose weight and get pretty. To get pretty is to loose weight, that would help me feel better because I feel more energetic when I work out like more endured.

    Well I was supposed to post this post yesterday well Friday and now it is Sunday. I was not busy in the form of doing studying or homework. Which I have to do more of. Like always the work will be left for the day before school starts. Lets hope I get the lesson done from physiology, memorize the lab notes for the quiz on Tuesday and do the lab for chemistry. I could probably get that all done in about 7 hours. It is going to be impossible to do that work at home, so I don't know what to do. So, ugh. I was going to try to memorize a bit of stuff for physio. but my mom is sleeping in the living room so I can't get anything done. Well, its not like I would have studied that much if she wasn't there. So once again I resort to doing my studying at school. But after working out for 3 hours on Thursday I feel very tired to do anything. I don't know what to do. How am I supposed to get straight A's if I can't even study well for my classes. I don't even know where to study. Ugh, I have to take it one day at a time then I will do more than doing nothing.

    I must go now. Yes, the way out of depression is by being more social and by going out like I did today. I went out with my bro and sis, to go out to eat for a bit and then I went to see my aunt, my other aunt came also so that was good. My aunt she seems okay at times but at other times she breaks. So I must pray for her. Well, goodnight hopefully I get some sleep tonight.

Insomnia

     It's 5:38 AM, and I haven't slept all night. The damn coffee that I took at the party today; although a little made a very big impact on my sleep. I have to wake up at 8:30 AM today. And I am wide awake. I guess I am going to buy an energy drink. I think I'm feeling kinda sleepy. Man that coffee kept me up! Well my family and I didn't get to go to the baptism but we went to the get together. Which was okay, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. We met the baby, met my new uncle (he's British by the way). Hopefully we could have more get together's, just because I haven't seen the family like that in decades. Sunday. I think I found the cure to my depression, its socializing with people. Perhaps its because I'm always stuck in my room or at school. You know I am isolated. So socializing is the way to go. 

    Leave it to the morning sun. To hit my face. To wake me up. To feel its warmth slowly growing on my soul. To let the day begin...What a way to be risen. From the sleepless night to the new day, a new beginning. a new chance to achieve what we want. And to live and love.

   There is a little something I wrote while listening to Clair de Lune by Debussy, while looking out the window. God so help me that I don'f fall asleep in class today. Although I stayed up all night I did get a little bit of studying done. I shall continue to study after I'm done writing. Oh and I finished watching Parade's End. It was great. Absolutely, wonderful. The plot was what looked like the late 1900's and early 2000's. It was a love story, like a love triangle. All of the actors were great. I believe it was a show for the mind. Here's a photo: 

    I am now listening to my favorite Beethoven Symphony: Symphony 7. Its lovely. I sometimes wish I was born back then. The music the clothing ugh! Wonderful! I can't believe I'm not sleepy. Besides the coffee I drank yesterday! I think it was also that I ate a lot of sugar. That is what I think kept me up. But yea, lets see how the day goes. Because today is my long day and I have an exam so I am kinda freaking out. But not really. I am going to have to drink more coffee. The day looks absolutely beautiful. It reminds me of the U.K. birds chirping and a great symphony to listen to. I guess yesterday wasn't that bad. I hope to go to the U.K. soon it was very peaceful over there. I must go now, I have to study and you know make my coffee. I think I get my chemistry test results back today. Hopefully I got an A. I need to get A's in everything! Well, let the day be great for you all. Good luck and stay awake.    

When?

    Today. Another day goes by and I am still left with the same question. Who am I? It's quite sad to, because your emotions, experiences, your moments in life define who you are. Unfortunately, I lack all of these that I listed. I have no emotions. Sure I might feel a little down sometimes but, its not like how I used to feel sad back when I was younger. I lack the passion, the extreme emotions that I had when I was a kid. Basically, my heart is dying. Experiences, those that you have with friends, family, and people that you love. Well, all I've got is my family. But its just them. You know we don't even go out. I'm serious. All we do is go to school and home. My parents just go to work and home. But there is nothing we really do. That is it, home, school or work. Even on vacation. That is all we do. I guess I shouldn't complain much about that. I mean my family and I have been isolated from society for as long as I could remember. I don't know if that's a good thing though. I mean sure we don't get hurt by other people (at least not face to face). But I feel like I am not living. And that hurts badly. Moments in life, graduation, birthday parties, traveling to places and other social/personal moments. Well, those moments do happen but they don't feel like they are happening. For example, I graduated high school in 2010. All I did was walk, I didn't feel much, my family (meaning mom, dad, and siblings) were the only ones who went to my graduation. That's how alone we are in the world. I mean sure we have the extended family consisting of aunts, uncles, cousins and ect. But I never could recall sharing a special moment with them. And I guess that kinda hurts you know. I never really had a childhood, my parents wouldn't let me hang out with my friends. Even when we were in high school there was not a moment that I could just go out on the weekend and hang out you know, not get high or whatever but just talk and have fun. And I guess that stuck to me till this day. Because I am in college, its hard to keep those friends around because you know you have them for one class then they are gone, but I do have some of those friends on Facebook. They all look happy, which is great.

    When growing up, as everyone, I too was overwhelmed with bad emotions. Until one day, I decided that I didn't want to get hurt anymore. That, I didn't want to feel pain, sadness, or anger.  So I made a decision; that I will block all these emotions from entering my heart and soul. And that is just what I did.
     At first it was great, but then you start to loose feel. I wanted to hold onto the "good" in my life but then I realized that no good comes from not being able to feel the bad. From feeling the bad you know what happiness is like, because you know what it feels like to be down.
      By taking the route I chose You slowly begin to feel empty. Day by day, you will having nothing to look forward to... and do you know why? Because you have nothing to hold onto. But where does this the emotion "happiness" come from? I comes from feeling pain and sadness. Not being able to feel these, leads to not being able to feel happiness. But most importantly without having emotions you lose the motivation to fight for something. Because without pain or suffering, you do not get hope. Without feeling sadness you do not get to feel happiness.Without being able to feel is not the way to get by. And although it gets really bad sometimes at least after the storm you get to feel happy because the worst is over. So life. Life, is just what I have given up on.

     Tomorrow, Sunday we were invited to a party. A baptism of my "cousins" son. The reason I use " " is because I don't even really know who the hell she is. I only met her once but that was when I was five. So no I do not want to go to your baptism, because I don't know you.

   Well, I must go. I hope to find my will to live someday. What my purpose is. I feel alone all the time. I have no one to get me by. No one. I haven't gotten to the point where I want to commit suicide. Well, when I was a teen I almost did. But then I took that route I told you guys about, blocking emotions. I just really really really hope that I get the ability to feel emotions again. Because by blocking out all the bad, nothing good comes. I really hope that I get to live a happy, full of passion for everything I do life. But now you guys know what without feeling the bad, you cant feel the good. So hold in there my friends. The storm will pass. And you will feel free at the end. For now though I have no idea how I am going to get by. I hope for hope. For inspiration and for the willingness to fight and to make it through! But how will I acquire these emotions if I cant feel anything. It sucks. Cause I dont feel scared or nothing so how am I going to get out of this funk? Perhaps its just all about fighting without me feeling a purpose to do so. But that is really hard. Oh well. Nothing good ever came that easy.

Here's a picture of Ben. Cumberbatch, ugh isn't he cute. : )

If I had made my own choices. Who would I be at this point of time?

    Well, as always I am never able to study at home because everyone decides to blast their music out loud or the TV out loud. But you know what I hate even more than not being able to study? Not enjoying what I am studying. I don't hate the sciences, they are interesting but they don't fascinate me. How am I going to be a good nurse if I don't like what I am studying. That's like someone forcing their child to study to become a Doctor. If they don't like it then they are going to live their life in misery. Well that's the boat I am on. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a writer, or an astronomer, or even be in an orchestra. Those dreams were shot down when I was a kid because people would remind me that I wasn't good enough for them. I wasn't good at mathematics , not good at the sciences, not good at the arts, not good at reading music... not good at anything. So what in the world would I have to study if I am not good at anything? Of course, I would have to study what they want me to study. And that would have to be a mixture of everything that I am bad at. The sciences. Ugh what a pain. They are interesting, but they don't feed my inner being. For example, for us females it would be having a closet full of close you hate and having to wear them everyday. For males, well mmm it may be perhaps playing a very bad video game, and being forced to play the series. Well that is how nursing studies are for me, they suck. I have all these goals that are not fulfilling me. My whole life is a lie, the decisions have been made for me throughout. Being forced to study something that doesn't fulfill me, being baptized when I wasn't ready, dressing the way people want me to dress, acting the way people want me to act. Who am I? Really, who am I. If I had made my own decisions where would I be now? Who would I be now?

    Now that I have gotten that off my chest, it is back to reality. I haven't really told anyone what I wrote in the paragraph above. That's because I know people just judge you, and even though I have took hold of all those decisions that people made for me, they still talk shit and make you feel like it too. Sometimes I wish I had taken the rebellious route and made my own decisions, but I don't know who I would be now. I wouldn't have broken the law, I just would have been happy. The only decision that I have made in my life was to become a vegetarian, and of course they tried to destroy that. It pains me that my life is really not my own, but just made up of actions that others forced me into..... For that reason I long to find who I really am in the future. Although, I never really had a childhood I long for a good adult life, in hopes of finding who I really am, that is all I really desire.

     To walk alone... I have been doing it for so long. For it is better to walk alone than to walk with people who bring you down. I must not open up to anyone. Because if someone knew about this they'd tell everyone. I am just writing it here because you guys don't know who I am, and because of that you can't judge me. But those other people they can torture me because they think they know who I am, but its just an illusion that I put up, so that way they can see that they haven't had any effect on me.

    Sunday. I have two science exams back to back this week. Hooray *sarcastic voice* I have no idea in the world how I am going to be able to study or even get half of the studying done for my chemistry class which I haven't looked into. I guess I must go then, and "study" even though I can't focus on the reading or anything. Wish me luck for today I do a lot.