Tomorrow I start school. I'm not sure how I feel about this, the whole college experience was not what I imagined it to be when I was younger. Since I still don't have my drivers licence I will have to take the bus to school tomorrow. But at least I don't have to wake up early to get to school because I start school at 1 pm. The down fall is that even though I start at 1 I get out at 10! So I am basically at school all day. The chemistry class that I am taking is going to be long. I hope I get an A in all my classes. I will try hard this semester to achieve what I want and what I need. College is very difficult, I see why people look greatly at those who have a college degree. As for school starting this week I also have to take the driving test this upcoming Friday. Not sure how I feel about that, well I could say I feel a bit scared because I don't know if I will get nervous in the car with a person seeing how I drive. I could only beg for mercy from God as I did when I took the written exam, mercy to get me through the exam with a passing score. The thing is that I haven't been a good person. I feel alone, so sad, and I really don't know whats happening to me. I used to be a happy person but in the inside I have always felt alone and sad. I am good at hiding what I feel. But sometimes it overwhelms me that I have to break down in the middle of the night while everyone is asleep. Just cry and then wake up the next day with another fake "I am okay face". I hope I could feel something in this world, I think I have blocked myself from feeling emotions. I believe that I should just focus on positive things. But some of the people that surround me bring me down. My "friend" always says that I am stupid and ugly and what not. I don't know how to block her from getting into my head. I should block her like I blocked my self from feeling emotions. I don't know where to get my motivation this semester I believe that that is what I am lacking is motivation. I don't have anything to motivate me like why am I even studying to become a Nurse? Why am I alive?! This is killing me, I hate not being successful in what I am supposed to be good in. Therefore I shall try. I hope I get strength from somewhere. For I know not what I am supposed to look forward to. Please let me be successful, I am supposed to be excellent at the sciences, mathematics and English.
School. I start you tomorrow, please dear Lord let me pass this semester with the A's that I need to get. Please don't let me fall, but give me strength to push through these hard classes that I have. Let me learn and help me know that you are the only one that is my true friend. I know you will help me with what I do because you are the one that is helping me to hold on the the little shred of life that I have left. Let me become the person that I dream of becoming, let me be smart, generous, kind and compassionate. Let me help my parents let them be proud of the person that I will become when you help me. I am not a human, yet. It kills me that I have no purpose. Sometimes I think I should kill myself because I am not useful for anything. I am not a 4.0 student, not a good servant of yours, not a good daughter, not a good sibling, not a good person, not a good friend, not a good student, not a perfect person, not anything. But I ask to please turn my life around... You know what just leave me here. I deserve this living hell. This punishment I deserve. I deserve it because of all the wrong that I have done. I just hope to get motivation, strength and the passion that it takes to get through. Just give me that and I will be whole. I will get through and I will succeed.
I have no one. Nothing. I have no hope, no long for the future. I don't know what I am living for. I beg to have hope, hope is what I need. I hope to get it and to do well this semester. I'll let you guys know how my first day goes. I always feel weird the first day. I am at a different school this semester. So I hope that it goes well. I feel better now that I let my emotions out. I feel positive now. Perhaps the prayer I wrote is working. So that is good. Oh and dear Lord please let my aunt fight the cancer. I know she'll make it through if you help her and are with her. So please help her. Thank you.
I wish you all are doing well this Sunday night. As for me, I am going to do some yoga perhaps and listen to some calming music. I hope this semester is all that I want it to be. Goodnight.
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