In the first transition?

     Well let me start off by saying that my gosh I need to be more focused while driving I hate how I have to drive two different cars when I get to or from school. But yea you know I just hope that I am able to pass the behind the wheel driving exam on Friday. I am terrified because you know its, I can't explain it. Well I guess its because you have someone checking your every move. So I am going to keep praying to become a better driver as well as for my aunt so her cancer can be removed. I am kinda terrified still because you know the driving exam ugh I suck at driving and imagine if I do a wrong turn or something wrong. I hate doing turns because well the car has to be held more in control. I just hope I pass. I'm not sure if I should take the exam this Friday or next week's Friday. I just need to get my licence and a car because I am in school forever like from 11:40 AM to 10:00 PM. That's twice a week. I don't know what I need to change because when I went to take my bros to school like 3 weeks ago, man I sucked at driving. I hope to get better. So the question is should I take the exam this week or next. I don't know how I feel I guess its just about driving to different places instead of to school and then the route to go home. Which are the same but you know a bit different because there is this weird curve that I have to do that goes up hill and its a double lane curve, I have to take the innermost lane because if I don't then I'd have to switch lanes. But yea I think its just that I have to expand my driving map. So I guess that is what I am going to do on Thursday. Lets see what other route there is to get home. Oh yes the freeway ugh. I don't know.

     Anyways I got accepted into CSUF, like last week I believe. So that is good. Finally gonna make the transition from college to university. And I have to make a lot of calls tomorrow, to Summit college, to the hospital and to the university. Tomorrow is my long day at school you know when I stay in school from 11: 40ish AMto 10 PM, which is exactly why I need and want a car. To get moving. Plus when I am done with the CNA program in the summer, I am going to get a job and then you know gonna have to drive to the job and school. So yes I need a car very badly. But even more than a car I need a drivers licence first. Hahha, you guys I have a history exam tomorrow but instead I am writing here. Haha, I don't want to study for that class plus I have that drivers exam on Friday, and next week I have a physiology and chemistry exam. So I am a little stressed out. And I don't have the history book to read, but I found it on google books, so that is good, not the whole book though, it has some pages missing. But I'll just look up the other information through google onto wiki.

    Well, I guess I must be going now. I am going to have to be up early on Friday, to get a test drive and well I guess if I get up early tomorrow I could take a practice drive to my bros school you know just to practice and see how I do since its a different route and yea. Plus I plan to get up at 6 AM to study so yes I think I'll be up to take them to school if they decide not to walk. Ah, well I am off to study. Wish my luck guys. Good luck to you guys as well and goodnight.

Who am I?

    Who am I? What is my purpose in life? Are some questions that I and others share in common. But really what are we doing here, we live. Then we grow up and work at a job that we hate then we die. There's got to be more than this to life. Well, I know I am a shit daughter, friend, sister and whatever my relationship is to people. I don't know about my life. Its like you know I've got nothing going on. No friends, well at least not the type of friends that take me out to have fun, and no I don't mean going to clubs or whatever people do. I mean to watch a movie, eat, hang out, go to the beach or whatever. I am alone. It sometimes gets to me. Like when I look outside and I realize the sun is out then in a short period of time darkness falls. Then I realize I have done nothing today, absolutely nothing. Like what the hell! Life ends its not like we are here forever. I've got to get to do something everyday. Instead of sitting and staring at my computer. Ugh the worse thing is that it really doesn't bother me anymore like it used to. I mean during the break I was going insane by being in solitary. But now its like life, just being here, on my computer even though I should be reading and studying for exams coming up. I will read after I am done writing on here. But yea, it kinda sucks being alone. I mean school is an exit but the weekend comes and I am back where I started. I mean I've always dream't of traveling the world, and having adventures, exploring, meeting new people. But no, I am stuck in this room away from all of that. I have got to get up and do something. You know change my life. From the one I have to the one that I want to have. So here are a couple of things that I will do in a short period of time.... first, this upcoming week I am going to take my driving test. Which I am scared to do because well I suck at turning, but my Dad said to go to the speed that we have to go not the speed at which traffic is going. So I'm gonna keep that in mind and do it. I am kinda nervous to drive I have to tell you because well you know you have to be extremely focused and all, but you know its do-able. So I just hope everything goes well this Friday when I go and take it.

     Yesterday, Friday I went to Summit College for the CNA program and well they made me take a test that I wasn't prepared for so I got scared. But I passed. The program supposedly financial aid cant help you because its short, but how come they cant I have to ask because you know its 6 weeks but its $1,550 or so, so they should help. Anyway I've got to make an appointment to meet with the financial aid person at the school. But at least I got in, plus I need to take that course because that would give me experience in the health field and I would get a job. I can't wait till this semester is over because after this semester everything is gonna go by fast. Like I will take the CNA program in the summer and then University! I cant wait to attend University because its a different air than College. Plus those people that I want to get away from wont be there woohooo! I  don't know why some people like to hurt me, like what have I ever done to you, nothing. Anyways, I have to read for physiology class, since I am behind in that class. Its a lot of reading but to understand what is being taught I have to read. Ugh, well I am probably gonna stay up and read as much as I could. So when I went to Summit they made me write a list of what my goals are so I will get motivated and keep it like a map so I will write it here on my blog:
                                  - Get straight A's/ good grades
                                  - Graduate from Fullerton College in the Fall of '13
                                  - Get my CNA certificate in the Summer
                                  - Get a job as a CNA
                                  - Get accepted into an RN program in the Fall of '14
                                  - Graduate as an RN
                                  - Travel
Well there is my list. I'ts great hu? : ) I think I might print it out and hang it on my wall for motivation.

     Well, there it is. Once this year is over and my goals are completed I will have the life that I want. And I don't want to stop there, these are just my goals for this year 2013 - 2014. I still want to get my masters in nursing and what not. I guess I must go and pursue these goals, so I am handing my laptop to my brother so I could read. I hope all is well with you guys. Goodnight.

Things... Well I just have to get the Hang of them.

    Today well, it was okay I guess. Better than other days but now school is starting to get tough because the exams are coming up. I got a 20/25 in my chemistry quiz, not good because I could only miss 100 points in that class to get an A. So I am going to stay after school for a couple of hours to get help on things that I am not sure about and to study. Also I have been working out and eating a bit better, so that is helping my health and yea. I don't know how I am able to stay up this late and wake up early, its weird. I am going to be so dead tomorrow in Physiology lecture. I'm just gonna drink tea and have a good breakfast that will keep me alert for tomorrow, since I am behind I have to go to school early so I have to leave the house at about 8:30 AM to get there in time for SI (supplemental instruction) like tutoring. So yea that's gonna be something. Its almost midnight here ugh I don't know how I am going to be tomorrow. But at least I don't have school on Friday. But yea I have to catch up so this weekend I am going to try to memorize everything and read a lot to enforce my memory on the subject. Wish me luck guys.

    So about the change of life now, we are going to start going to church on Sundays. Before we used to go to every service, but its a start you know. I hope going to church will have a different influence on us. You know to get us out of the house and help us spiritually. I don't know if my aunt will be able to make it every Sunday. But I understand her circumstance. I'll keep praying for her, she'll get better.

I've also got to change myself. Man its harder than it looks trust me. Changing yourself, ugh I have to try though so yea. I need to change. Get better, be better you know thats what I need to do.

    I do hope things get better, with me, my aunt, my family, with everyone. Well I am getting very tired its midnight already. I've been at school the whole day so yes. I guess I'm gonna go to sleep now. Good luck to you guys and goodnight.

Are we gonna be Alright?

   I haven't blogged for a while. But that's because I'm not interesting, nor do interesting things happen to me. I have told you guys about the condition my aunt is in. Stage four cancer. It sucks because she got her CNA degree, and a house nursing degree. Which is great because my parents had it hard when they were growing up as my aunt did. So getting a degree means a lot, as it always does. Then she was diagnosed with cancer. But I just found out that she knew about it for a long time, and the doctor treating her was lagging her treatment and he made a mistake when he performed surgery on her, so I am wondering why they didn't leave that doctor and asked for another. Well today we went to church, which we haven't gone to for a couple of years. The pastor prayed for her and now I know everything is going to be alright with her, because I know good things happen if you go to church and if you ask with all your heart when you pray for what you need. Despite what the doctor has said, I know that she could get out of the state that she is in. Shes gonna make it!!!

    Since we all know that things happen for a reason, perhaps what happened to my aunt was a sign that we my family as in cousins and aunts ect. should be together more. Ever since I could remember we were always distant, I mean I don't even know one of my cousins. The cousin that I have only met once, once was when I was really young that I can't even remember. I think I was about five years old. Well I haven't seen her since. But now with my aunts condition everyone always gets together to eat or just talk which I haven't seen since I was young. I do believe that the distance is what kills, and what makes bad things happen. I mean I could imagine one day all of my family at my house in England where I want to live just having a good time, eating, cracking jokes, just living in harmony. That's what I want, everyone to be happy. It's been years since we've all had a dinner together. Plus, today my cousin told my sister that we should go to church every Sunday. Which is good I am glad she liked the service and that she wants to go back. Perhaps she would engage with the church. Which will also help the situation of my family and I about not attending for a while.

    Things with school are going okay, but I have to perfect it. I also need to practice how to drive more, I don't know why my mind is elsewhere when I am driving instead of focusing on the road. Which I have to change that, not only is it essential for driving but for life too. So I need to practice a lot that way I could get a car and move myself. My gosh I suck at driving, I have to practice more, hopefully I get better which I have to. Also hopefully the honda that I want is an easy drive for me. I am just terrified of taking the driving exam, I mean what if I fail, I don't want to take it again I want to pass the first time. I hope that I do. I guess the last Friday of this month is when I might take the exam. The last day of this month is a Thursday but I'll probably take it not this week but next week on Friday. Wish me luck. I am very scared. I just hate how I am not focused its like I want to be but something doesn't allow me to be. Isn't that weird? I will overcome that though. I want the best in life, like anyone else would want. Its hard though having everything perfect. But I'll try. I have to try harder. Well its a good thing we don't have school tomorrow I'll do work tomorrow. I am going to go now I hope everything goes well with all.

I know somewhat what to Do

     So today was alright, it hailed over here in California which I haven't seen in 6 years. I have been listening to my favorite classical music. And well have concluded that I want to be happy. You know life is short and all. I want to fall in love, and live the life I have imagined. I am just stuck in a dark place right now you know. But I think once this semester is over I'll be free. I am just tired of that one "friend" who always wants to do what I am doing. Sometimes shes cool but most of the time I don't know. But I already know not to trust anyone. Unless they prove themselves trustworthy. That doesn't mean that I will not talk to them or hate them until they do prove themselves it just means you won't be a close person to me. Well right now today I found this one song that I have been looking for for a couple of years. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=h_yNv0J0A9g < this is the link. Its a great song. I also watched a film with Ethan Hawk in it, a romance film which took place in Vienna. A lovely place which I hope to visit.

    On the topic of travel. I want to go to Europe so badly next year because this year my parents have said that we are going to Las Vegas and Mexico. But since I am finishing school early so I get the spring '14 semester all to my self including the summer. So in the spring I hope to go to Europe, I am not sure what part of Europe but somewhere. Perhaps Vienna or Amsterdam. But we'll see then. I don't mind going alone to Europe but I am sure that my parents won't let me. I want to go to Paris again. What a beautiful city that was, it was truly magical when I went, there was something magical in the air over there which is why I want to move to Europe when I am done with school. That is a goal that I hope to achieve, that I will achieve. My future, I want it all, the love, the travel, the perfect house, the perfect family, the perfect husband, the perfect job, everything. So I am excited for the future. I am also a bit scared because you can't be certain what will happen you could only hope and try to steer your future into the way you want it to be. So I will do that.

     About driving, my word I am not good. I will continue to practice though and hopefully which is essential I will get my drivers licence. I have so many things to do and I am not even doing any of them. My hands are cold I would type faster but my fingers are freezing. When is it gonna get better over here in Cali. I do like the cold weather but not during the night. I wish I would play a stringed instrument like the violin, viola or cello. I will take a class to learn how to play the violin in the fall, so I am very excited for that to come up. I also hope to be better at guitar and piano. Ah! I have to read for physiology and do my chemistry homework. I need to get those A's so I must redeem myself completely. God help me, even though I deserve nothing no life nothing. I do hope to loose weight this year my goal is 30 lbs, that way I could fit in my old clothing and into the cute skirts and dresses that I am going to buy, Ah! I also have to get braces. I don't want to maybe it will hurt. I also need to get contacts that way I don't have to carry my glasses everywhere in Europe and where else I go. I do hope to become a better person but a lot of things keep getting in my way, and we all know that I am weak, so I fall fast in temptation, so therefore I think I need to start going to church again and get a support group there which would be the church of course. But the church has a lot of drama that comes along with it that's why I am a little hesitant towards attending. After all I do have a lot to fill if I do attend. So loosing weight, getting my teeth straight, my hair pretty, my contacts and getting my drives licence would put me in a good position when or if I do return. Which I know that I will see them again. Its a long story about the whole church situation, basically you have to be perfect not only physically but personally. Then they won't have much to grab you buy but they still will talk.

    So in order to accomplish what I have stated I will have to put my mind to work, not only do the want what I have listed but they also care about what school you are going to, if you work, and how your grades are. Being a well rounded person is not easy. But I am trying to become that person. So I shall study hard and get the good grades, I shall practice driving more to get my car and drivers licence, I shall do that CNA program to get a job, I shall attend CSUF in the fall to be at a good school, I shall enroll in that violin class in the fall to do my wish and I shall continue to work out to loose weight. I think the problem about loosing weight is that you are not persistent so I need to be persistent in working out and I also have to stop eating late and staying up late, and getting all stressed out. So I guess I will work out all 4 days of school and do yoga on Fridays and do some sit ups. I just have to have my future in mind, so that will motivate me to getting to my goals. I guess I should either go to sleep now or read for my physio class. But I don't want to do neither the cold gets in the way of both. Lets see what happens. Oh my a guy that I have somewhat a crush on just IMed m on facebook ooo. I'll see you guys later.

What do You Know... I'ts getting better.

    Today well I went to school only to find that my history class had been canceled. So I stayed waiting 6 hours for my chemistry class to start. What a wait I tell you, I read, I ate my lunch and did some work. I have heard people say that if you have positive thinking and tell yourself that this is going to be a good day. Well it turns out to be. Today I said to myself that it will be a good day and that nothing could ruin it. Even though my history class got cancelled it was an okay day. Better than the previous school days. I still have to have a little push you know to motivate me which I got today :) So that is good. I am in the process of starting to fight to get those A's in the sciences. So lets hope that I could be able to. I am going to try my very best. And I will succeed. On another note well I got some money today. Too bad that bill has to be payed with my money ugh but that's what happens when you get sick. Well I also have no idea what happened to me yesterday. Why was I so depressed, what a scary feeling. My sister wants to study to become a Medical Assistant. Which is awesome she will get good pay. Oh and did I mention that she already has a job. I can't remember, I have bad memory. Well she is doing good and I am proud of her. My mom is working with her that is how my sis. got the job. I don't know if I should stay up and wait for them to get home. They get here about a little over midnight.

     Life moves fast, I hope to get a lot done this year. And I also really hope to get a 95% on that TEAS test, and of course ace everything that comes in between. Oh and I have to go this Friday to Summit College to reserve a seat in the CNA program that they offer. I also thought about taking chemistry 101 over again just cause I am more familiar this time and I could take it in the summer. But I will have to ask Long Beach if I would get credit. I think I have to go this semester to their seminar. But I would have to check on that, because I don't have time to waste. Let's also hope that I get into Long Beach State by getting the percentage's and grades that I have said before. If not I am fine by going to Fullerton or transferring to Long Beach through West Coast. But of course I want to go there as a Freshman.

    I am a lacto-ovo vegetarian now. I need the protein and the stuff that egg contains because I am having trouble getting those vitamins. I really hope that everything keeps going how it is going. I am going to physiology class tomorrow, that class is so hard. Everything about it is hard. But I think I could do it, its just going to take a lot of time and dedication into those 2 science classes. Plus I have to know physiology very well because I heard that there is physiology in that TEAS test. I guess I should change my clothing now. I get out of chemistry at 10 pm, so that's why I am up at this time. But I should really go to sleep because yesterday I went to sleep late too and today at school I almost fell asleep. I wish everything is well with all of you and I guess I learned something today that keeping a positive mind is essential to life and success.

And then Reality Hits

     Perhaps depression has hit me. I mean the symptoms are here. I don't know what to do about that I just feel like I need someone. I know, I know I always say that just feeling alone. What a feeling. I feel weird you know like I always make friends with my college professors, which is weird right. That's the only friendship I have haha. How weird. I wish they were actually my friends, they all are awesome. I don't know what it is with people older than me its like we have a connection. It has always been this way since I was young. Well enough of that, it was my second day at school today. I should probably be memorizing all the notes that I took. But I don't know I have this pulling sensation in my soul. Telling me to sleep, I don't know what that is. I feel tired all the time, depressed. When is this feeling going to end. When will I live. When will I feel.

    School as always was weird. I feel that everyone there has something keeping them comfort. I don't know what to do with my life. I just feel like a failure all the time. Hopefully I get my drivers licence I haven't practiced that much so lets see. Hopefully he becomes my friend. Tired. Alone nothing to look forward to, not good at anything and no purpose. I don't know what I need. A friend, a boyfriend a what?! Just someone who would comfort me as I will to them. I'm tired of putting on a good face, like I am okay I am not. In fact I'm dying inside. I try to be happy, to find happiness. But where from what? where would I find that.

     I just hope to be a good Nurse, Student, daughter and sister. Then I would achieve happiness. My sister got a job yesterday which is great. Now I have to advance, which means drivers licence and straight A's, a boyfriend would be nice, but yet again I am not a looker. I just hope this semester and year are all what I hope it to be. My goal would be to get A's in everything and as well as to get my drivers licence. I need to practice though to get my head straight and focused. Well time to get stuff ready for school, I feel bad every time that I am there I don't know why.

Not Sad just Lonely and Tired

     Tomorrow I start school. I'm not sure how I feel about this, the whole college experience was not what I imagined it to be when I was younger. Since I still don't have my drivers licence I will have to take the bus to school tomorrow. But at least I don't have to wake up early to get to school because I start school at 1 pm. The down fall is that even though I start at 1 I get out at 10! So I am basically at school all day. The chemistry class that I am taking is going to be long. I hope I get an A in all my classes. I will try hard this semester to achieve what I want and what I need. College is very difficult, I see why people look greatly at those who have a college degree. As for school starting this week I also have to take the driving test this upcoming Friday. Not sure how I feel about that, well I could say I feel a bit scared because I don't know if I will get nervous in the car with a person seeing how I drive. I could only beg for mercy from God as I did when I took the written exam, mercy to get me through the exam with a passing score. The thing is that I haven't been a good person. I feel alone, so sad, and I really don't know whats happening to me. I used to be a happy person but in the inside I have always felt alone and sad. I am good at hiding what I feel. But sometimes it overwhelms me that I have to break down in the middle of the night while everyone is asleep. Just cry and then wake up the next day with another fake "I am okay face". I hope I could feel something in this world, I think I have blocked myself from feeling emotions. I believe that I should just focus on positive things. But some of the people that surround me bring me down. My "friend" always says that I am stupid and ugly and what not. I don't know how to block her from getting into my head. I should block her like I blocked my self from feeling emotions. I don't know where to get my motivation this semester I believe that that is what I am lacking is motivation. I don't have anything to motivate me like why am I even studying to become a Nurse? Why am I alive?! This is killing me, I hate not being successful in what I am supposed to be good in. Therefore I shall try. I hope I get strength from somewhere. For I know not what I am supposed to look forward to. Please let me be successful, I am supposed to be excellent at the sciences, mathematics and English. 

    School. I start you tomorrow, please dear Lord let me pass this semester with the A's that I need to get. Please don't let me fall, but give me strength to push through these hard classes that I have. Let me learn and help me know that you are the only one that is my true friend. I know you will help me with what I do because you are the one that is helping me to hold on the the little shred of life that I have left. Let me become the person that I dream of becoming, let me be smart, generous, kind and compassionate. Let me help my parents let them be proud of the person that I will become when you help me. I am not a human, yet. It kills me that I have no purpose. Sometimes I think I should kill myself because I am not useful for anything. I am not a 4.0 student, not a good servant of yours, not a good daughter, not a good sibling, not a good person, not a good friend, not a good student, not a perfect person, not anything. But I ask to please turn my life around... You know what just leave me here. I deserve this living hell. This punishment I deserve. I deserve it because of all the wrong that I have done. I just hope to get motivation, strength and the passion that it takes to get through. Just give me that and I will be whole. I will get through and I will succeed. 

   I have no one. Nothing. I have no hope, no long for the future. I don't know what I am living for. I beg to have hope, hope is what I need. I hope to get it and to do well this semester. I'll let you guys know how my first day goes. I always feel weird the first day. I am at a different school this semester. So I hope that it goes well. I feel better now that I let my emotions out. I feel positive now. Perhaps the prayer I wrote is working. So that is good. Oh and dear Lord please let my aunt fight the cancer. I know she'll make it through if you help her and are with her. So please help her. Thank you. 

    I wish you all are doing well this Sunday night. As for me, I am going to do some yoga perhaps and listen to some calming music. I hope this semester is all that I want it to be. Goodnight. 

Allons-y!

    This past week I came down with a fever and a bad cold. Only this would happen to me; with starting school on Monday I have to be focused. I have to change this semester. I have to get straight A's to even be considered for application to CSULB. I'm going to study really hard. I have to get a 95% on the TEAS exam and a 100% on the math assessment. To get into the school. I keep getting a weird feeling I don't know what it is. I hope that my sickness goes away by tomorrow. I also hope that I get my drivers licence on Friday!!!!! I can't wait. That way I could drive myself and everyone else where they need to be. I also cannot wait till the summer we are going to Las Vegas! It's going to be great because we might stay at the Luxor in Vegas. I also like going to Vegas because we go to a restaurant in the New Orleans hotel, I'm not sure of the name, but I do know that it has the word french in it. Plus my aunt and my cousin are going with us. So its going to be fun.

    I've been drinking lots of medicine and water to fight my sickness, I really hope to get better by Sunday. That way I could be ready for school. I have to be strong this semester and all the semesters of school and all the schooling that I would do in the future. I do plan on getting a masters in Nursing. I can't wait to graduate from Fullerton College this fall. I do hope that I could take the microbiology class at CSUF and still graduate from the college. I cant wait to attend university, I've been watching videos of the school, its a big school which is great. About the Nursing program I've been giving lots of thought about the 3 to 4 schools that I will apply to. CSUF, CSULB, WCU and a college, perhaps cypress or another school. I think I have a good plan about getting into CSULB, and of course like always it would take a lot of work. The 95%, 100% and the straight A's that I have to get to be considered. I hope to God that I can be able to get that. I've been having a lot of headaches. I think its because I am always on my laptop, like seriously all day. But with school coming up, I will be in school all day. Therefore having a drivers licence would be most essential.

    I have also been giving thought to where my headaches come from. Sure it may be the fact that I am always on my laptop or it may be that my glasses give me the headaches or it may be stress. I do think that all these reasons are why I am getting the headaches. So to get rid of the headaches I will do yoga every week, twice a week because school is going to be very stressful. I just have to get something to motivate me. I believe because I lacked motivation is why I got a B in my chemistry class. Oh God help me get these A's let my dreams come true! Now that I will have my future to motivate me I feel like I lack a friend. Like I have said before. I want someone that I could tell what has been happening in my life, the good and the bad. So to make up for the lack of a friend I have made this blog. It serves good though. I could get my emotions out and write in my blog how my life has been going.

    The weather is nice here in California. We have a grey sky right now, and its not that cold out. Having this type of weather here makes me wish more that I were in England. England is where I long to live. I visited England when I was 15. It was beautiful. As for travel, this year my family and I are planning on going to Las Vegas in the summer, as I stated earlier. Also in the winter in December my mom says we are going to Mexico to visit my grandma and my aunts and uncles and cousins that I have never met before but am aware of their existence. So I do hope that we get to go the all the places that I have stated. I am starting to get sick of being in California, well just in the city that I am in. I mean we humans need to travel. To see places. To explore. To live. That is what the soul needs. I long to go to the forest. I have been wanting to go so hopefully I get to go soon.

   Well, I must get ready, I am going to the store to buy food for the semester. I hope you all are doing well. My best wishes go out to everyone, lets make this a good year.