Emotions

   Hello everyone. Well I guess the job that I have is a on call job. Which sucks because I haven't gotten called at all! Jeez and I need money to buy stuff for school already because I start in a week and a half. Plus I want to hang out with my friends, you know go to the beach and stuff. Yesterday we went hiking. I will post a photo. There was mountain lions there that I didn't read that there were.

         

           

It bothers me that I can't center the photos, theres more photos but you know. Never mind I got it. So I went with that "friend" and another friend so that was good. She didn't say stuff that much to me you know the mean stuff. I think its because I have gotten some respect in a way because I have a job and I am in the top 6% at school. Or I have no idea. But I guess we are going to hang out soon with more friends maybe go to the beach or bowling something you know before school starts.

    I got a call from an employer a couple of days ago well on Tuesday. I am guessing the guy is HR. He told me to apply. I applied the day he called. Today is Thursday I haven't heard back... I went to a job fair at school today. I went to turn in a paper that the employer has told me to give to her so I went. I saw some friends that I had well some classmates. I have told you about one of them but we'll talk about that in the next paragraph. So I am going to call the place that called me to apply tomorrow. Maybe around 10 or when I wake up. I really want the job there because the place is 5 stars and the place is close to where I live. Plus there is no on call type thing the place is a retirement facility, so there is no need to travel you know drive to the persons house because the place looks like apartments. I went in to apply and it was really nice inside. I just really hope I can get the job there. My mom hopes I get a job there too. She told me that she thinks that I will get a job there. But I haven't been having a lot of luck. And because she says that she thinks that I will get hired is why I just feel ugh. I don't want to lower her expectations of me. Not only that but I really need this job because the school isn't giving me money to pay for books or anything. So I have to buy a $175 microbiology book not only that but the lab book and some other book for that class. I also have to buy a violin around maybe $170 or so and the music book to learn how to play. I need to get a car, a car costs around well second handed around $1,300 and up. There is also gas that I would need to buy, insurance, registration, well there is a lot. I need to also buy clothes well scrubs for the job and food to survive on. So this is why I need a job. I really need it not only that but it would give me an inside in the nursing field. I actually pray that I get this job. I have prayed, but I don't want to because I will become what I don't want to be, that is a person who only talks or contacts you when they need you. So that is you know messed up. I tried praying everyday but then you feel too sleepy and you forget, next thing you know you haven't prayed in months. My mom told me that maybe God wants me to get the job and that is why he had the person there call me to apply. I really hope that is true.

     Well the job fair. I went to turn in the paper and what not. I saw two classmates there one of them I have talked about on the last post. She kept making me look bad in front of my other classmate and my mom. I tried to bite my tongue the whole time that she was talking shit. Jeez I wish I don't see her again. She has the type of personality where she would always have to be right, and she can't accept otherwise. She keeps stalking what I do, she wants to know everything where I work, when I go to school, what I am doing, everything. Some people like to do that to my like the stick to me like that one "friend" she asked me where I work and where I am going to take the microbiology class. I had to answer of course. So shes taking the class somewhere else which is good. I think she is going to be at Cypress the whole time but I am not sure. I really like Fullerton College they sell Starbucks coffee and really good veggie nachos. Haha. Anyways I wish I were taking yoga this semester or something because I need to get in shape and be calm and get more brain power. I do do better on my own without any distractions when I am at school. I like it. I like staying at school late like coming out at night, I don't know why. But anyways, I hope I do good this upcoming semester.

    I really want to have everything in place now. I want a job now. I need a job now. I will call the employer tomorrow. I really wish and hope that they will say yes to me and contact me for an interview and give me a job. I need this job to you know as I said before school and stuff. I want to buy a treadmill or go to the gym so that is why I need money. Also wow yesterday my sister what a dumbass. She doesn't ask my mom if she can go out she leaves and comes back when she wants or doesn't even come back. Well enough of her she pissed me off really bad yesterday she doesn't have a job and its been more than a year that she has had to get her high school diploma. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. She was supposed to graduate spring '12. But she didn't because she failed some classes and now its taken her over a year to make up those classes she doesn't go to school now or she claims that she goes and instead hangs out with a "friend". That hoe.

     Lets pray that I get called in for an interview and that I get the job. Please guys I need this bad. Well I also hope what my mom says is true. But I have bad luck. Hopefully it changes and I change too. I hope to let go of all this evil that has attached itself to me. I have been feeling more tempered and I am having more trouble taking peoples shit. So that is that. I hope I get this job and I am not going to let the other people know you know those thirsty people that want to know everything about me. Fuck them. My mom told them that I got called from Walnut Village, the place that I want to get hired into. She told them when I went to go get some drinks. So I couldn't say shit. When I came back that thirsty "friend" you know the 900 year old one that still thinks she's a teenager, asked if I got called from the place. Ugh I hate this drama. I am alone all the time and depressed, my head hurts and I still get this shit. Fuck! Well I just have to hold on a while and pray that a job gets me that way I won't be the laughing stock of them or anything.

     Well, I am going to go now and maybe go on Tumblr or something. I will call the place tomorrow so wish me luck guys. Goodnight or whatever the time is where you're at.  

Almost

     Hello. I am happy to say that I finally got a job! Which is good but there is a down side. The job requires a car, which I lack. I do have my drivers licence which I got a while ago. But I don't have a car. So now I am going to have to ask my dad if he could buy me one. Or not. He well he doesn't really get involved in my things like my mom does. Like yesterday my mom and I spent the whole day at the DMV because he didn't want to go in person and pay for the sticker for the car. So yea you know things like that. He doesn't really get involved with my siblings school stuff either its always my mom who's there helping. The only time you will see him is at your graduation. He just expects my mom to do everything and then shows up out of nowhere in the big events that happen in life, but he is there just not really. So I can't really expect him to buy me a car or anything. He already told me that he was going to buy me a car but he hasn't so you see what I mean. He I don't even know. I need a car for the job I got without it I have no idea what I'll do. So now my mom I think is going to buy me a car but her budget is tight because her ankle has gotten swollen from high blood pressure from standing up for long periods of time at her job. So she quit one job because of that and stayed with another which doesn't call her in a lot. So yea I don't know what to do.

     Well you know how people only talk to you when they need you? Well it is true and well ugh let me just explain what happened. So I got a job and then I posted as my status that I had gotten a job. Then this person who I will not say any names but she texted me out of nowhere I swear she never texts or anything unless its for personal gain. So she says where did you get a job at. I ignored her because you know people are stupid. Then she texts me again this time saying and I quote "Sandra!!!". AHH!!! Fuck off I hate you. Well I don't really its just that you are irritating me. I don't judge before getting to know you, as I have said before. When she would talk it would almost always be gossip. She is well older than I you know probably in her late 30's. So you would think that she doesn't gossip as much as a teenager would but she does. That was why I really didn't like being in the middle of a conversation with her. I felt out of place. Well the thing is that she hasn't gotten a job yet and I don't know why that is because she worked previously at another place that she was a caregiver at. So you would think that a person with some experiece would get at job before one with none. Also another well I'll just call her an aquatiance, she said before class ended that she already was offered a job at another place because she knows an LVN who works there. Hahaha well she doesn't have a job because she told me and ofcourse asked where I got the job at. Bitches. I hate it when they do that. Maybe I should ignore them and what not. Well next time I'll hide my status from them.

    Okay, I got my driver's licence and a job, but I am still missing a car. Also I have decided along with my parents that I shouldn't attend CSUF because well it would just be stressful taking classes that I don't need to take. So just that microbiology class with the music class that I want to take, and then work the days I am not in school. So yea I don't know if you've read my previous posts but like I said before, once I get on my feet people are going to be wanting to hang out with me and talk to me. And I was right. Those fucking bitches. Which they are because they are the ones who have put me down previously and now look at them. This one other person which is well a bitch too she would call me ugly so many times now she wants to hang out with me this weekend, well she can go fuck herself because I will not hang out with her after what she has done to me. Jeez seems like everyone likes to put me down. So I wont hang out with them. But that beach thing that I told you guys about well that "friend" said that she would want to go. So now I just have to find a day that everyone would want to go. Also that one "friend" I think she has been readin about how I am doing because I have posted that I got a letter from the school saying that I am in the top 6% in the school. So I know she is jealous because she always asks me what my gpa is and what my grades are. That hoe. So yea she isn't going to stay in my life. I already gave her her things back so the beach is the only thing left to do and then that would be it goodbye, thank you for always puting me down in front of people not! Good thing we don't have any classes together so that is good.

   I have been looking at the things that nurses do and the levels of nursing that there are. I do want to go to Columbia University to get my masters in nursing and become a nurse practitioner. NP's do everything that a doctor does except surgery. So that is cool. Well then my cousin who I met probably months ago lives in the U.K. and she is coming on the 15th. My mom said that we are invited and that all of her husbands family is coming from the U.K. that they have reserved a place by the beach to celebrate their baby sons birthday. Dang you can imagine that. So I think there is going to be a lot of people there. And hopefully I get to buy another dress to wear for that event. Ah well that should be fun. I think its going to be taking place in San Diego, but I'm not sure yet.


   So there are 2 weeks left of summer vacation and I have done nothing fun, as always. I can't say that I am happy that school is starting but it will have me doing something besides sitting on my bed all day doing nothing. I have been locked in my room the whole summer. I mean I have gone outside but that was to the grocery store or something that well is done most of the time. I need to get a car fast. I know my dad isn't going to help me because he like I said is only there when it is essential to be. Not that everything else isn't essential but in the big events he's there. I need to change my life I mean I am in school, have a job, its just that I need more I need a car and I need well not necessarily a social life but to get out of the house. I hope that I get a car soon and that I get to do something before I start school because then by that time you can't really do anything. I think my family except my dad because he never wants to go anywhere, are going to go to the beach. Maybe we'll go to that beach that I suggested that has rocks everywhere I think it was called... I can't remember. But I think we might go there it's by newport. So if we go that would be good.

   I don't know what else to say but I just really want to get my whole act together. I need to mobilize myself and to be active. I have just been in my room the whole entire time. I need to go outside. One of my friends posted on facebook this photo saying "They don't want to help you get to the top. But they want to be around when you get there." That is mostly everyone but there are people who stick by you and help you when you're at your lowest. To those people well thank you. I think that is my family that helps me mostly my mom. So I just need a couple of things to do before the year is over. I can't believe its so close! First I need to get a car, make money from the job to buy books and pay for the car and stuff like that that are essential. Then I need to get straight A's this semester which shouldn't be hard to do because I am only taking two classes. I need to study for the TEAS test and take it in December, which means I need to buy the study guide for the test. I need to get an A average in that test and I really hope I do. I need to apply to nursing schools starting September. I hope to get into CSULB but if I can't then I will just go to WCU. They are both good schools its just CSULB has a better nursing program. I don't know what I'll do if I don't get into that school. I could only hope to get accepted and apply and what not.

    Once that is done next year I need to apply to the nursing program, the schools admission is starting this September, but the program application is in January. For WCU its in April. I still haven't found a third school to apply to just to be safe you know. So I am just going to focus on the things that are now mostly. Let's see if we go to the party on the 15th and yea. Well another summer has past but hopefully I get to go to Europe next year, because the coffee in the U.K was good. Well then, Vale.

The Plan

     I often think about my life. In the times when I am forced to look into the beam of living. It hurts and it tears me apart, knowing that this is who I've become. When I was younger I didn't picture my future like this; painful, tiring and so depressing. This is my life. I see others enjoying it their life more than I. But I guess that is because its them, they deserve it. They deserve to be happy. I guess I'll lay in this bottomless pit of hell that is my life. I always try to distract myself from the present, by watching movies, being in school, studying or just playing one of my instruments. Those are some ways that I try to keep myself from the loser feeling to sink into me. I often think about my future. I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Unfortunately this is my future and I am sitting, blindly at it's throne. I have the power to change my life, or that is what everyone says. But how? How do I get out of being a loser. I have no friends, no car, no job. So yes, I am a loser. I need to get a job fast; and a car even faster. It has been a little over a week since I graduated as a CNA. I haven't found a job yet. Perhaps that is because I've only applied at two places. But this is another thing, I will not say but, I have to do something before I start applying everywhere, and that something I still haven't done. I don't think I would be able to tell you all what that thing is because Its one thing being a loser and another thing being... a shame or a disgrace. Yes disgrace that is me. I don't even know what to do anymore. What am I to do if I don't get a job. How will I pay my school? How will I move out of my parents house? How will I buy a car? Oh yes, and not only am I a damn disgrace, I am also fat! I am so stupid too. This life... This life is unstimulating. What is the damn point of living!?! I hate this I hate myself, and so does everybody else. I have become a slob, I can't even cook! What is my purpose here? Other than to be the laughing stock of everyone. All I do is sit here on my laptop and hope that something will happen, but I never take initiative.
   
    My life is a sad story. When I was a young girl we were invited to this church of people who dressed not so differently but, the females didn't wear make up, or jeans or shorts or shirts that were above their elbows or showed a lot of chest. So there it is in High school guess who was different and because of this didn't or wasn't allowed to try out for the track team or any bloody team! I hated that. But now I do dress differently in a way. I don't wear make up though and I haven't cut my hair really short. Although in that religion we are not supposed to. Anyways if there is a God and a Devil or whatever and what comes along with those two, a heaven and hell, well I will obviously go to hell. But yes, I need to change. I think this is what I am going to do: First, get that thing done, then call all these facilities and ask them if they have job openings for CNA's, third I will hopefully get an interview and a job. Fourth, I will be paid, which means I will have money to buy a car and pay for school and books. Fifth that would be good to have a car and money to help me. And sixth I will be able to move forward, by going to school and moving out and what not. I really, really, really need a job I don't even care where it is. I just need it, as a rite of passage. Also my siblings keep you know bothering me calling me stupid, ugly, fat and you know just telling me right up front to move out. I know its pretty, you know pressuring. So I must get the hell out of here to let my mind eat me. That way I won't be in anybody's way, that way I can let everybody be in peace without me being in the way. You know sometimes I wish that in the middle of the night I can pack some bags, start my car and just drive, somewhere with a beautiful view of the forest trees. Perhaps then stop at a hotel drink some coffee, stay up reading a book, or watching a movie. Then having a breakfast. But just letting my mind and soul to be released of stresses, to just be care free for even just a while, to not constantly be reminded of what a bad world this is and how you yourself are a bad person. 

    I wrote the two paragraphs above yesterday. Today is Sunday. I need a plan to change myself. So I have decided that I don't want to live my life behind a computer screen, well at least not all of it. I like looking at Tumblr and writing but I must get out there sometime. Like today when I was saying goodbye to my family members I felt the cold wind on my skin, I breathed in and I felt alive and I also felt like there was so much more out there. I felt like I did in Europe it was like, magic. It was a good day today. We threw a surprise party for my aunt, this is the aunt who has cancer. She has been in pain for a couple of days, I heard today. I feel bad for her I can't imagine having cancer I bet its scary and it might feel like you're trapped. I hope she gets better. Well there has been a problem with the family but today they solved it out, or they didn't fight, well yell at each other they all acted normal. My godmother, which I didn't even know that I had a godmother told me to never give up (on my studies). That was motivational to me. I need to work hard to get to where I want to be. So today my cousins godfather came to the party for a while. He is a doctor. Which is whoa like you'd expect it to be. I have thought of becoming a doctor but perhaps I am not built for that type of study or work. I really don't know who or what I am but I think I am starting to figure it out. I have made a plan...

    To change myself I need motivation, because lately using personal gain or whatever is not motivational to myself, so I have decided to use my family as a motivator. Like today at the party I was doing my hair in the bathroom but I could hear my mom and my aunts talking. They were asking about my studies and they were talking about their daughters studies and achievements as well. Everyone wants to be praised, so I must help my mom be more proud of my achievements, and that is why I have made this plan. First I need for the life of mine to find a damn job! Work and make money for a car and for school. Study hard and get into a good university with a good name. Yes name does matter here my aunts studied at universities and I well started off at a college. So then I really need to get into cal state Long Beach, because they have a really really good nursing program. Their passing rate for the nursing exam is 100%, so going there will really help me. I really need to get into Long beach state, so I'd better get above a 95% on the TEAS test that is the test that we have to take to apply to the program. I have also looked into West Coast University it has a passing rate of 87% but you know Long Beach is where to go. I have been thinking about this topic a lot. Long Beach accepts pharmacology and pathophysiology that have been taken at another school, West Coast doesn't. I am thinking, should I apply to the Nursing program for the spring since I graduate this Fall or should I wait and take these classes to give me better grades? I have no idea what to do. But I do know that I have to call Cal state Fullerton tomorrow to check on the financial aid thing.  I hope they give me money to attend or pay my classes which is what they do but ah if they don't then I'll just take one class there and call it a semester, because I only need one class to graduate that is Microbiology. But I am taking a music class, and maybe something at cal state fullerton. But jeez the classes there cost a lot of money. I may want to stay with the counseling class or well any class that has a good teacher. So I do hope I get financial aid for the university. I must call tomorrow, also I must call the facility that I applied to. My gosh do I need that job, I really really need that job! So I must also do that thing that I told you guys about but that I cannot say. Well I also need to call other places to see if they have openings for CNA's I hope I can get a job.

    So there we go I need a bloody job. And a gym to go to. I need to get back into shape that way I can be healthy and, well, thin. Well that is what I must do. I need to change myself I am the only person that will allow myself to be happy. I am the only person who is in charge of my future. If I don't take hold someone else will. There you go all. I hope when you feel down remember that you are the only person that can make you feel like that. Others can try and can bruise you on the outside but it is up to you to make yourself feel sad. That took a while for me to figure out. Don't let others drown you alive. Take hold of your life. You are the one who writes your future, you are the one who has control. You are in control.

The Stepping Stone

   Hello everyone. I haven't written in a while so of course I have a lot to say. I did some things and I as well accomplished some goals. First I would like to start with the goals, I passed my drivers test so I am now officially a licensed driver. I passed the state test and I am now a CNA, in which I can get a job in so that is what I am going to do. So that is that. I was supposed to be a licenced driver a long time ago but I was just scared of failing because my parents hold me to a high standard. I don't know what else to say, but I feel like I have grown to be wicked these past couple of weeks. I have filled myself up with jealousy and hatred, not to mention other things for which I feel that my life shouldn't continue no more. I am confused, am I really alive now, is this really who I am? I try to hide my feelings, but I guess because of that is why I am now being hated more that I already was. Not only by my "friends" but now by my family. I don't know who I am, but I do know that who I am becoming, I hate... I have become greedy, competitive and just an unemotional being. There are too many things that I hate about who I am becoming. I believe it's because of the way I am treating or feeling about that one "friend" that I have told you all about. Once I started getting happy or feeling like I was going to be free and do what I want once I gave her her things back and never to speak to her again. That, in that moment is when these bad emotions and a bad stem dug into my personality. I need to change. To be who I was before this stem came in. Before I let it in. I don't know how to change. How is the question. I need help, I need to shed this hatred and know that people are not perfect. I think I know that, it's just that once a person continues to do the same thing over and over again for more than 6 years. And you forgive everyone of those times and they continue to do you the same harm again and get a laugh out of it and involve people that know nothing of who I am. That is just too far. I know that no one is perfect. How do I let this supposed friend go and just let it be like nothing happened, like I never knew who she was. How do I forgive this whole burden, all this hurt, all this pain, all this hell that I won't be able to give back, this hell that will follow me forever, that would be tied to my heart, my soul, my being.

    Well I guess I'll forgive her this last time. Last time because I don't want her to "be that close to me." This is the thing once you go into college all those friends that you had in high school don't follow. That is because they are majoring in something else than you are or they are going to another school. So if you are still in high school and reading this don't think that those friends in high school are going to be there for you 100%. Everyone is going to build their own future, that may exclude you. The thing is I was aware of that before I started college and it didn't really bother me. This friend that I told you about followed me into my major, school and social life. I mean its okay if you follow me into 1 or 2 of these things but all 3!? No. People need their space. Plus if she wasn't acting or being the way she is towards me then maybe I wouldn't hold these thoughts about her. I just feel that she needs to grow up, and realize that no one is going to put up with the bull shit that she gives. Unfortunately she wasn't taught well, by me. I forgive and forgive everything but it seems like the message doesn't get through to her brain. I think after 6 years of being "friends" that she would be able to get the message. I even told her verbally. Okay so how to do this... I think that first I will have to giver her her things back. I know I haven't yet and that is because I don't have a car and previously because of school I had no time. But now I do, now that I am out of school and on a little more than a month of vacation. So I'll give her her stuff back, and I don't know about the whole her having my number to text me and stuff. But I have been distant from her this summer. Perhaps I will ignore her messages like that one friend did to her other friend. But perhaps I shall grow some gut and tell her that I don't want to be her "friend" no more. But what? What to do. What road would I take.

    Okay so I gave it about a whiles thought. In October it is my 21st birthday. She said that she was going to in simpler and less words make a fool out of me. Okay here is what she said in paraphrasing words: On your 21st birthday I will make you drink. Me: No. Her: I will force you to drink and if not I will make fun of you the rest of the night. What kind of a "friend" is that? I told her that she isn't invited to my "party". I put party in quotation marks, because I don't really enjoy parties that much but I do like having like a dinner and just having a talk, with a couple of people. Okay well I have been writing okay a lot. For my 21st I would just like to have a dinner with my family. That is it I don't want heavy drinking or anything crazy. Just a dinner at a restaurant called Boca that is somewhat close to where I live. It is an Italian restaurant, my family and I have been there before in Las Vegas. I guess part of the reason why I don't want a big party is because I have never really had big parties in the past. All I have gotten for the past, perhaps 7-10 years of my birthdays is just a happy birthday from my family. That is it no cake, no presents, just sometimes money. And that is it. Just really simple.

     Since she wants to attend my birthday well dinner; I will just tell her no because she is going to make me look like a fool. And I know my parents will ask where or why she didn't come, or well at least my mom would. I think she knows though that I am pushing her away a bit because when she texts me I answer very vaguely, not thoroughly like I would. So that is a clue to her. Once I giver her her things back another clue. And once I decide what to do that would be the last and I will tell her straight up that I don't want her in my life no more. Thing is I never consider someone a friend until they have proven themselves to me. I know people make mistakes so I am not hard. I will just see if you like to make fun of me for long periods and don't change or if you mess with my family that would be the end. There is another friend that is somewhat in the same red spot, if you will as my "friend" she somewhat has a chance. I am giving her a chance. I give lots of chances because if I do, I see how far you take the next messed up thing that you do. I guess I'll tall or write about this person when I hang out with her in a few days or so. So yea my sister when I told her that I and my friends were making plans to go to the beach and if she wanted to come. She asked me if ... oh jeez I almost wrote her name. But she asked me if this "friend" of mine was going. I said "I don't know," and she replied saying "I want her to go." I told her that some other friends of mine were going. Some friends that she already knows. She said that she doesn't like this other friend that I told you guys that I'll write about later. So now I don't know what to do about the situation. I mean I don't want to go with that "friend" with the other mutual friends that we have because, they both know and I guess my sister knows too that she makes fun of me. It's like a rush that she gets when she makes fun of me or insults me. You should see her face, filled with a big smile when she hurts me. So I don't know I just now thought of something. What if I do invite this "friend" over to the beach. See if she acts the same, because she always does when there is a circle of people that we talk to, or even are acquaintances to. I think that is what I am going to do. Invite her and see how she acts. Then tell her if she acts that way that I don't want her to be in my life no more. I don't want her to be my acquaintance and I don't want myself to be her rag doll. So it is settled then. Lets see how this goes. Ah me and my chances. I will provide an explanation if she acts so.

    Okay now that that is settled. That is how I shall perform. Another chance that well is not so deserved. But alright. So I must tell you guys that I am going to pick up a job application tomorrow and I am going to turn in a job application. Oh gosh I am so nervous because what if the facility doesn't want me to work with them. Jeez I am scared. I want and need a job badly. So wish me luck guys I guess tonight I will have to sleep, well before 1 A.M. Because I am going to school so the people there can help me with the job application and so I can ask them some questions. I think we got somewhere today, with this writing. Its one of the reasons why I like to write, so I can see what I am doing and to express myself. Alright then I guess I must go now, because I have to clean my room and fill out the rest of the application. Goodnight everyone.

Alone

     Today is Tuesday, and one of my friends, Zaida keeps trying to try to find out my URL to my blogger site! Zaida is someone that I met in the CNA program. She's cool. Well it is now Wednesday I think a week passed by because when I said that today is Tuesday well it was last Tuesday that I wrote that sentence. Well then. I didn't write last week because I had a lot to do. By a lot to do I mean that I had many tests and quizzes that I had to study for. Today is Zaidas birthday. She is 19. Which is good. I am happy for her because she is always so happy everyday. I have never met someone like that. I know I am not happy everyday. Tomorrow is the fourth of July so I have no class which is good, but I have to read for my psychology class. I hope I pass the class because its hard. I underestimated it. Which sucks. I have never taken an online class, so this is the first and last time that I will because I just don't know what to focus on. It is too much reading and I don't know what to memorize. That is why its hard and I don't want to read everything but I still do and its hard to keep it in memory because its way too much. Too much because I also have to study for the CNA class. The tests for my psychology class and the CNA class are always back to back so it is very stressful. I am still going to try though because you know you have to. Okay well since my blog is about life, my life and just life in general I will write about that. I feel good today. I feel good when I get a break from school and everything, just to reflect on how I am doing and to get inspired by what I read on Tumblr. Lately, I have been feeling life really strong. I feel like I am starting to live. I feel like I am taking baby steps towards higher goals. I have read some things about life and I am starting to see. I know that life is difficult but I just want to be happy. I know that is such a cliche but yes I want to be happy, be successful and fall in love. I mean after all you only have one life. Why not live stress free and happy, fall in love, live and fly.

    I just really wish I can hold on to good feelings. To good vibrations that come to me. I feel good sometimes like now. Now that I am resting, getting inspired, and listening to calming and relaxing music that fills my soul with emotions. Beethoven radio is really good on pandora. I am listening to a song called Treasure Falls by David Nevue. I am getting serious feelings about life. I mean I am 20 years old. This is the time when I shall shape up and live. The most important steps towards your future are now. How you choose to spend your time will determine who you become. I just feel like I need help. I am unable to really feel emotions that well. Primarily because I trained myself to block them out. Now I want to feel. Now that I have a chance to get out of the slump and to change, to become someone better than who I am. I went on facebook for a bit and one of my friends posted this:

"All of a sudden two decades have passed and you still have not kissed anyone with tongue, or kissed anyone at all for that matter, or had a 3AM conversation with someone who would rather look into your eyes for ten minutes straight than talk. You have never worn a lover's sweater or "forgotten" it at home in your bedroom just so you would have an excuse to see them again. You have never even stood face-to-face with someone who makes you hands shake so hard it feels like they're both having a separate anxiety attack. This causes you much guilt and self-blame and sadness but above all, an overwhelming curiosity. Are you really that ugly, that unwanted, that uninteresting, that boring, that no one, absolutely no one, has ever looked at you like the only thing on earth? The answer is no. The better answer is that someone out there, someone in the world, is "wondering what it's like to meet someone like you," and they have two decades worth of love stored in their veins like a shoot-'em-up drug,  and they're just about ready to inject it into someone else's bloodstream. All you have to do is roll up your sleeves and wait for it to happen. At times you felt so lonely you could stand at the edge of a cliff with nothing beneath you but air and grass and a long, long way down, and you'd still feel emptier than the canyon itself. Maybe you even danced with yourself alone in your room a few times, arms outstretched around a ghost, pretending someone else's hands were on your wait, someone else's eyes boring into yours. Or maybe you fell temporarily in love with strangers on public transportation, fell in love with anybody who so much as accidentally brushed your hand on the way past. For you, falling in love with dozens of people a day was a coping mechanism for not having anyone to love you in return. But people are not eggs and falling in love with a dozen of them does not mean your shell will remain uncracked. One day you're going to hit the point where you're so desperate for human contact that you're going to snap in half and all your love will bleed out like egg yolk. But someone out there is eating a bowl of Ramen noodles right now, or putting on slippers, or settling into bed. They are  just like you. They have cellulite and extra fat in all the wrong places and goals and fears and doubts and bad handwriting. The truth is that they are just like you, and being just like you, they're looking for a lover too. They're what you might call a soulmate. They think they're all alone in feeling the way they do, but you're really both two halves of a whole. And one day you'll meet them, bump into them on the street, and your two halves will be put together, and you'll make one." - Writings For Winter- For Twenty Year- Olds who have never been loved

 Isn't that beautiful? I feel like it was talking about me. What a wonderful write. I am starting to feel what the quote is saying. To feel desperate for human contact. I have never had a boyfriend. I know this is selfish of me but I am afraid to get hurt, I hope I overcome that emotion. Sometimes when I am alone in my room, like now I feel sad, alone, and dead. Sometimes when I am writing I feel tears coming in my eyes. Because I can't feel. I am so alone. In part I myself have set this environment for me. But now, now that I am here, now that I have rid of people in my life. I now know that, people, they help you, even though they might hurt you at times. I do understand that if people hurt you over and over again with the same technique that it is time to let that person go. I now understand that people will hurt you. But they will help you and give you memories to live by. Hopefully not memories, I wish they would stay. I never knew how much human contact is needed by the soul. To feel loved, to love in return and to make each other happy is what we do. Unfortunately I became I guess angry and that made me block my emotions and thoughts about people. I didn't want anyone in my life, I have been hurt so many times. But then again who hasn't been hurt. Because of my anger I began to block people out of my life. Some only one I had to block out because it was affecting me. About that person I still haven't made it official to have blocked her out perhaps tomorrow I will. Tomorrow I hope things go good. I think I might go to the beach or to the theaters. I wish sometimes that I could have one of those teenager nights. You know the ones where they have fun and just experience something new. The nights where you feel alive. I haven't had one of those. The closest thing to that experience was prom night. My two friends and I after the dance went to dennys to eat. And of course as a high school student the emotions of wanting to block out emotions had taken place. Afraid of hurting, afraid of attachment, therefore I had no date to the prom. I know how silly. I mean some guys asked but I.. I didn't feel confident enough, I am shy and I didn't want the pain to come to me. But now, now that I see what it is, a part that life is about. Here is what I believe to have learned from years of solidarity and being to overprotective of my feelings. The point in life is to have moments that take your breath away. Even though they are going to end, the point is that it happened and now you can have that memory. Even though sometimes you might miss the time or the person that gave you butterflies, the goal or perhaps the gain is that the moment happened.

    Today is the fourth of July. My family and I are alone once again. Well this time my aunt came over. I don't know if its because she said something bad about her sisters daughter and because of that she isn't invited over to their house. Well she is well you know supposed to be wiser than that. I heard that she said something bad about my aunts daughter. The thing that she said I heard in person. I heard that my other aunt that was with us at the time that my aunt said it, my aunt told my other aunt about it. Because of what she said and because my other aunt told my other aunt is why now no one wants to invite her for dinners and stuff. So now I have been seeing her a lot in my house. Previously she wouldn't be here. The only reason that the "family" has been getting together more or has been getting together is because of my grandmothers death. May she rest in peace. Before that sad event I wouldn't hear anything from my aunts or anyone. Now that one of my aunts has cancer, now I see them more. Well enough of that, I was just telling you guys that way we are on the same page. Earlier today I came into the house from the store and felt alone. I saw my aunt. She is alone. Her son lives in Panama and I don't know about my uncle. I have never heard anything from him, never even knew that he existed. I still don't, and I don't know if I ever will know a thing about him. So in my mind I haven't linked my aunt with a husband. She has always been alone. Which is sad of course. Perhaps because she lives alone and because she is alone is why she acts weird around people. By acting I mean saying or doing inappropriate things in front of people. Like the thing she said about my cousin. Or the act that she was doing in my aunts new years party. I am not even going to write what she was doing. Perhaps because she is alone she acts that way. But I would still try to control it. Okay, well when I came in I felt a strong emotion pressing down on me. To my understanding it was life calling out to me again. It was teaching me a lesson. I glanced at my aunt for a second. She was alone. I saw in her eyes sadness and a need for human contact by having a good talk or something of that sort. I am experiencing to a degree what she is. By looking at her and having that feeling I saw my parents. So closed off. The only thing they do for entertainment is watch tv. How sad I thought. I don't want that to be my only window to the outside. So I thought that next year I would like to go somewhere, perhaps Europe or somewhere cool.

    It is 9:17 PM here in California. The feeling comes once more, as I listen to the sound of fireworks outside. I think, I should be at the beach or somewhere watching these fireworks with a sweetheart. But instead I am here writing how I would like to be getting that experience. I hope one day I do. But for now I must push forward to get out of my shell. Although I know that I am going to be alone I shall be alone exploring. Exploring and hoping that I might find someone to make my heart sing. Someone who I would love forever and they shall love me.

 

Midpoint

   I have no idea what is going on now. I probably shouldn't be writing this because it's kind of lat and because I have to get up early tomorrow to do clinicals. So I might post this probably during the weekend so I can say everything that happened this week. Well I had a test this Tuesday that I didn't study well for but I got a B. So that is okay because I am not fighting for an A or whatever. I started my psychology class this Monday. I have read the syllabus and its a lot of work. But I can probably do it, I just really need to focus. I need to get an A in the psychology class. I don't know if I should try to get an A in my CNA course. I'll think about it and read some stuff online about it as well. Well today is Wednesday and I posted something as my status on FB (I know but I swear this is like weird what one of my friends wrote). Okay I wrote that in order to move forward you have to break down barriers, meaning like habits, negative influences and negative people if you have to. So then my friend comments saying oh everyone likes to feel like the victim and what not. I really do not like to be the victim because being the victim means dealing with shit. I didn't write that because you know if you lose control like do kind of when writing means that your kind of crazy. Sometimes it does. Okay but seriously I mean would you guys like it if I would follow you around and call you stupid, ugly, and make people that I and you don't know feel uncomfortable because I say stupid things like oh don't show him/her that because it might provoke them, or I know she so stupid the answer was so obvious, I can go on forever with this list. But this "friend" has done this things to me. So would you all like me to do that to you? No. Right? First of all this is disrespectful, rude and annoying to everyone. Second you are a grown person, you are not a little kid going through the puberty phase in need to push someone down to feel better about yourself. The friend that commented said that there is this book that he read that talks about learning to accept people or whatever, something like that like that you are the stress of your life. Yes that's it that nothing can bother you as much as your mind does. Well let me tell you something I believe that people can bother you more than your mind if it gets to the level that I am on. Its her the person who keeps making my life a hell. I went a semester without her. I took different classes than her, the only way I was able to do this was because she failed Chemistry and Anatomy so she had to take them over again. Well then. I have to tell you guys more about the "friend" because then maybe you will able to see it how I see it. But the mind I understand how its a stressor because its constantly trying to analyze, to solve, to seek the most efficient way out of something, basically always deducting our life. Well, I have to go because I have to wake up early and go to school and I also have to get my stuff ready for tomorrow and what not. I'll be back soon probably on Saturday. Till then, then.

    Hello, I am back. Today is Saturday. I have three exams this upcoming week. So I must study but I can never seem to find the feel to study during the day. I must, or I will go to sleep and then get up at night to study. I think its because its hot during the day and because I am lazy and don't want to study. Well everything seems to be going well. I feel good today. This morning I woke up and felt like I was a kid again. My mind was free of worries and stress. I held on to the feeling for a while then it left but I feel good still. Ah. Oh about the CNA program it is weird too much hard work I always come out feeling weird and tired when I am done with clinicals. On the last week of school we go all that week to clinicals. Which is good and bad; good because we practice skills bad because I am so dead after each day. I really do hope everything continues to go the way it is because I feel good. I still am not at the reach or the point where I want to be with my studies. But I am trying. I should really stop writing and get to studying. Jeez, I play a bit of piano but I want to memorize a piece, maybe Beethoven or Mozart or something easy. I need to really focus on school. Like always. I should hit it hard because next year I am going to have 8 months off of school. So that is good, I shall keep that in mind when I am about to die while studying. I keep breaking down a lot. Like right now I just felt like crying I don't know why. When I was studying this week I actually did cry. I just couldn't capture or hold in anymore. I haven't had a break from school so I think that is what it is. But next year, oh next year will be great. This year its going to start getting good that is if I get all the things that I need to get done. I need to get my drivers licence, I know I have been saying that a lot that is because I was scared to get it at first and I still am because I don't want to fail it I want to pass it the first time. Well that is going to happen 4 weeks from now on a Friday is when I need to take it because that will be the only day off that I will have. Okay then I just feel so weird now like I am flying. It's good. I tried chipotle yesterday heres a picture:

It was good. Made from organic food. Or so they claim. I feel the urge to go hiking or to travel right now. But I will have time next year. I hope. I hope to get accepted into CSULB or WCU. I need to find other nursing schools around me that offer a BSN because I don't want to do ADN. Well then ah, I feel tired today and I am drinking coffee! Okay I just vacuumed my room a bit, I have to do laundry and study. I need to start getting serious about everything I am 20 years old! My time to live, to be hardcore, to be happy starts now. Unfortunately it comes with hardcore times like studying to have a good job and stuff. I just keep hearing that it is going to be worth it in the end. Oh I went to Starbucks yesterday and me and some girl started talking. She was nice, 23 and moved to Anaheim a while ago she told me. She is planning to go back to school and study business. She told me that school and studying will be worth it in the end. I should start paying attention to people because yea you know I also think it would be worth it because you will be good financially and have a good house and what not. I feel good. I keep saying that I will try to hold on to this feeling and I will try to change but its so hard to change.

    Okay this past Sunday Drake Bell was at Disneyland! Ah I am never going to meet a famous person am I. The thing is that he is always there I heard and saw. So hopefully he comes back that way I can meet him, because I grew up watching him on Drake and Josh. I can't wait till I am done with summer school because then I am going to get a break and I am planning on going to the beach or somewhere before I start the Fall semester. I am somewhat excited on starting the Fall semester because by then I will have a car, I will be attending University and I will be working. I hope to work at Kaiser Permanente, where my aunt works as a CNA. So I was thinking if I do like volunteer work there and if my aunt can help get me in then that would be good because they pay your school if you attend. I really need to find a third school to apply to for their nursing program I don't know which one. I really really really!! Want to attend CSULB! But that school is so difficult to get accepted into for their nursing program. All I can do is hope and try to get accepted. Oh my gosh! I forgot that I am supposed to be studying for the TEAS test! Jeez I am supposed to take it in December. But first I am supposed to find a school that offers it in December. Gosh that test is going to kill me because its simple but its that simple hard you know the type that focuses on every little detail. I have to memorize conversions for this upcoming test and for the TEAS test. I am going to try to stay up tonight and get as much studying done, I mean its so hot to study. Maybe I should have gone to the library with my friend. I hope I don't fail anything. 

    Okay I guess I'd better get going now I don't feel like doing anything. But I hope I do get stuff done today or tonight. Well then everyone have a great summer. I am going to try to get some things done. I really hope I can its just the heat! Jeez Cali. I know its worse in other places though. Till next week everyone have a great day or night depending where you are at. 

Mind in Darkness

   I have been reflecting a bit about my life. I mean we only have one life to live, if we don't do something that makes us happy then its just a waste. I keep seeing people succeed in what they set out for themselves which is good. But then I think why can't I have that success? They all look so happy. I can't... I don't even know how. Its getting to me now. Like really getting to me. I know its going to get worse. So I have to get my mind out of the darkness and well, not numbed anymore. I feel like my mind, my brain is paralyzed. Perhaps its because I am supposed to be having the time of my life. Instead I am stuck doing the same thing over and over again. Its making me sick and tired. I don't even know what life is anymore. I feel nothing, except for this immense headache all the time. I wake up every morning and hope that my life might change. But so far nothing has happened. I just want to be free to feel and be happy. Just like I was when I was young. Now its just going through school and being a loser. I know that going to school is good but you all know the problems I have been having. I was so inspired when I was beginning school. But I slowly started to fade away. I have never felt this way before. It sucks. I have been prescribed like 2 years ago to ibuprofen for my headaches. I know taking meds is bad so I stopped. Now this headache has come back hard. As for the numbness it has been growing, and it hasn't stopped. I just need something really powerful to change me. To restart me. I keep trying to have a positive outlook that I will find that restart change. But I have only been drowning deeper into well nothing, just sadness and unknowingness of the future or anything. I know that no one knows what their future holds. I just really want to get out of this dark place that I am at. I try to suppress the emotions of this drowning. I think its because I want my life to be perfect, but its not. No ones life is.

   So I am always saying that I am going to get rid of that "friend" well yea I am I just need to give her her things back. That way she won't call me for anything. Maybe I'll check and do that today. But yes it is the weekend and once again I am so very bored and have nothing to do. This is exactly why I need to get my drivers licence and a get a job. That way I can go where I want to and buy stuff, like lots of clothes and shoes. I have changed my mood a bit as you can tell because that last paragraph was really dark. I suppress the depression as much as I can, but then it gets to the point where I can't hold everything in and then I have to let it out. I am so bored. I need to study like always for a test coming up this Tuesday. I have to memorize 17 chapters and I haven't started. So now I don't know what to do. Well I need to study but I don't want to. My friend just asked me if I wanted to go to the library I said no. As you can tell I am digging my own grave to fail in that upcoming test. I have today and tomorrow to study but I don't want to. And I just ah! I think I don't want to because my back hurts when I have to be hunched over to read the book and its hot. I am so tired of doing nothing though. I should study then I will make myself an iced coffee and change my long sleeved shirt.

   Well then as always I hope everything is going well with you guys. I hope my whole situation gets better because I can't function like this. I need to know that things are going to be okay and that no one is going to get in my way to success anymore, not even myself. I sometimes think I am crazy for going to school all the time, but its the only thing that I do. Once I get my licence and job then it would join with school. I hope that everything goes well and that I change. I must fight this depression and move on. One day I will be where I want to and I will be happy. Well then time to hit the books, I hope I do good. I mean 17 chapters! man thats a lot. I am scared for the other tests too, especially the final and the state test to get my certificate and be able to work but that will happen four weeks. I must push forward but I don't even know for what. So I must convince myself that things will be better with a job, car, attending two schools in the fall and for that long vacation that I will have next year that I need to save money for to go where I want to. I want to go to Italy but you know I have no idea if that would happen or if I will end up going somewhere in the U.S. like to see the grand canyon or to yellowstone. Well goodbye I will be back soon. I really hope things get better and I know that it takes awhile for it to happen it would also take some work on my behalf. Oh I forgot to tell you guys I start my online psychology class on Monday. So I don't even know if I should take that class. Also that another friend that is well I don't know shes kinda different I would say but let me tell you guys about her that way we are on the same page. Well she is 23 and still lives with her parents, she doesn't have a job, she has a medical assistant certificate so I don't see why she keeps asking me if I know somewhere where they are hiring, ah well she is kinda cool but then she showed me her ugly side. She kept saying that I am ugly! I know I am but there is such thing as having respect. Plus she said it repeated amount of times. She used to always bother me saying lets hang out or somethings like that. When she was younger she didn't like church but now she is going and that is because she knows that those people are going to stay there and she could be part of like a group. This is a group of friends that I am talking about. Well enough of her. She asked if she could join the CNA program that I was doing ah! I know I need people in life to talk to and stuff but I have learned better. Its a good thing that no one that I know doesn't read my blog, at least I hope they haven't found it. But yes I am tired of people trying to follow me everywhere! Just leave me alone because you bring me down with your negativity and pressure. Well then that is it. Plus even if she joined she would have dropped out because she always drops her college classes. I told her to take online classes but you know. Oh well.

    Once I get myself up and out of this shit hole that I am in everyone is going to start to want to hang out with me or whatever. I know it will happen. I just won't let them because the aided in drowning me so fuck them! I am sick and tired of this shit life that I am living. So I must stand up and put a stop to all the shit happening. Ah, yes I just explained my emotions of how it feels to be a fucking loser. I will succeed in getting better and everything will be just fine as soon as I give my "friends" shit back, that would be the end of her in my life. I have given her way to many chances to change so fuck her, I won't help her anymore.

   That should top off this blog entry, have a great weekend everyone.

Scrap

   Hello. I have just completed my first week of the CNA program. It was weird, I have to tell you. I felt uncomfortable. I think it was because we have to get up early, like sometimes we start class at 8 AM and sometimes at 7 AM. So that throws me off because I don't like getting up early and I don't perform well under those circumstances. I have this really weird feeling in my head right now. I have had it for a while. By a while I mean for about 7 years. 7 years is when it grew. The feeling is that I have no feeling for knowing that life is real. My emotions or senses that are specifically for knowing that I am awake and not in a dream have not been working for 7 years. I have told you all about the how I can't feel emotions that well anymore. I can't which sucks. Music somewhat moves me to a degree. It used to move me a lot. Along with that I haven't grasped the fact that I am an adult. I mean I don't feel like an adult. I am 20 years old. I have done 3 years of college work. Looking back at those three years I have lost a lot, because in the beginning I was so inspired, so happy, so ready to change. But because of that "friend" that I was too I guess nice to tell her to leave, or I guess to tell her to stop being a bitch, or to stop being stupid and arrogant. Because of that person... she did so much harm to me. She is the one who turned me into a emotionless person. She took my dignity away. To anyone who we met, because she always wanted or wants I shall say wanted because I am not going to let her out of my life. I guess I am a coward because I am just going to give her her stuff back that I borrowed, but I am not going to tell her that I don't want to be her friend anymore. I should right? Just because you know I would have something, but I will if she wants me to hang out with her or if she wants to come to my supposed 21st birthday party. I say supposed because I rarely have birthday parties. I just might go out to eat with my family and then go home and relax, if my birthday doesn't fall on a weekday. I just checked the calendar and my birthday falls on a Saturday. Which is good because well maybe I don't know how the school situation is going to be then.

   Oh, yes I keep getting freaked out by the whole school situation because well I can't remember saying that I wanted to take the violin class in the fall, but I do, and the school is offering it. The whole school thing is so complex right now because I am going to be attending the college and university of Fullerton. So yea. I just found out that the microbio and music class fall on monday wednesday so that is good, because I am going to or am planning to attend the university on tuesday thursday. So I have to finish the orientation for the school and then check their schedule and what not. I am hoping to get ethnic studies and maybe a counseling class or something easy that is 3 units to have a full time status at the school. I have to have more units at the university than the college so finding an easy 3 unit class I need. I am excited to take the violin class. Even though the schedule doesn't say who would be teaching it. I have to pay the college tuition out of pocket unfortunately. That is why I am going to get a job hopefully as a CNA, to get money to pay the class and books and what not. I mean I could take the microbio class at csuf but its only 4 units there and 5 units at the college. I need to get an A and I will get an A. I will because I will be focused, I pray. But also free from the bitch. Maybe me calling her a bitch seems confusing to some of you. I shall tell you the story why she deserves to be called that, perhaps in my next blog entry, that way we can be on the same page, and you guys won't be wondering why I call her that. 

    Well then I start the second week of school tomorrow. I should think myself crazy with all the schooling that I am doing this year. I must be focused but my headaches have been with me the whole way. I guess I must do yoga in the weekends and what not. Perhaps also keep away from the laptop but that is my only form of entertainment. I mean you all know I have no friends and no boyfriend and whatever. I am now thinking about those guys that wanted to date me but I purposely did something to keep them away. Ugh, but its like my family is going to like say ooo Sandra has a boyfriend and whatever. I don't like those things. So I don't know what to do about a boyfriend. I went to study on Saturday with a couple of acquaintances that I have at school. It was good. I got a ride there from an acquaintance. Then when we were done my Dad picked me up, we went to go get pizza and then I watched a movie (which is what I do for entertainment because you know) then I got ready to go to Kohls and Starbucks around 10 PM. Here is a picture of what I bought at Starbucks:  

It is a vanilla bean frappuccino and a cheese danish. It was good, and that concludes my Saturday. Today Sunday I went to church, not the one we "usually" go to but one that my moms friend invited her to. We went it was okay, I just felt that they prayed more than preached. Or so does the guest speaker. So I guess I can't judge the church by that person. Well that was weird. After the service, which my mom, my brother and I went to, we went to t-shirt outlet, then to eat at Del-Taco the we went to Kohls again but that was to get the stuff that we put on hold and to get more stuff. I got a cute skirt. It is striped. The weekend I guess was okay. But it is this damn headache that has been following me everywhere I go. I have no idea how to get it off or get rid of it. So I am just going to try yoga and tea, hopefully that works. Well, I must go now I have to get up for school tomorrow. Wish my luck guys I wish the best for you all too. Goodnight or good morning depending on where you are at :) 

The Fall

     Today was the last day of school. I have taken 2 heavy science classes. I know I have failed one and the other I am just waiting to know my grade. There is nothing I can do now. The college teachers have voted on having a short semester which means that the finals are all in one week. I know if it were the other way when we had two weeks to do finals that I would have gotten the grades that I wanted. There is this thing that I haven't been wanting to face and that is the fact that I do not want to become a nurse. I know its bad for me to say that. I mean I know the job pays good money but the work is just not stimulating me. When I was younger I wanted to become an artist. Then I got told by mom that I should stop drawing and get doing math or science reading because drawing wasn't going to get me anywhere. It's difficult to be a parent. I mean I am not a parent but the way you act, what you say and your philosophy in life will greatly impact what your child would believe when he or she gets older or what he or she would do when they get older. I am getting older. I haven't faced life to the extreme yet. I haven't done the basics in life to help prepare for the future. When I was in high school I didn't know what I wanted to study when I was going to go to college. I didn't even know what college I wanted to go to. At first when I was in the last months of high school. I started thinking about what I wanted to study. I told my parents that I wanted to study psychology. I liked psychology. It was interesting to me and that wasn't the first time that I thought about being a psychologist. Plus in my psychology class I got the highest grade of all not only for that class but also for my economics class. So I was thinking about doing one of those things. I also thought about studying business. But my parents wouldn't let me study what I was interested in. The last thing in my mind was studying for something in the health field. They rejected all of the things that I wanted to major in so I purposed nursing. With the hope that they would say no. They said that that was a good major to study for, but I didn't feel a connection to nursing. Like sure its good that you are helping people or saving lives or whatever but I just don't know. It wasn't what my soul wanted to do for the rest of life.

   I don't feel like doing nursing for the rest of my life. I am now thinking about studying something else after I am done with nursing. Probably English or something that I think is cool. The funny thing is that I was considering med school before I felt this way. Before I noticed that I don't want to kill someone or something like that. Before I noticed that I had numbed myself for too long. That now I have to be free. That now I must choose in life. That now I am facing reality and emotions. I am having trouble writing, I feel bad like the back of my head hurts. I have switched my position. I am laying on my belly. Well, then I will tell you all something. Well I guess that had to wait a while. I was going to tell you all something yesterday but I believe that it will come up when the time is right. I want to get this post done today so I will. I have been leaving blogs saved to finish later, which is not good because then I loose the feel to what I was going to write about.

   Well, today Monday June 3, 2013. It was my first official day in CNA class. It was hard because we had to sit there from 8 AM to 3 PM. The teacher let us out early, our class was supposed to end at 5 PM so imagine that. I literally was falling asleep in class. I mean I have felt tired before in class but not to the point where my eyes were rolling to the back of my head to sleep. Perhaps because what he was talking about wasn't that interesting. It was mostly basic stuff, and we all had to sit there and listen to him. We got through about 5 chapters. I am not sure on how many but yea. It was not good. Then when he started talking about the hospital setting and skills, skills the things that we have to do that involve us actually using our bodies. That is when we all woke up. Well at least I. Ah, I was so sleepy. But now that I have drank soda, that is what is keeping me writing. Yesterday was Sunday. It was my aunts birthday. It was like every Sunday because we have been inviting my aunts and others over so it has been going on for a while this whole Sunday dinner thing. Well towards the end, like when everyone was going to leave in an hour or so, we decided to talk about school. I said that I didn't want to be a nurse. But this was when we were like half way done talking about that topic. Then my cousin the one that I thought was going to CSULB for nursing school actually quit that because her mom was forcing her to study that. Which was exactly what was happening to me. So now everyone is like okay you can study something else. But now that I wasted 3 years studying for it. Anyways I know why my parents want me to study nursing, that is because you have a guaranteed job. So I am just going to stick through this whole process, then when I am done I will study something else. I was thinking biochemistry or astrophysics. Guess which one is in demand. Yea, biochemistry. The hard degrees to get are in demand. But I'll see what will happen in the future.

   I don't know if I should write about the real revolver of my life, well one of the major pieces that come into play. I will leave that for later. Now for nursing I hope I like it a bit, it seems okay, but I'll make a better criticism when I finish the program, criticism on my behalf which doesn't account for everyone but just my point of view. So 3/4ths of my final grades are posted on my transcript right now. I got an A in chemistry, but got hit in the face by the C in physiology. Which in reality doesn't hurt my persona because well you know I am not passionate about that topic. Which was probably why I got that grade. Now I cannot apply to CSUF. I am thinking about just going to West Coast University (wcu) and hopefully transferring to CSULB. HOPEFULLY. Well then that is what happened. I have never gotten a C in a college course before so that physiology class was the first. My lab teacher in Physiology said that anatomy was the easiest, then microbiology then physiology. I thought that microbiology was going to be the hardest. But it wasn't. I mean I have no idea because I haven't taken that class yet. So I am just going to still apply for CSULB, WCU and I have no idea what other schools. But if I leave Orange County then I will have to work and get a roommate. So I don't know if I am ready for that transition. But we'll see in the future. Since Fall of 2014 I would be enrolled in a nursing program. Well then that is mostly all I have to say besides the fact that I am always a loner in small classes. I mean today the one person I met on the first day sat with someone else then told me to join them so I have no idea because I wasn't presented to the other person. And the person that I met on the first day wants to have lunch tomorrow. God help me because I have no idea how awkward that lunch is going to be with the other person that I don't know there but kept bumping into a lot. AH. Wish me luck guys I am going to try to finish the orientation for CSUF and then get some things ready for school tomorrow. Good luck to you guys in whatever it is you are trying to achieve.

The Arrow

   Hello everyone. It's me. Today was such a weird day. I went to the dentist to get my teeth checked for the braces that I might get. The orthodontist said that I would have them for two years if I were to get them. He also mentioned something weird. That I swallow like a baby does. He said that there are 10-20% of people that don't change into the normal swallowing change. So I swallow with my tongue pushing out towards my teeth. While other people swallow by putting their tongue to the roof of their mouth. Anyways he also said that I have a long tongue. So that is why I am pushing it towards my teeth. Well that sucks because he also said that if I continue to swallow as I do that when the braces get taken off that my teeth will lift a little as a result. Okay, well enough of that. I didn't sleep last night because my sister decided to let her "friend" sleep over without asking my parents first. In fact she snuck him in and then snuck him out. It wasn't till later that I found out he was her boyfriend. I swear no one tells me anything. Only to make things worse me and my siblings had to keep quiet that he was here. So she practically dragged us into her problem. The guy doesn't seem like a bad guy. I met him yesterday he seems like a calm person. That wasn't the problem though. The problem was that she drags us into her problems all the time. So since my brother and sister share the room and her boyfriend spent the night. By brother of course wouldn't go to bed. So I offered him to sleep in my bed, and he did which was good. The thing is that I had to break an all nighter. But I slept 30 min prior to my dentist appointment. Oh and I got some of my chemistry project done in that time. So that was good too.

    I am feeling a bit stressed now. Well a lot stressed. I got some sleep after the dentist's appointment and when I woke up I felt a pain in my chest. But only it wasn't physical but like an emotion. You know when you feel sad or happy, it was that kind of emotion. It was pain though. Pain that my soul was leaking out. It hurt so bad that I almost cried. I rarely cry. Only when it hurts a lot. It was the type of pain that you hold in, that you don't let yourself feel till later. Only now all that stored pain was leaking out. Then I remembered what I read on Tumblr it was a picture of an arrow that said this:

An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. When life is dragging you with difficulties, it means it's going to launch you into something great. So just focus, and keep aiming. 

That is lovely isn't it. I am so down at this point right now when I woke up I felt even worse than I previously do. Like my life, my source of life, the only thing that I could feel was being pulled out of me. It hurt. And I don't know why that happened. But afterwards I felt something. I felt life. And that felt good. I think what happened is that I had a really tough week.

   Besides all of this I am happy that there is only two weeks of school left. I wonder what my score was in the chemistry test. I have so many things to do this upcoming week. I haven't studied for physiology because that class is so difficult. But I will just try to do the questions in the back of the book and look at his powerpoints. I have a low B in that class so I have to focus but my mind and body don't want to study for that class. I hate that class just because I memorized all his power points which were 200 slides. But one of the people that I have in that class told me that she does the back of the book questions and the online quizzes and that is how she has an A in that class. I am made because his tests are all the quizzes that he gives online and whatever but I who spends time memorizing the power points can't have an A. I knew there was a reason why I didn't want to take him this semester. So now I am mad at the teacher ugh.

    It's Tuesday today and I got a B on the chemistry exam. The teacher is giving extra credit so that would help me get an A. Good thing that the final is all multiple choice because her other tests were you either know it or you don't type of thing. So this would be good. I am mid way this week, I have my history and chemistry essay and project, heavy things due tomorrow. So I want to take a shower because I went to the gym and I can't because I ate and then my blood pressure would go up if I go right now. I will go in 8 min, because I can't stand not being able to do anything. Okay I must go now. I'll be back on saturday to finish writing this.

    Hello, it's Thursday night. I know I was supposed to post this way earlier but you know how things go when we are getting closer to the end of school. I am happy that there is only one week of school left. That week is going to be hell. I am going to try to study hard for my Chemistry class because the final is 200 points, also for physiology because that class is so difficult. It's so difficult to memorize and understand all the things that are happening in your body. Wish me luck guys because I know that finals week is going to be hard. I guess I'll just post this now. Well off to study... maybe haha. Tumblr always helps me procrastinate. I guess I'll just do the physiology quiz to get it out of the way. Goodbye and to all of those who are going through finals good luck!

Branching point

     Hello, everyone. It is so hot over here in California, which is the only thing that I don't like about cali. Well, this weekend my aunts and uncle came over to eat I guess it was a mothers day thing because the cake that we bought was a mothers day cake. So it was good to have them here, I guess because we are isolated most of the time. But my dad always invites people and doesn't want to do anything like clean the house or cook the food. So that got me mad because I had to do some things haha. I am so bored today, this heat over here is making me lazy. Like I want to be productive a bit but ah its so hot. This is what I don't like about summer. The heat. I know I live in Cali. but I don't go to the beach much. Primarily because I don't know how to swim, and I don't own a beach cruiser like the other half of Californians do. I kinda want one now, because they are comfortable and are a smooth ride. Plus it would be a good workout for the summer. Lets see if I can get one. I looked up where they are selling and there is one for $50 at Target so I'll call and check if they still have some. So that is what I am looking forward to now, buying a smooth riding bike to cruise and get out of the house and yea. Ah its so hot. I wish our house had an air conditioner. I just went to check on my laundry just now. It wouldn't dry, I think it was because of the wet blankets that were thick that I put in there. So now I am drying them the old fashioned way  by hanging them on the line to air dry. I posted a status on FB that I want a beach cruiser and my friend has one and wants to sell it to me so yay! She says its a baby blue color which is one that I had in mind so that is good.

    I love the summer in California ONLY, and only if I am outside like at the beach or at the park or somewhere that isn't inside the house. So yes that is what is going on here and it is almost 7 PM. I have a chemistry exam coming up on Wednesday that I haven't studied for so I might have to break a nighter because this damn heat is messing me up! Why did we skip spring and went straight into summer. It's damn global warming. I just went to go talk to my sister about going to the store. I need to buy a poster board, vitamin waters and chips for this week. So that is what I am going to do in a while since its still hot! Oh its cooling down now because the sun is going down so that is good.

   I wrote the top half on Sunday night. Today is Thursday night and well hello everyone. I know I write a lot about the little things in life, but that is because that is the only thing that happens to me. I have a headache right now. I am going to wash my dish and make myself a cup of tea. Alright I have made my tea. A tea with milk and some water. It tastes good by the way. I wonder if anyone actually reads my blog, which would be cool. But then at the same time you would see what a mess I am. Which is okay because everyone has their problems and stuff you know. I use this website as a journal. I think this is what this is supposed to be, like we write things that happen in our life and stuff on here. Since I have no one to talk to I use this as a releasing of stress factor. Plus this website is pretty cool. So this week was okay I guess. I never really pay close attention, or in other words I don't pay attention in Physiology class. But today I decided to sit closer to the front. Which by the way wasn't that close because I sit in the very back. I sat one row forward. That "friend" didn't go to school today so she wasn't bothering me. I've seen her always trying to copy my notes and all, and my quizzes in lab. She thinks I don't notice but I do. What a bitch right. I am tired of playing this nice card. I need to grow up I am 20 years old! I need to change I mean being nice is good but there must be a limit to how many stabs you take.

   There are two weeks of school left. I cannot believe that. Its good because I am getting close to getting out of school and to getting that "friend" out of my life oh and to starting the CNA program. The only bad thing is that those 2 weeks are going to fly by, because of all the things you have to study and all the homework you have to do. I have to write an essay for my history class and do a project for my chemistry class. So I am going to write the essay when I am done writing this then I'll see how to do the poster for chemistry and then I'll read the book for physiology. I guess I'll do a nighter tonight? I am not sure on what to do because tomorrow I was supposed to take the driving test but I guess you need to have an appointment so yea I am just going to wake up early at 8 AM and call to see if I need to have an appointment to take it. I just turned on the fan and now its cool in here. I guess I'll just see how far the poster takes me to do. I'll also have to finish reading at least 1 chapter for physiology. I don't think I have much more to write about. Oh I have the dentist appointment for Saturday. I don't know if they will be giving me the braces then or if I would have to go back and get them. So yea that is what is happening. I am going to go finish watching a movie now called Warm Bodies. Then I'll start doing stuff. Good night everyone. 

Change or The Reconsideration?

     Well it's nearly 1AM. here in California. I can't sleep, which sucks because tomorrow is Monday and I have my long day. Well I now know how much it costs to have good stuff. What I mean by stuff is lotions and face cleansers and that kind of stuff. I wasted $81 on food and essentials at Target. Ugh. On the plus side I have an eye mask and stuff. Oh and I went to have dinner at Denny's yesterday (Sunday). It was great. I love bonding with my siblings. Unfortunately the youngest didn't want to go and my parents were too tired to join us. Heres a picture:

So thats is what I we ate. It was good. This post was supposed to be posted Monday night, it is now Thursday night. It is damn school not letting me do things. Anyways, well now that mother's day is coming up I am thinking about where to take my mom to eat. My sister suggested Olive Garden, A Mexican restaurant whose name I don't know or an Italian restaurant whose name I also don't know. Well whatever it is will be good right? I just wonder when we are going to celebrate it Friday or Sunday. Well then that is that. 

     Well, I was feeling a bit depressed for a while though today. I only feel that way when I have nothing to do. I got out of school early today at 1: 40 PM, and I guess that was okay but I'd rather keep myself busy than you know have bad feelings and what not come to me. I went to the doctors, I had to go twice so they could give me the result of the TB test that they did to me. Ah, I always get freaked out when the nurses pierce my skin with a needle. But I have gotten better at that. I haven't been getting that hypertensive around needles now. Also I lied a bit with the application for the CNA program, it asked if I have had blackouts, bad joints, headaches, back pain and ect. Well I have all of those that I just listed I just wrote that I had headaches. It asks in the bottom to give an explanation to why you've had that or those. So I guess I am just going to write that I am up a little late because of school and because of that I've had to read a lot which sometimes gives me headaches cause I do it too much? Ugh, the papers are due tomorrow which is you know soon. So I have to get up, get dressed and take the Doctor paperwork, my social security, cpr cards and a payment for the program. So that is what is going to happen tomorrow. Oh and I want to go watch The Great Gatsby, which comes out tomorrow. But since I am anti-social... well I am not really anti-social I am just I don't know really. Ah, my sister is going to go watch it with a friend. Shes lucky. I didn't know that she likes those type of movies but I guess her friend picked it. So I don't want to go watch it with her and her friend. Whoever this friend is. Because I think its only going to be them two, and who for me to take to watch the movie. Oh, right no one. So yea you know I am not going to go. 

     Sorry about the hold up, it has taken awhile for me to finish this and post it. Well, its taking me awhile to get inspired too. Okay, so yesterday which was Friday I went to make a $300 payment for the CNA program also left some paperwork with them that was required. So now all that is left is $600 to pay. The class starts in a couple of weeks so I am excited about that because I will be wearing a uniform and I'll be studying the basics of nursing. At the same time I will be having that Psychology class that I signed up for the summer. Good thing its online. Next week I have couple of things to do I have a chemistry exam on Wednesday, I think I am going to take the driving exam on Friday (which I have to wake up early for) and on Saturday I have a dentist appointment for braces that I am getting. I am happy that this semester is almost over because it has been a hell.

    Well then I haven't written about what the title is about but here it goes. Change, it can be good or bad. I have been giving thought about what I am going to do about this "friend" and well I have made well not literally but mentally a list of pros and cons about this person and I have come to the conclusion that this person is going to have to leave my life, it will be good for the both of us. I will be free from her pressure and she will learn that she can't expect to treat everyone like shit and have them stick around. So that is it I choose the path of change and I know that it will be good without her. I just can't believe it took me this long to push her away. Probably because I haven't told her that I don't want to be her friend no more. Well I never was her friend because she was never mine. Well then I expect nothing but good things from the end of this semester on out. I will tell her on the last day of school that I don't want her hanging around me anymore and that she doesn't even deserve an explanation as to why I don't want her as a "friend". So yea, I guess that is all I have to write. I have a test on Wednesday so I am going to start studying for it. I also have an essay and a project due soon. So I must go. Well then I can hardly wait till I get her out of my life, she has been a burden for too long, I don't leave people when they do mistakes but if they are hurting me for a long time then I'll let go. This has been the first time I've had to do this, but its for the best. Okay, wish me luck guys I only have 3 more weeks of school left then I do the CNA program and summer school and then University! Ah I am very excited.

One Month

    Hello, everyone or anyone who even takes a glimpse at my blog. I am very excited that there is only one month of school left! As you know or I know, I still haven't received my drivers licence. Which is quite sad and embarrassing because I am 20 years old and well you know you were supposed to have it earlier. Oh well that's me for you. Anyways, life has been going quite badly in some ways but better in others. But I guess that is the definition of life. I don't think I am going to get an A in my physiology class because well its too late to get it. That class is really hard I mean how the hell are we supposed to memorize all the things that happen in the human body in 4 months. Ah, I think I would have done better in that class if I didn't take it with another science. But the good news is that I have an A in chemistry and in my other 2 classes.

     This upcoming week is going to be okay. I have a doctors appointment for a physical that I need for the CNA school. Also I think I am going to make an appointment for to see the dentist so I  can get my braces. So yea that is what is going on right now. I guess I should also make an appointment for the DMV and to also get exempted. So I shall make calls soon. I am such in a good mood that school is almost over. This semester is hell. I plan to take three summer classes psychology 139 which is about the life cycle, reading 96 and a counseling class. Oh and also that CNA course is going to happen in the summer too. The last day of school is on a Thursday and my first day of school is on Friday. That is going to be so fun... not. But I am just happy that after the CNA course I will get a job and then you know I will have a car by then and my license. So that is just what makes me happy that I would be independent. Also now that there is only one month of school left well that means I will be getting rid of my burden, you know that "friend." Haha. I am also excited for that to happen. Then after summer school is over my mom said that we are going to go to Mexico. But you know I just don't like how my mom doesn't plan things months before. Anyways, after that trip I will be in University and I will take that violin class that I have been wanting to take for a while now. Then when this year is over, the next year I shall have made reservations and have bought a ticket to Italy! Even if my parents don't go I will! Then I shall perhaps be admitted to a nursing program starting in the Fall. Very excited for this month to be over.

    So I have already told you guys about my plans. They are wonderful I am so very excited to be going to University and to Europe again. I am wondering about what classes I am going to take for the Fall. I was thinking microbiology, reading, violin, yoga and a psychology class. Yea that sounds like a good schedule. Well then awesome. I can feel change and happiness coming my way. It has been a while since I have felt this way. Once I generate my own income and have my own car I can do things like go shopping and go hiking which I love to do. Ah, very happy for my future I am. Well then I hope everything that I want goes as expected. As for you all I wish you the best too. I was on tumblr and I found this quote that someone wrote:

    I don't associate myself with people who will do anything to bring me down.  I will surround myself with only positive people.  Life is too short to be constantly upset and worrying all the time.  Focus on what’s important; your happiness. 

What a positive quote right? My happiness is what is important, focus on yourselves because you only have one life so make it a good one. Don't let negative people drag you down be positive, happy and do what you love.

    I guess that is all I have to write. I leave you all feeling optimistic. I hope everything turns out the way I want it to for once please let it turn out my way. Goodnight.