Weird Vibes, Cool Lies

So I am writing after being idle for forever. I don't really know what to write about, maybe my on going depression with school and life, both are killing me. Therefore I swear we are living in the weirdest dimension.

I don't know why I keep finding myself in an even further state of derealization. Derealization is linked to depersionalization, and both of them basically mean  that you feel like you're not real, that nothing around you is real. It's really weird, I feel like it's getting worse, I don't know if I should see a doctor about this or just try to treat it myself; the question is how can you even treat this? I have talked to a friend about this a long time ago, maybe I should do that. I can also try to talk to my cousin who is quite knowledgeable on psychology, things having to do with astral projections, and energy.

I've searched the internet and apparently a lot of people have this derealization/depersionalization feeling. What it feels like is that you're half asleep, always in a haze. It's really bothering me because I always feel so tired and sleepy that it messes up with my focus and knowledge of what is going on around me. I keep telling myself I what emotions and actions I should feel or take when being in situations. I can't keep with this I swear it's messing with my productivity and basically my life.

Depression, I swear it's back. I have gotten admitted into a good university and I should be excited to attend, but I don't care for it, in fact all I want to do is sleep and have a good life. College is cool, learning is cool, but I am not doing so well with this disorder or whatever derealization is. I've felt like this since 4th grade, as an adult its getting so much worse and I have no idea how to treat it.

Change is probably a big answer to most of my problems and questions. I need to get the hell out of where I am. I do think that will be a time consuming task. I hope I can find a way to get exposure to different things.

So that is what I am up to just trying to make my brain work and trying not to fall into depression and things like that.  I just really don't know if I have the energy to turn my life around, but we all have to try.

Yin and Yang

I have been having a lot of trouble realizing and noting the good things that have been happening in my life. I think I have been numbed to the realization of the good around me. I had something happen to me that should have yielded a reaction, but instead I was unaware of what the gesture meant. I just carried on like nothing had happen. It's weird that the universe makes things happen when you least expect it or when you least want something to happen. With that I close the spring semester at school.

Lotus Eater: n. a member of a people represented by Homer as in a state of dreamy forgetfulness and idleness as a result of eating the fruit of the lotus plant.  

Who isn't a dreamer? We are all guilty of playing scenarios in our minds as an escape from the life that we live in. With imagination we gain a little bit of euphoria, but when you stop; open your eyes, get out of bed or go to work, you see that your dreams and your desires only exist in the neurons of your brain. Of course we then fall into sadness because when we compare our life verses the one in our head they don't match up.

It's summertime right now and I have some time to finally think, read and relax. I have been mostly stuck in my mind, replaying parts of my life, changing actions that I have taken and making up different outcomes for different actions taken. I suppose that is how I keep myself sane, also with movies I like movies about philosophy, life, and weird positions that a character is in that are not of norm.

Sometimes I feel like I am wasting my life. I don't really do much except go to work and school, both take up a lot of time and are vital. I am trying to find a balance to living life. At this point of my life the only thing that I should be doing is focusing on school and work. Those things are good but what about travel, adventure and entities that are yet to be discovered by oneself. That is the part I have been having trouble with, and I am sure most people have trouble growing too.

"You should do what you said you were going to do that one time before you got all tired and then got super busy and pretty much forgot... you really should." 

I ran into this quote. I had seen it before a couple of years ago; and it reminded me of how I wanted to study in Glasgow, Scotland. I thought of how badly I wanted to move out of California and into Europe. Moving away and being somewhere completely different was always something that I wanted to do. At present time I have lost the desire to move, in fact traveling to different places isn't something that I think about doing anymore. Everything feels bland to me. I have lost my dreams and desires; aren't these a couple of things that make us human?

What happens if you don't feel like doing the things you once wanted to do? It's like the dreams you've had died and the wanting to do all these things doesn't exist in me anymore. Should I try to do these things? Might that ignite a light of emotion within me, if I pursue my dead goals?

Good and bad things happen in life, it is noted that if these things happen it means you're alive. It's kinda hard to note the good things that are happening, but we can always go to the basics for that. Food, shelter, health, having a job and being able to go to school are a couple of things that I can count as blessings. The bad well I suppose I could change it, or at least I think I could.

I did something that I feel bad about and that is regarding some friends. It is definitely a long story and a story that I didn't know was happening that involved me. Things were said, words are translated differently, it happens, it is one of the oldest things that we know. I really till this day don't even know what exactly happened. But I do feel bad for casting out a friend. I just don't know why she didn't let me understand why or if the things said were true, although she did admit to some things. It leaves still many open questions that may never be answered. I like to think that I try to understand things and this is something that I've wanted to talk to these people about. I wanted to figure out what was happening and if the things I were told were true. Anyway the thing is that I have known these people for a long time so I was ready to forgive and forget as they say. People are not perfect so that is what I had in mind while hearing these things as well as a lot of rage, and man I haven't felt rage like that in ages.

I am an adult I thought, I am open minded and I do not make up my mind quickly without hearing details and trying to understand what had happened. Long story short, things were said about people and they were not good things. As always you can't believe everything you hear about people so I asked and some of the things said were confirmed and others weren't acknowledged or answered. Anyway I really wanted to clear things up, put a patch on it and move on as if nothing happened.

I was really mad, shocked, surprised and kinda sad because the things that were said were mostly about me and they weren't good. If the things said were valid, then I didn't know I was that much of bitch to be around with. It didn't matter to me if it was one or two or how every many were acknowledged as being said. I was mad because I have known these girls for the longest time and I wouldn't say things like that to other people about them. That's what disappointed me, is that I wouldn't do that to them, and yet it ended up happening to me. And they aren't perfect, no one is, so I could have said somethings about them as well.

I've know these people for a long time so a little thing like this shouldn't have blown up to what it did. So I tried to get us all together so we can talk, chill over some coffee and figure out what had happen. One of them didn't wanna show, at one point she said she could and then she said she wouldn't because of the other girl. Anyway it was so stupid. I was just completely over how childish the behaviors shown were. They had their own drama from parts of what I have heard. Two of us were cool with meeting and talking, we were both putting aside our egos and wanting to find peace, because, or at least on my behalf we know that stuff like this happens, no one is perfect and we have known each other long enough to let a little thing like this set us all apart, on my end at least.

There are infinite possibilities that could have caused this to happen. Yes, I have even considered the possibility of myself as being a spawn of evil and/or life ruiner among other things,that may have been why this happened. Or we can blame it on the fabric of the universe and say the universe had this planned all along, and that things happen for a reason. There are many ways or things we can say to try to justify what happened. Anyway, it happened, it might be able to change but that is if someone has guts to try to make us all try to unscramble the mess that happened.

Point in life as a growing adult; I have read so many things about, oh you'll regret this or that if you didn't have the courage to change or pursue it. There are a lot of quotes, books, knowledge and advice that people give on that sort of topic. As a person who has lived for a while and has had experiences, that I have wished I could have had the guts to pursue what I wanted or said something that I wanted to say; I am saying that life does move fast and it is really short. So it doesn't matter what it is that you want to do, you should do it, even if it doesn't go the way you wanted it to go, at least you won't have to spend your life wondering about the different outcomes of situations; the " what ifs..."

Yin and Yang, cannot exist without the other half, good and bad, negative and positive exist together. Positive and negative exists within us. I remember someone told me that that is why bad things happen, because the good cannot exist without the bad, and the bad cannot exist without good.

Alone in The Universe

I haven't really written on here for a long time, reasons unknown, but mostly because of fatigue I could say.

I suppose I can write about my strengthened interest in astral projection, physics, dimensions, the study of the universe, space travel and what not. I have been reading books on holograms and physics. I think the subject had a breakthrough on how I see myself and everything around me. Reading this stuff was mind shattering, because it is very hard to wrap your mind around these theories, some that propose that we are not living at free will, or that we might be the only intellectual species that exists in the universe... heavy stuff. Reading about these things has had a very big impact on me, and with that a new found, reshaped philosophy of life was born.

Quite shaken, but grateful, maybe shocked, yet calm, would be the state that I have been in for the past couple of months. I really should do something with my life; I mean based off of what I have been reading, researching, or even by looking around with basic knowledge; being alive and here on this planet is a very rare occurrence.

I have been having trouble with school. I don't know why I don't feel like studying, I just want to lay and do nothing. I have been so tired, I tried taking vitamins and drinking green juices but my fatigue yet remains the same. I have had to resort to energy drinks like monster, which only gives me like 3-4 hours of energy. Anyway, school has been really hard this semester, we are touching functions of mathematics in chemistry. I really don't know why I have been so tired and uninspired with school. I usually was really good with this type of stuff. School does get more difficult the more further you go in. Sometimes I think I don't belong in a STEM major but everything else seems boring to me. I tried sociology, psychology these subjects are okay. I like nursing its fun to help and meet people. Microbiology, my major is fascinating to me, I really like learning about microorganisms, how they get people sick and how the medications stop the microbe from continuing to replicate. It's awesome.

I once read a quote that said: Everything you are going through is preparing you for what you asked for. Yes I suppose that is true. My class so difficult I am forcing myself to do any work, this is the most challenging class I have ever had. I was thinking that maybe, also one of the reasons that I am so laid back is because I see life as something that I shouldn't waste feeling stressed, or in any pain. So I think that might be one of the causes of my lack of inspiration to do any work, which isn't good.

I just stayed up all night and watched a movie, did nothing of my responsibilities that were school related. But I did get this really good quote from the movie, it was pretty good.

We're afraid that we will never escape our past; we are afraid of what the future will bring, we're afraid we won't be loved, we won't be liked, and that we won't succeed."

- Lady Bird 

Everyone can probably relate to this quote. I am afraid of my past, I am not a good person to say. The future scares me because I haven't been able to reach any of my dreams. I am still stuck in the same place that I have been for a long time. I have tried to move forward and out, and accomplish some of my dreams,but they never seem to happen. "We are afraid we won't be loved" this can be tied into that psychology thing, I think its Maslow's needs diagram, we need love, its one of the basic and fundamental things a human needs. We won't be liked, this can be tied into the work place or any new environment that we find ourselves in. "And that we won't succeed." This last part just ties the whole quote. It is terrifying to look back in your life and think wow I didn't do anything that I really wanted to do, I didn't go to school, or travel, whatever it is that you wanted to do in your life; that really scares me. I feel like I am becoming ordinary.

Anyhow, life has been shit, as it always has been. For some reason I now frequently keep finding myself craving a bottle of scotch and a cigarette. I now see why a lot of people become smokers and/ or drinkers, or just basically addicted or have a craving towards something, that gives you a temporary state of euphoria. This is because life looks black and white, and people crave emotions, adrenaline, happiness. If we haven't been feeling, loved, happy or anything, is why people then find other ways of obtaining temporary states of emotions. Drugs and alcohol do make you feel something different.

I am scared because I feel like I am being sucked into the norm of living. I am doing ordinary things, these things are essential to life- that being work. Without work we wouldn't have a way of supporting ourselves.

It just as time goes by I know that there is no point to living. I really don't even feel like doing any travels, doing well in school, or doing anything at all. I find no joy or any emotions within me right now. I don't really know what to do about this.

The Secluded Blogger

It's been hard trying to keep myself alive lately. I feel the older I get the more my soul dies; what once were my dreams and desires have lost their ability to ignite any emotion within me. I am beginning to feel as though there is nothing in the world to live for. It has been hard to deal with these negative feelings, so I try to keep myself distracted with an overload of work, and school hours. These things wear me out sometimes, but once I settle myself, and grow used to the amount of work given, and I start thinking once again about life and its purpose.

I felt really hollow today, as though someone had ripped my heart out. That feeling of emptiness and pain drove me to want to die. I prepared myself though, got dressed and went to work. I keep trying to give my life a purpose, I want to feel love and happiness, I want to feel like I am living. Therefore I am going to try to set up a plan to try to bring life within me.

I started school about three weeks ago, I am still trying to get used to everything since I haven't been in actual college for a while. I think I gave up on school when I applied to the University of Glasgow, I got accepted there and was going to go, but there were some financial and school problems that happened. It really messed me up that I wasn't able to attend school in another country. It messed me up so badly that, I actually forgot that I could continue my education here. I guess I saw Scotland as a dream, a place where I could be happy, and explore in.

So I finally decided on my major- Microbiology. I really like Science although it is very stressful and hard to understand, it is the only subject that doesn't put me to sleep, that is except for when I have to study or do homework for it, I get really exhausted because it is a lot of work, the subject is really interesting though. I don't really know why I get so anxious and overwhelmed when I do heavy school work or try to move forward with my life. Is it because I am afraid of the unknown? Well I suppose so I do tend to overthink things.

I haven't been feeling well lately. I haven't been attending class, I missed a whole week of math to find out that we had an exam that same week, so I know I failed it because I didn't study. I tried to study but I was just so exhausted to the point where my brain didn't function. I had three quizzes, the math exam and 150 chemistry problems that were all within that week. I know I did fail the exam but there isn't anything I could do about it now except to redeem myself for the next three.

I recently joined this STEM program at Cypress College, it's a really great program that keeps you informed about different information meetings, research and internship opportunities at four year Universities. We just had one today for CSULB which by the sounds of it, has gotten even more harder to be admitted into over the years. Well I was told that we should apply to any internship and research opportunity that is in our scope of major. So I suppose I will apply to the one we were introduced to today at Long Beach State, which by the way only admits like 10-15% students from colleges, you need two letters of recommendation, and you need to write a personal statement for consideration. Well I will try and I will apply because if I do get accepted the program is beyond perfection for science majors.

I am really happy about joining the STEM program, I have learned a lot and I have been in the program for about a month now. They are having more meetings and mandatory workshops that you need to attend, but its worth it.

Since I know I haven't been doing well in school I know I need to really buckle down and study. I used to be really good at school but I think its because I haven't attended for like a year is why I forgot how painful and how much work it actually is to get good grades. Its not possible to work full time and go to school full time so part time will have to do. Some student from CSULB said that the school actually makes you sign a form saying that you are not supposed to work while in school. Yes, that's how hard it is to be a STEM major. He also said that you might be a starving student, lets hope not but we will see.

So I have been having like second thoughts about my major, ranging from quitting school to changing my major completely. I thought about doing Neuroscience over Microbiology so there is that. I am not really sure what to do, but I need to figure this out right away.

I have been having trouble finding any motivation to do anything. I know education leads to having a better job, which leads to having a steady flow of income to not be stressed about bills and so on. I am really trying to be motivated to study and be a good person. As always life is full of transitions and I just underwent a couple of major ones over the past couple of months, schooling being one of them, and just life stuff that gets harder everyday. One of my friends has been telling me that she is loosing interest in stuff which is a sign of depression. I hope she doesn't have to undergo that hell, so I am trying to help her get rid of it. I am also feeling another type of depression as well, one that I think is because of these weird transitions that I am going through. I feel really different,  I am in pain and I feel like my depresonalization and derealization are sky rocketing. When I sleep and I wake up I have no sensation of the things around me, its gotten worse because now I can barely feel peoples energy. I am really scared that this might get worse. I don't know what to do to cure myself from it. I don't feel like I am alive, I can barely feel sensations on my skin and of course visual sensations feel like a dream; I feel like I am watching TV.

I don't really feel like continuing with my life. Based off how I am doing now with my derealization I know that external stimulus might be completely gone the older I get. I don't know why this is happening to me. I have been trying to tell myself that I am in a rough patch and that on the other side I will find peace and happiness but this is just getting to be too much. I keep trying to think of my dreams and hopes for the future, but as a realist I know most of them won't happen.

What do I want from life? I just want to live. I want to immerse myself in greatness, adventure, happiness, emotion and just things that make people feel alive. I hope I feel better. I am scared that my soul is dying. I keep trying to find things that light a fire within me, things that once made me feel happy still have some effect on me but they aren't as potent as they were before.

My birthday is coming up, I feel quite odd about it. I hope it turns out to be an okay day. I have some plans, although I work on that day and go to school I will be celebrating my birthday on the following day- Friday. I kind of want to go to the beach and get drunk but I know I want to watch the Van Gogh movie called Loving Vincent, I want to go out and have dinner and then have a cup of coffee or something. Anyhow I hope I gain some positive energies by being around my friends.

I am afraid of the future. I am afraid because I cannot control what it will be like. I just really want to be happy. I don't want to get old and know that I didn't live the life I wanted, that I never experienced heart stopping memories. Memories are what you hold on to and its important to make the very best of them. So forth I will try to make my life a story worth telling. And god help me because I am not feeling so well. I feel like a hole is being burnt into me. Anyways I hope to have a good birthday.

Erased

I once read that in order to live life to the fullest it is essential to immerse yourself in as many things as possible. I now see where the person got their philosophy, I used to think that it was to make yourself a better person, I still think that. I now I have time to do things, but I also sometimes find myself in a bore. I am trying to move forward with my life as everyone else is, but I seem to lack the fundamental fuel for perseverance. Why am I studying this? Why am I doing this? A couple of questions that have been on my mind for a while. As always in order to achieve something one must set out a plan. I think that by the Fall I should be done with the Medical Assistant program that I just started about 3 months ago. The reason I am attending is because I want a better job, I want to know more about the medical field and I want to move up in the workforce.

I am starting to see a little more complexity in life. When I was younger I was really disciplined and rooted, I only thought about school and moving up that ladder. Now I am not really rooted into this study program, but I am thinking about life in a more calming way, which is that; it's good to go to school and get a good job but to take it easy, travel, rest and to take care of yourself. Back then I would only do school work, thinking that I would receive some type of reward for my panic attacks and hard work, of course I got good grades, but my social and love life were non existent. In fact I had refused to have a social or a love life thinking that it would get in the way of my focus of my studies. Now I see that chances sometimes happen once in your life and that I should take advantage of such things.

My depersonalization has been weird lately it has bitten into the emotion section. I can't really sense other emotion other than a constant blur of unidentified pains. It is getting really bad, I think about things that I wanted to do with my life and they don't hold meaning or value to them anymore. I have been having a lot of headaches lately, I need to see my doctor and get a blood test. I sleep and I wake up just as tired as I was before, maybe it is my anemia? I haven't been taking my iron pills but last time my levels were okay. What freaks me out is the worst thing that it can possibly be is a brain tumor. I spend too much time looking at my phone or at the computer and that can give you eye or brain cancer. Well I am going to see my doc I will schedule an appointment and see if a head scan is essential.

I have been thinking a lot of this transition that has happen to me recently. One of the people that works where I used to work just told me recently that people are questioning her about what happened to me. A very extreme thing happened, one that I never thought would happen, but people at the other job that I had, told the managers that I had been making them do tasks that weren't in my spectrum of power. Well that's what they told me, they said that I had been making people do my job, and that I have been telling the employees to do work that they weren't supposed to be doing. I couldn't even understand who would say that about me, they said that I have been doing it for years, if that is true why would they just tell me now? I think someone just had something against me, but whatever, I needed to get out of there, but I didn't think that I would walk out like that. What pisses me off more is that they are bothering people trying to get information out of them about me. These people are 45 years old and up, they need to grow up. If I were in their position I wouldn't be bothering people or talking about what happened even months after the occurrence. That's how most people are though, and it is one of the many reasons why I don't really like to associate with anyone. I can't trust anyone because I know that there are many points to a person and that's why I never fully trust anyone, even if I have known them for over a decade.

I was looking at how my life is now, I am actually grateful for not working where I used to work anymore. I was stuck in a labyrinth, I couldn't move forward, the vibes and people around me were sickening, with their hypocritical smiles and selfish gazes. I can compare it to walking into a pit of snakes, with their slithering movements and evil auras. I had to leave, I had to go, the whole place was killing my soul. I couldn't take it anymore, every time that I'd have to go to work I would have to kill myself, you can feel the negativity in their being, they know nothing about peace and harmony, their only desire is to make others feel as tormented and fucked up as they are. I write as they are spawns of demonic beings, because I have been told they still try to keep my demise from the labyrinth alive, with constant murmurings of my odd departure.

I am in a stage of repairment, one that is only categorized by the unknown, struggles, and new environments. I keep telling myself that I feel better for not being around such people but I still feel their serpent venom in the air even though I am away from them. I hope to God that he repairs me, I do feel a little better for not being constantly stung by the demons. I am in recovery, soon this will pass, I shall rise to my optimum, and leave all the shreds of pain and suffering behind me. People have done me so much wrong I don't even know why I still talk with them, probably because I know that not everyone is the same, the human is very complex and extremely unstable, which is kind of the opposite of me. I pray that I forget about those people and I pray for the strength to leave when people don't want me to, I pray for the courage to move on when I know I am being taken advantage of, and I pray to never walk down the same path again.

There are so many complexities that I am being faced with right now. I have good and bad, good being I am out of that job and into a new one, I am studying to be a Medical Assistant and might be done with it by this Fall; bad things are that am still rough on what just happened to me, it is still lingering within but it shall be gone. I don't really know what to do for this thing is still stuck to me. Everyone as a past, present, and a future, they say to leave whats in the past in the past so I'll do that.

There are many things that I wish that I could have done differently in my life. I have this bad tendency to put everyone else's needs above mine. I have had many opportunities to have shaped my life differently than how it is now. I've had chances that I deemed unsettling to those around me, and so I choose the other path instead of the risk. I know that I shouldn't dwell in these "what ifs" but sometimes I just slip into the world of: what if I took the risk?  How would have my life be now? What would I be doing now if I had gone down the other path? Many details run through my head, about the life of the courageous me.

I often think of him, a person who would have been a very big change in my life. He seemed like a nice guy when he acknowledged me and made a remark about my shoes. I saw him and I saw what he wanted, no guy comments on a girls shoes without wanting to start a conversation that might lead to something of a love pool. I didn't know what to say, and when I was about to say something my voice didn't expel my reply to his comment. So I smiled and left. My god, what did I do? I think about it all the time, what he must have thought about me, what thoughts could have gone through his head? I have tried many times to put myself in his place and see what thoughts I would have received. Maybe he thought I was kinda rude for not replying to him which saddens me, but isn't surprising because what other thought would have gone through your head? I often think of what would have happened if we would have had a conversation. What if he was an amazing guy? What if we ended up together? Well that is the past now and I can only learn from it. I quite feel like Jim Carreys character in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind when he says " Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?" Quite a good movie about love complexities.

I have had a recent twist in my life that is of most positivity. I have reached out to some people and they have accepted my upfront invitation for a hang out. It is quite amazing what could happen when you are just plain real and positive. I feel way better, I suppose these people have cleared my aura that was beaten by previous negative vibrations. I have been reading more and looking at more information about world and natural phenomenon. I have been feeling a lot better and I hope that I continue my escalation towards becoming a person filled with lots of knowledge, love for life, love for justice and equality, and just basically a person with lots of positivity. I am very happy that I am going to hang out with these friends, lots of who I haven't seen in years.

I am tired from work and school work, perhaps when I sleep in an hour I will wake up well rested. I don't know what is going to happen in the future, what is there in the future for me? I know we have some power over what will happen, I am wondering on the social aspect of it because I had a fallout with the only two people that I used to talk to. One was due to not being on the same thought passage on an occurrence. The other was because after I stopped working at the place before, we just didn't talk anymore and I didn't really take notice of it, since I work overnight and am asleep during the day, but then it caught up to me, and I really didn't know how to spark a conversation with her after it being a long time with no word. Just today one of them said that they missed me and then of course if they will be so blunt with their emotions I too cannot be cold, so I told her that we should meet and talk. I don't know what will happen or if we would ever meet.

I am in a state of wondering how much information I don't know about the world. I have run across many articles about history, and of course the conspiracy theories that are out there. I am just realizing that there are so many things that I haven't read about or looked into.

I suppose what is left for me to say is to take risks and to see the value of the moment you are in. There are many things that go unseen or unnoticed and when the time is gone you might wish for it back.  

A Valid Point

I am going through a new transition, one that was bestowed upon me unexpectedly and very vigorously. I won't really complain about it for it was about 75% good and 25% bad. So I have a new job now because of something stupid that happened in the workplace at my other job. I am not really sadden about it because I felt like that place was sucking the life out of me and probably about 90% of the people there were shit so I am feeling okay by not working there anymore. This new job is alright I am working graveyards and the people here are mostly friendly. The other half of this transition is that I am studying to become a Medical Assistant. I swear I didn't know that I would pursue this vocation until the last second, something pushed me to the study. I know that I want to do something involving science and medicine so I think this will give me an intro to those studies. I have also changed my major back to Biochemistry, I felt like I was forcing myself to study to become a Nutritionist. Biochemistry is a really hard major, I hope I can do well in it, I do enjoy learning the heavy sciences.

I have been feeling a little off lately, I feel very depersonalized as always and I have been starting to get anxiety and depression spells. The feelings usually happen because I feel like I am missing something in my life. I try not to think about anything that might trigger the bad emotions but it catches me when I am asleep and sometimes I wake up with shortness of breath and the bad emotions within. I had one yesterday, I was awaken and I thought and felt that I will always feel like I do now; alone, without a feeling of being alive, without a feeling of happiness and without a feeling of hope. I thought about people and their ability to make you feel something, right now I have no one, I have no friends or anything, I feel calm but something happened at school that triggered the thoughts of loneliness. There was this man, this guy well he was cute and you know, well I couldn't look at him in the face even though he kept looking at mine. I felt like he wanted something, but what?  So I didn't look at him. About 3 weeks later I saw him again but he didn't notice me because he was on his phone and then a couple of hours later I see him again and I suppose he didn't recognize me because of what I was wearing, I think people look kinda different in scrubs. Well that happened and I began to have those thoughts about people, about how people can make you feel things, about how a friend can make you feel warm and not alone, about how a boyfriend can make you feel loved and can boost your self esteem. I then realized that I was kind of alone, with the opposition of my family. I had never had a boyfriend and I have never really had a friend, I guess those were kind of chances that I could have taken. People are risks and I suppressed them so I wouldn't get hurt. At times I wish that I could go back in time and accept people, but I feel like I didn't know how to communicate with them especially with those who were a love interest. I do regret it and I have learned but I haven't acted upon what I have learned, I am still tentative on people. If I continue like this it might kill me.

My search for happiness still continues, I think becoming an MA will help my self-esteem and might help me look at things differently. I still do plan on attending the University of Glasgow even if for the summer term. I need a breath of fresh air, a new canvas but I feel like I have nothing new to paint with, all the previous things are still with me, what I feel is that I need a new person. This is where validation comes in, the boyfriend or friend validates the other person they give them this sense of purpose and they validate them as a human. I do not have at this time, I do hope I become validated soon. The thing with a love interest though is that I am so fucking depersonalized that I can barley feel reality, this is really killing me. I don't  know if I might end up like Van Gogh, one of the loneliest people, he was really depressed and tried to look for a people or at least a person to pour out his ideas and thoughts to. I don't know if the guy was depersonalized or not maybe his drinking problem made him feel depersonalized to numb some of the pain from his depression. The guy spent a lot of his life trying to be loved and to give something back to the world as to leave a positive dent in his time frame that with hopes might ignite something of love and tenderness to the future generations. It pains me to hear about his life like that, I hope that he found some relief to his pains well I suppose his art helped. Maybe I am actually the opposite of Van Gogh, he tried to find people who were like minded and I kinda close myself off to people. He gave so much of his belongings to people who were even less unfortunate than he was, and I? I don't know.

The Urge

The will to live has walked out of my life again. The arts, travel, adventure, love, hope and passion have left me. I am in battle again, I have lost the stimuli to search out why I should continue to live. In fact I am exhausted; tired of living. There was a point in my life when I decided to die, but I held myself back due to curiosity, I wanted to know what would have happened to me in the future. So I continued to live and found out a few good things. But it’s back. I reached out to pursue my dreams of travel and immersion of arts and culture. I got so close to moving out of this country, and into Europe, I was happy, excited and in quite disbelief that I was actually going back to the continent known for it’s history, arts and most beautiful architecture. I thought, finally I have been a good person, I am a good student, I have made my parents proud, finally I get to do something that I really want to do… travel.

It was due to some system error from the university that I had to delay my departure to Europe. I delayed my entry once, and now a second time. The delaying caused me much pain, and now it seems I might not even attend university in Europe. The deferment of adventure killed me, I have been waiting my entire life to do something that I actually liked. I’ve suppressed many emotions, and I have suppressed my passions because they were frowned upon. Well here I am, I am trying hard to bring myself to life again.

We are entering the end of another year and all I have to say, is that all I have done is nothing but work and some schooling. This is what I was afraid of becoming - barren, with little sign of life within and with little desire to have an adventure. I am actually planning on going to Scotland by myself for about a month or two. I casually ran this through my mom and she said jokingly to take her in one of my suitcases, so that is my plan. I have some research to do because I want to see the northern lights and there are a lot of places that are amazing in Scotland. I don't think I would need a visa to stay for a month in Scotland but I will have to double check on that. I also wanted to go to Amsterdam, they have a Van Gogh museum there that looks amazing. I don't know if I'd be heading down to the Netherlands though because of expenses and time. I think this trip might be reserved for Scotland and maybe Ireland or England. I am somewhat excited to take this trip I think it might do me well.

Meanwhile I am stuck in California which isn't bad it's just that I haven't taken a trip or gone to the beach in a long time. So my sister and I are currently planning a vacation to Las Vegas and Area 51 or Big Bear. So we will see I actually don't mind where we go as long as I get out of this routine. As with all things lots of planning has to happen for the solo trip to Scotland and the trip to Nevada or snowy Big Bear, California. Bad thing is that I would have to be the one to drive up the mountain to Big Bear and its snows there so we would have to use chains for the tires. I actually don't know if I would be able to drive up there I remember we went about 8 years ago and the snow was already melting and even then we needed chains. So yea, everyone wants to go to a National Park in January but it's snowing by then, even Yosemite was freezing in the summer nights through the mornings. I think I would feel more comfortable driving to Vegas.

About the my life currently; well I have or am undergoing a major transition right now. I have decided to let go of the people who are negative in my life. So I did and now I don't feel so stressed, I feel more peaceful. The thing is that sometimes I keep getting short attacks and spurs of anxiety and panic. Just yesterday I wished death upon myself and I felt like I did back when I was really mentally messed up. As for right now, I don't feel any reason why to continue to live because I feel nothing. I think about things that I used to really enjoy like music, Europe, travel and shopping but it doesn't bring any emotion or feeling to myself. I think I am dying, I am scared of this because I think it might be hard to turn back. Right now I don't have much purpose to my life, I am going to school and I work a lot but that is it. I just drain all of my energy on those two things, I feel like I am not moving forward. I try to tell myself that I do have a purpose and that school and work are stepping stones to moving forward in life. Well I think about it, I think well lets see if I go to school all that is going to do is give me a job that is going to have me stuck in an office or hospital for the majority of my life. I am working and I am gaining more experience in the health field, I am becoming more familiar with symptoms and medications. But that is it, I mean isn't there supposed to be more to this life? I am becoming what I didn't want to become. I've been thinking about it too, life with a job like that and I mean nursing is cool, distracting and interesting but what about my soul? I feel like all of the things that I liked to do are dead. I don't want to continue to live if I am going to become a machine.

So what are these things that cause emotion. People? Travel? I have tried them you know and I am bored to death because they are all the same. People are the same and traveling is just seeing a place that is unique to the eye. I think I know everyone because exposure to different people have no stimulation in me, and travel I think I have seen pictures of the world through media all the time, what difference would it make if I were to see it in person.

I am the same as I have always been, or at least under the eyes of others they always see me as a hard working student and employee. I sometimes get scared because I feel like I am reaching a deeper state of depersonalization. Someone could stab me right now and I wouldn't feel any different.

So this is me trying to live. I am fighting, I know that no one can save me but myself, but what if I don't want to be saved...

I just feel like I should vanish if I don't do anything to change this damn world. There are so many bad things happening to people and yes one person can make a difference. I just don't know what I would do. I feel like, if I am thinking this way and others aren't then maybe it's my duty to do something about it. Maybe I can do something.